Filipinisms 102

You’re on a visit to the pink-painted, billboard-crowded, smoke-belching world of Metro Manila. You’ve haggled in the bazaars, gotten drunk in the bars, been ripped off by taxi drivers and stopped for bribes by traffic cops – in short, you’ve passed the first hurdles of citizenship. What holds you back from true belonging is the language, which to your ears has roughly the same quality as Martianese.

Whether you come from the other side of the world, the Dark Ages or under a rock, this list is bound to help you on your way to assimilation into the culture of the new generation. Learn this by heart or keep it on hand. Remember: this can change your life.

Astig (as-teeg). Derived from tigas, astig refers to testosterone-laden individuals (whether male or female) who have the ability to inspire worship, invite fear, and leap tall buildings at a single bound.

Beycon-type (bey-con-type). This refers to long-suffering male underwear whose services have been employed from puberty to infinity (and beyond).

Bobita (boh-bee-ta). This refers to a member of the female species whose brain often "cannot be reached."

Bolero (boh-le-roh). Usually a member of the male species, an individual who has developed the extraordinary skill of pronouncing outrageous lies and receiving gratitude in return.

Imperness (eem-pear-nez). Derived from "In fairness," it is an expression denoting awe, delight or pleasant shock. It has several variations, from "himpairness," "empernes," to the more recent "in Fairview" used by the members of the third sex all the way from Aparri to Jolo.

Lollipop (lo-lee-pop). This is considered the opposite of hipon, (see Filipinisms 101) which pertains to a female whose body is to die for and whose face looks like it belongs to the dead. Lollipop refers to a member of the female species with a face that can stop traffic and a body that got flattened by a truck.

Kapospalad (ka-poss-pah-lad). This refers to the incredibly lucky (or unlucky) male whose significant other is blessed with breasts of a size beyond the grasp of mere human hands.

Kotong (koh-tong). This refers to the financial assistance provided by drivers to the traffic cops of Metro Manila, in gratitude towards their total commitment to keeping order in city streets.

Sakal-bibe (sa-kal-bee-beh). Literally "to strangle the duck," this process is similar to the Japanese’s tradition of harakiri (or suicide for a higher cause). It refers to the masculine process of withdrawing the breath of life from thousands of eager little soldiers moments before they fulfill their purpose for being.

Sawimpalad (sa-whim-pah-lad). This refers to the wretched male whose significant other is impoverished when it comes to frontal elevations.

Sayang (sah-yang). This translates to wistful regret for that-which-can-never-be.

Sayd-B (sahyd-bee). This refers to underwear worn on the reverse side after previous use (generally occurs in moments of desperation when said underwear is the last remaining frontier between nature and zipper). If and when said underwear is reversed again, it will take on the name of Sayd-C and so on.

Supot (soo-pot). This refers to males whose futures are still veiled from sight.

Tomare (toh-ma-reh). Derived from kumpare (pal) and toma (to drink), this is an endearment for that special someone whose company one can absolut-ly depend on whenever good ol’ Martin, Miguel or Margarita make an appearance.

Trapo (tra-poh) — Literally "dishrag," this refers to some of the most most-wanted criminals in Philippine society today, whose insatiable capacity for larceny, treachery and bribery can surpass that of many languishing in Muntinlupa jails. Also known as traditional politicians.

Examples

Conversation, ladies’ room

Jenny: I swear, that Richard’s so astig. And he said I talked so profoundish! Bolero no?

Lisa: No argument there.

Jenny: You know, I’d go for him myself – except his jeans were so low I could see his beycon-type underwear. And sayd-b pa! Sayang!

Conversation, men’s room

Richard: Dude. I need a favor. I asked that Lisa-chick out on Friday, but she said she’d go only if her best friend Jenny goes too. In the name of eight years of being tomares, would you play escort to Jenny? She’s quite blessed, if you know what I mean. And she’s the daughter of that multimillionaire trapo.

Jason: Jenny? Come on, man, she’s the girl who thinks impeachment is a new way of peeling fruit.

Richard: I know, I know. Bobita nga. But you owe me. Would you deprive me of my one chance with the girl of my dreams? Lisa, oh Lisa – that girl has the face of an angel.

Jason: Fine, fine. And you’re welcome to Lisa. Sawimpalad whoever takes that babe for a ride.

Richard: You’re kidding

Jason: I wish man, I wish. The poor girl’s a lollipop. But hey, she’s still gorgeous.

Moment of silence.

Richard: You know dude, I feel awful about dumping Jenny on you. For once, let me be unselfish. You can take Lisa, and I’ll suffer with Jenny. What are friends for, eh?

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