Little Baritan
August 12, 2005 | 12:00am
Baritan, Baritan, Baritan
A community in Malabon that defeated the Huns with spears dipped in fish sauce, and whose people discovered goto in 1702. Wait
A little background is in order.
There is a show on Star World every Sunday at 10 p.m. called Little Britain featuring David Walliams and Matt Lucas. It begins with a surreal voiceover by Tom Baker (one example is: "Britain, Britain, Britain Land of technological achievement. Weve had running water for over 10 years, an underground tunnel that links us to Peru, and we invented the cat.") This Brit-com which I believe is in the same stratosphere as Monty Python, Mr. Bean and Black Books is inhabited by a posse of grotesque yet loveable characters (played by Walliams and Lucas; in drag, usually) armed with unforgettable catchphrases.
Vicky Pollard is a shoplifting "chav" from Darkly Noone who trades her newborn baby for a Westlife CD. Wearing a jumpsuit and with her blonde hair tied with a scrunchie, Vicky mouths indecipherable sentences starting with "Yeah but no, but what happened was "
Harvey Pincher is an upper-class twit who oddly still sucks milk from his mothers nipple. The adult breastfeeding sessions usually begin with Harveys requests for "Bitty!" One episode shows Harvey jonesing for breast milk in the middle of his wedding.
Daffyd Thomas is "the only gay in the village." Has a severe persecution complex about his homosexuality, although no one gives a rats ass anyway about it in a Welsh town called Llandewi Breffi. Wears tight, red leather outfits. In one episode, he wears a snazzy navy uniform and orders his favorite drink Bacardi and Coke. ("Hello, sailors!) He auditions for the role of Hamlet by dancing to Its Raining Men, Hallelujah.
Emily Howard is the transvestite who walks the streets in a Victorian dress while spouting the words, "Im a laaaydeee " She presses flowers and strokes kittens and swims in rivers, "wearing dresses and hats."
Marjorie Dawes is the nasty facilitator of a weight-loss group called Fat Fighters. She tells her "fatties" these immortal words: "Dust is actually very low in fat, so you can eat as much dust as you like."
There is novelist Dame Sally Markham who is usually seen dictating her memoirs to her secretary. She tells her assistant to pad her book-in-progress with the whole of the Bible. Sally even dictates lines from Wham!s Wake Me Up Before You Go Go. Immortal words: "Chapter one The end!"
One of my favorites is Ray McCooney, who runs a hotel in Scotland called Ye Olde Hotel and who waxes theatrical with his flute and midget sidekicks. He tries having his window repaired by a TV repairman because "by day its bright, but by night its as black as a black mans cape!"; pays tax collectors with "magic beans"; and gives directions to the hotel to someone on the phone: "If you get to the Hanging Tree, turn right Uh Yes Its right across Ikea."
And then there is Lou and Andy (originally Lou Reed and Andy Warhol in Rock Profiles, also by the same Little Britain duo) "Yeah, I know ."
Little Britain reminds me of the laughable and loveable goofs that I met years ago when I was still living in Malabon. During my freshman year in UST, every afternoon after class, Id go straight to my high school classmates house in Baritan and hang out with my friends. The community teemed with quirky characters from the neighbors to the marauding invaders from other neighborhoods who wanted to beat us up. No, they are not wrinkled sacks of oddity and dark humor just like the characters in Little Britain, but they are as memorably screwed-up.
There was the transvestite who looked like a cross between Aerosmiths Steven Tyler and Joe Perry. The tranny carried a mysterious black bag. Weve always wondered what was in the bag. Money? Makeup? Monay? A severed head? Kryptonite? A post-it with the secret name of God written on it? Elaborate conspiracy theories were concocted over beer-gin. One day, Joe Tyler approached my sister Pura and tried selling her items from her bag, which turned out to be lotions that were so ancient Delilah probably used it to seduce Samson. We never saw him after that. Hmm
My classmates cousin was a fearless joker. He would make fun of anyone, anytime. When he heard someone fart inside a jeepney, he nonchalantly said, "I can name that tune in one note "
The neighborhood plumber wore dentures fit for a horse. One day, he went to my classmates house to repair a clogged toilet and accidentally dropped his false teeth into the bowl. He wore them the next day.
A neighbor wore the same pair of blue jogging pants for two years. He had this paranoid delusion his pants would run away from him if they were put in the washer.
Another neighbor had bizarre scars on her legs. She celebrated her birthday in a resort and wore a two-piece bikini paired with black stockings.
My classmates older brother Peewee loved spaghetti. His mother once admonished him for his sloppy eating. "Pahiran mo nga yang sauce sa gilid ng nguso mo," she told him. He got a piece of bread, wiped the sauce with it, and then promptly ate the bread.
One day, the two of us went to a video shop to rent a movie. When we got there, Peewee stared intently at a VHS tape of Beauty and the Beast. I asked him what was bugging him. "Kapag asawa mo cartoons, paano kayo magse-sex?"
My friends and I went with Peewee to a Halloween party. We sat down on a corner littered with plastic Jack O Lanterns, drank watery punch, and were sickened by songs like Supersonic and other schmaltzy dance tracks from the C&C Music Factory, MC Hammer, and Tone Loc. Peewee bullied the DJ into playing his "And Justice For All" tape. We heard the strains of Metallicas The Shortest Straw, yelped and invaded the dance floor, slamdancing, shouting, ruining the night of the living preppies. The hosts booted us out of the party. Before leaving, Peewee set fire to "The Mummy" (actually, it was a mannequin with rolls of white tissue paper wrapped around it). Never have I heard so much screaming in my life. Peewee was all smiles: "Bilis masunog ng tissue no?"
My schoolmates dad waged a war against cockroaches. Determined to outwit those blasted insects, he put insecticide inside an eye-drop dispenser in order to reach narrow crevices used as headquarters by those scourges with wings. One day, he woke up with his eyes itching, reached for the eye drops, and
There was a cowherd who "parked" his cows in once corner, went on drinking binges in a sari-sari store, and delivered a dramatic monologue about God, cows, and the meaning of life. He was the oddest little Baritan resident of all time.
Even the transvestite with prehistoric lotions avoided him.
Even the cows found him baffling.
Rockestra brings together six rock bands Imago, Cambio, Sandwich, Silent Sanctuary, Sugarfree, and Twisted Halo with the Manila Symphony Orchestra. They will share the stage on Aug. 19, Friday, at the Tanghalang Francisco Balagtas (formerly Folk Arts Theater) at 7:30 p.m.
Tickets priced at P975, P630, P350, P175 and P75 are available at the CCP ticket booth, major National Bookstore branches, Robinsons Department Store (Malate, Galleria, Cavite and Pampanga), Tower Records (Makati and Alabang), Music Museum (Virra Mall, Greenhills), Ayala Center Greenbelt 1 Ticket Booth Cinema Lobby, Glorietta 1 Ticket Booth Cinema Lobby, and via www.ticketworld.com.ph. Call 891-9999 for inquiries and reservations, or e-mail manilasymphony@gmail.com.
Rockestra is being produced by The Thirdline Inc. For information, call 426-0103, 426-5301, 0918-9379209, or e-mail thirdline_2005@yahoo.com.
For comments, suggestions, curses and invocations, e-mail iganja_ys@yahoo.com.
There is a show on Star World every Sunday at 10 p.m. called Little Britain featuring David Walliams and Matt Lucas. It begins with a surreal voiceover by Tom Baker (one example is: "Britain, Britain, Britain Land of technological achievement. Weve had running water for over 10 years, an underground tunnel that links us to Peru, and we invented the cat.") This Brit-com which I believe is in the same stratosphere as Monty Python, Mr. Bean and Black Books is inhabited by a posse of grotesque yet loveable characters (played by Walliams and Lucas; in drag, usually) armed with unforgettable catchphrases.
Vicky Pollard is a shoplifting "chav" from Darkly Noone who trades her newborn baby for a Westlife CD. Wearing a jumpsuit and with her blonde hair tied with a scrunchie, Vicky mouths indecipherable sentences starting with "Yeah but no, but what happened was "
Harvey Pincher is an upper-class twit who oddly still sucks milk from his mothers nipple. The adult breastfeeding sessions usually begin with Harveys requests for "Bitty!" One episode shows Harvey jonesing for breast milk in the middle of his wedding.
Daffyd Thomas is "the only gay in the village." Has a severe persecution complex about his homosexuality, although no one gives a rats ass anyway about it in a Welsh town called Llandewi Breffi. Wears tight, red leather outfits. In one episode, he wears a snazzy navy uniform and orders his favorite drink Bacardi and Coke. ("Hello, sailors!) He auditions for the role of Hamlet by dancing to Its Raining Men, Hallelujah.
Emily Howard is the transvestite who walks the streets in a Victorian dress while spouting the words, "Im a laaaydeee " She presses flowers and strokes kittens and swims in rivers, "wearing dresses and hats."
Marjorie Dawes is the nasty facilitator of a weight-loss group called Fat Fighters. She tells her "fatties" these immortal words: "Dust is actually very low in fat, so you can eat as much dust as you like."
There is novelist Dame Sally Markham who is usually seen dictating her memoirs to her secretary. She tells her assistant to pad her book-in-progress with the whole of the Bible. Sally even dictates lines from Wham!s Wake Me Up Before You Go Go. Immortal words: "Chapter one The end!"
One of my favorites is Ray McCooney, who runs a hotel in Scotland called Ye Olde Hotel and who waxes theatrical with his flute and midget sidekicks. He tries having his window repaired by a TV repairman because "by day its bright, but by night its as black as a black mans cape!"; pays tax collectors with "magic beans"; and gives directions to the hotel to someone on the phone: "If you get to the Hanging Tree, turn right Uh Yes Its right across Ikea."
And then there is Lou and Andy (originally Lou Reed and Andy Warhol in Rock Profiles, also by the same Little Britain duo) "Yeah, I know ."
Little Britain reminds me of the laughable and loveable goofs that I met years ago when I was still living in Malabon. During my freshman year in UST, every afternoon after class, Id go straight to my high school classmates house in Baritan and hang out with my friends. The community teemed with quirky characters from the neighbors to the marauding invaders from other neighborhoods who wanted to beat us up. No, they are not wrinkled sacks of oddity and dark humor just like the characters in Little Britain, but they are as memorably screwed-up.
There was the transvestite who looked like a cross between Aerosmiths Steven Tyler and Joe Perry. The tranny carried a mysterious black bag. Weve always wondered what was in the bag. Money? Makeup? Monay? A severed head? Kryptonite? A post-it with the secret name of God written on it? Elaborate conspiracy theories were concocted over beer-gin. One day, Joe Tyler approached my sister Pura and tried selling her items from her bag, which turned out to be lotions that were so ancient Delilah probably used it to seduce Samson. We never saw him after that. Hmm
My classmates cousin was a fearless joker. He would make fun of anyone, anytime. When he heard someone fart inside a jeepney, he nonchalantly said, "I can name that tune in one note "
The neighborhood plumber wore dentures fit for a horse. One day, he went to my classmates house to repair a clogged toilet and accidentally dropped his false teeth into the bowl. He wore them the next day.
A neighbor wore the same pair of blue jogging pants for two years. He had this paranoid delusion his pants would run away from him if they were put in the washer.
Another neighbor had bizarre scars on her legs. She celebrated her birthday in a resort and wore a two-piece bikini paired with black stockings.
My classmates older brother Peewee loved spaghetti. His mother once admonished him for his sloppy eating. "Pahiran mo nga yang sauce sa gilid ng nguso mo," she told him. He got a piece of bread, wiped the sauce with it, and then promptly ate the bread.
One day, the two of us went to a video shop to rent a movie. When we got there, Peewee stared intently at a VHS tape of Beauty and the Beast. I asked him what was bugging him. "Kapag asawa mo cartoons, paano kayo magse-sex?"
My friends and I went with Peewee to a Halloween party. We sat down on a corner littered with plastic Jack O Lanterns, drank watery punch, and were sickened by songs like Supersonic and other schmaltzy dance tracks from the C&C Music Factory, MC Hammer, and Tone Loc. Peewee bullied the DJ into playing his "And Justice For All" tape. We heard the strains of Metallicas The Shortest Straw, yelped and invaded the dance floor, slamdancing, shouting, ruining the night of the living preppies. The hosts booted us out of the party. Before leaving, Peewee set fire to "The Mummy" (actually, it was a mannequin with rolls of white tissue paper wrapped around it). Never have I heard so much screaming in my life. Peewee was all smiles: "Bilis masunog ng tissue no?"
My schoolmates dad waged a war against cockroaches. Determined to outwit those blasted insects, he put insecticide inside an eye-drop dispenser in order to reach narrow crevices used as headquarters by those scourges with wings. One day, he woke up with his eyes itching, reached for the eye drops, and
There was a cowherd who "parked" his cows in once corner, went on drinking binges in a sari-sari store, and delivered a dramatic monologue about God, cows, and the meaning of life. He was the oddest little Baritan resident of all time.
Even the transvestite with prehistoric lotions avoided him.
Even the cows found him baffling.
Tickets priced at P975, P630, P350, P175 and P75 are available at the CCP ticket booth, major National Bookstore branches, Robinsons Department Store (Malate, Galleria, Cavite and Pampanga), Tower Records (Makati and Alabang), Music Museum (Virra Mall, Greenhills), Ayala Center Greenbelt 1 Ticket Booth Cinema Lobby, Glorietta 1 Ticket Booth Cinema Lobby, and via www.ticketworld.com.ph. Call 891-9999 for inquiries and reservations, or e-mail manilasymphony@gmail.com.
Rockestra is being produced by The Thirdline Inc. For information, call 426-0103, 426-5301, 0918-9379209, or e-mail thirdline_2005@yahoo.com.
BrandSpace Articles
<
>