You have an impressive collection of guidebooks and references, most of which you have committed to heart. You know the basics, although you wonder why that pimply 15-year-old cousin of your wife’s looked at you funny when you replied a cheery "Mabuhay!" to his sullen good morning.
This column is meant to bring you closer to the Filipino heart. These are the words that are so unique and loaded in meaning that they will never find a direct translation in the English language. Forget traditional dictionaries. Print this; keep this. This can save your life.
1. Achuchu (A-chu-chu). This refers to the pointless insincerities being said during long, involved conversations about nothing at all.
2. Ano (A-noh) The all-around, all-purpose word for everything.
(1) Pronoun in interrogation: Ano? (What)
(2) Noun: Where is your ano? (Where is your father/mother/dead-uncle’s-second-cousin)
(3) Verb: Anuhin this. (Paint/kill/maim/castrate this.)
(4) Adjective: This is so ano. (This is so pretty/big/astounding.)
(5) Interjection: Ano! (What the hell!)
(6) Substitute for genitalia: Did you ano your ano?
The use of ano is quite dangerous for the untrained ear, and must be put into the proper setting. "Honey, the ano is too long, we have to cut it," must be accompanied by the proper understanding of the context, as results may be critical to a couple’s future.
3. Booba (boo-bah). A female blessed with larger than usual mammary glands, which can be used as weapons of mass destruction.
4. Checheboreche (Che-che-boh-re-che) Same as achuchu. It is interesting to ponder on the reason why there are so many words in the Filipino language that beautifully describe meaningless chatter.
5. Epal (Eh-pal). An individual who believes he is God.
6. Gigil (gee-gil). An uncontrollable desire to bite something.
7. Hipon (Hee-pon). Literally "shrimp," whose body is eaten while its head is thrown away, this refers to a female whose body is to die for and whose face looks like it belongs to the dead.
8. Kikay (kee-kay). Refers to individuals who carry a brush, hand wash, moisturizer, lip-gloss and various other facial enhancements in a case (aptly called a kikay kit) inside her bag. Recent inspections of various backpacks have led to the conclusion it is not a purely female trait. This breed cannot resist checking themselves out on mirrors, glass windows, bread knives, sidewalk puddles and plastic-covered notebooks.
9. Kaekekan (Ka-ek-e-kahn) Same as achuchu and chechebureche.
10. Kilig (keel-leg). A rush of excitement due to the actions, presence or even mention of he whom you see as the future father of your children.
11. Laglag-brip (lag-lag-brip). The female counterpart of laglag-panti
12. Laglag-panti (lag-lag-pan-tee). A man so incredibly hot, so heart-stoppingly gorgeous and oozing with masculinity that female underwear (whether worn by males or females) falls to the ground without effort whatsoever.
13. Indyanero (In-jan-neh-ro). An individual who fails to appear at an appointment without prior warning. Not to be confused with individuals who appear according to Filipino time (approximately 10 minutes before the meeting is to end)
14. Japorms (Jah-porms). Describes an individual dressed differently from the usual (typically involves clothes that have been laundered and pant legs of roughly the same length).
15. Lagot (Lah-got) A prophesy of evil things to come.
16. Para (Pah-rah). A term that informs the driver of a jeep to stop and pause (usually in the middle of the road) as the individual speaking intends to leave the vehicle. Dangerous for individuals as drivers seem to believe having one foot in the air is all that is necessary for descent.
17. Takusa (Ta-kuh-sa). Derived from takot sa asawa (afraid of wife), this is a term used to describe the silent (very silent) minority of males married to feminine reincarnations of Hitler.
18. Torpe (tore-peh). A gentleman who is desperately attracted to a female yet by some strange compulsion is reduced to a frozen mound of stuttering male whenever that female is near.
Armed with this list and a smile, you will be sure to make the proper impression not just on your new relations, but on your loved one as well. Now let’s practice:
"Honey, when I first saw you, I made laglag brip, and was almost torpe. When I finally got the nerve to date you, I almost became indyanero, because I didn’t think I had the right japorms. When you’re around, I’m kilig, when you’re not, I get gigil. You may think all this is achuchu, kaekekan, just chechecoreche, but in truth, my love, I’m so ano with you."