Everywhere I turn, there’s always some person telling me I’m not thin enough – the woman at the department store shaking her head when I timidly ask for a larger size, the underwear billboard over on Edsa with some stick-thin model with large breasts, the decrepit old aunt who would mutter disappointedly,–"If only you were thin, you’d be so pretty!"
Well, I’m sick of it! Sick of the double-sided compliments, the diet fads and drugs and quick-fix solutions, the girdles and other hopelessly useless "thinning supplements." No longer will I jokingly offer a "guesstimate" when the nurse asks me to step on the scales during yearly doctor’s appointments. I’m tired of my failed attempts at bulimia (I could never puke anything substantial anyway’– just lots of gross saliva). But mostly, I’m sick and tired of dieting: the rules and regulations, the disappointment, the tapeworm.
Every year, I’d resolve to eat right and lose weight. I’d watch Oprah and weep whenever they did those before-and-after shows – where the fat housewives would get so depressed, they’d gain like 200 pounds and be so gross their husbands would divorce them and their kids would disown them. In true Oprah fashion, they’d see the light, lose the weight through diet and exercise and show up, post-makeover, beautiful and thin. "I vowed to lose weight," the former fatty would say,""and I did! Thanks to you, Oprah!" Then her husband and kids would come on and embrace her and say, "We’re so sorry we judged you." At this point, I’d be crying into a vat of Rocky Road, wondering,’"Why can’t I be like her?"
Which is why I’ve come up with a foolproof diet plan for people with "weight problems." Being a zaftig person myself, I understand the trials and tribulations of fat people in a way that Suzanne Somers never could. No ab machine or thigh master is going to take your problems away! Is paying someone to make you sweat going to make you happy? I don’t think so. Plus, sweaty overweight people are just not attractive. So, take my word for it. This, my friends, is going to change your life.
As soon I start a diet, I’m automatically obsessed with food. It’s all I can think about. So for this to work, you need to psych yourself up and be positive. Don’t let the dieting get you down!
Whenever I feel like cramming a whole cake into my mouth, I try to do something else. I’ll reorganize my filing cabinet or alphabetize my books or maybe do some shopping. There’s nothing like going to the mall and looking for a really good pair of shoes to take my mind off food. Like a couple of weeks ago, I went shopping with my mom. As soon as we entered the store, I grabbed a wagonload of fun skirts, flirty tops and sleek dresses. Of course, none of them fit. My mom, meanwhile, had found lots of stuff, but most of them were "too big," she said, after I emerged from the dressing room, sweaty from the exertion of trying to force down a blouse without ripping the seams. When I came out empty-handed, she was all like, "What happened? Didn’t it fit?" And I was like,""Did you just call me fat?" my voice rising with each syllable. When she sighed, I got even huffier and started shouting, "The clothes here were made for Asian gnomes!" When she tried to pacify me, I yelled, "I’m sick of this bull. I’m going to McDonald’s. I need a Big Mac."
2) Figure out stuff that leads to over-eating.
Example: shopping, mom, undersized clothing.
3) Just say no to trendy diets.
What’s up with all the hullabaloo over Atkins? Didn’t anyone hear about the guy who invented it and then died from a heart attack? "It was a cardiovascular problem," you say defensively, "it had nothing to do with fat intake." There is something seriously wrong with people who order a burger and then take out the bread, lettuce, and tomato – like it’s the most normal thing in the world. Fastfood beef patty without the fixings? Gross.
I’m sorry but anything that champions deep fried pork over good old vegetables just seems kind of blasphemous to me. Lots of people claim it works, and I have to agree. Sure, it works. With all the diarrhea from the icky beef and pork you’ll be eating, you’ll no doubt lose weight.’"And what about The South Beach Diet?" you inquire smugly.""It combines good fats with low carbs for a healthy balanced diet." Well, the South Beach Diet counts Fabio and Sylvester Stallone as major fans. That doesn’t seem right, does it? And what’s with the South Beach name anyway? Are we all supposed to look like people from Florida? They’re all overly-tanned and run around the place in roller blades. Not exactly my ideal.
4.) Stay away from parties.
Magazines will tell you to "Eat an apple and drink lots of water," so by the time you get to the party, you’ll be full and ready to mingle, without worrying about the food. I don’t know what kind of parties these people are talking about. I mean, have you seen the buffet at these things? There’s nothing like some spareribs, pasta and shrimp to make you go Ahab on your diet and attack the buffet.
5) Pick a sport you’re horrible at.
You shouldn’t use a sport you’re good at to lose weight because cocky people never lose weight. They just beat the crap out of people during tennis games and never seem to sweat. Instead, pick something dangerous like cliff diving or tag football. All that nervous energy automatically makes you sweat. And if you lose a leg, that’s like twenty pounds right there.
6. Keep a food journal.
Divide the page into two columns. Label the left, "What I Want" and the right, "What I Ate." And remember: always opt for the healthier alternative.
Example:
Breakfast. What I want: Sausages with scrambled eggs. What I ate: 1 slice, wheat bread.
Snack. What I want: Sausages with scrambled eggs, garlic fried rice, sizzling hot bacon and hash browns with a dollop of butter. What I ate: a lettuce and tomato salad, no dressing.
Lunch. What I want: Tuna sandwich. What I ate: Sausages with scrambled eggs, garlic fried rice, two hotdogs and some leftover French fries.
7) Watch infomercials.
Almost every thin solution on TV is crap. The point of infomercials is not to get your hopes up by fat-burning hoaxes, but for you to visualize yourself as thin. Like when your track coach tells you to visualize the end line. This works the same way. So, when they do those before-and-after segments, just superimpose your face over theirs as they display their rippling abs and gush about how much happier they are now that they’re hot and skinny. Trust me, it works a lot better than trips to the fat shrink.’
8) Avoid beautiful people.
Beautiful people are natural diet saboteurs. They’re so used to being the center of attention that when they notice their requisite fat friend start to lose weight, they automatically go crazy and start to sabotage said friend’s weight-loss regime. It could be your best friend or your next-door neighbor. These people want to keep you fat’– because next to you, they look like dainty water lilies fresh from spring’s rainfall. They’re so used to thinking of you as fat, so that when you start to lose weight and the looming possibility that you might end up looking better than them enters their brain, they go ape-shit and start squirting melted butter into your cabbage soup when you’re not looking.
9) Think happy thoughts.
Peter Pan did it. And it made him fly. Now if I try to relate this to dieting, I’ll look like a total idiot, so I won’t even bother.
10) Respect yourself.
Starvation diets are so 1995. No one does the Calista Flockhart-deprivation thing anymore. It’s just so passÈ. So, when you’re on your way to work and you hear your stomach grumble, don’t ignore it ‘til your hunger pangs go insane and you end up passing out in the middle of the street. As soon as you feel hungry, ask yourself, "What would make my tummy the happiest right this very minute?" And if your tummy answers, "A double beefsteak meal with extra rice and gravy from Jollibee," then there’s nothing for you to do but answer your body’s call. Respect your body. Your body is a temple. To disobey your body’s needs is to disrespect it. Respect yourself. Forget that you have a presentation due at work and head for the nearest drive-through – nature dictates that you do this. So, head for home and chow down. And remember: Oprah’s on at 11.