A doggone breakup

Hi Marc,

I’m in my 4th year of college taking up physical therapy. I had my first serious boyfriend when I was in my freshman year but then we broke up in 2002. It was really hard for us since my parents didn’t approve of our relationship. We kept our relationship for a year and a half but sadly it failed. I gave up because it wasn’t working. The problem is I want my dog back because I gave him a dog last Christmas 2002. It was an expensive one. Since he has a girlfriend already, he doesn’t need anyone especially my dog. I gave him the dog because I want him to remember me. Everytime I see him at school campus he won’t say "hi" and neither do I. I feel awkward. How can I approach him to ask for my dog back?

Kathy

Giving a pet to a loved one can be a very special gift, as it’s a living, breathing, thinking being, and as such has a personality. A pet such as a dog grows and develops its personality depending on who is around to love and take care of it. When a dog is given to a romantic partner and it grows up within that relationship, then it can, in effect, become a surrogate child for that couple. I have quite a few friends who have given puppies to their boyfriends/girlfriends, and now both partners really do treat these dogs as their children. If a relationship is practice for marriage, having a dog together could be seen as practice for raising children.

This is all well and good when the relationship is going well and everyone is still madly in love with each other. Going on out-of-town trips as a family unit, boyfriend, girlfriend and a couple of four-legged kids (although you still have to make those toilet stops no matter what species your kids are). Hanging out at home all curled up on the sofa watching a movie, or going for walks in the park together… it all sounds very idyllic. That is until the fateful day comes around where mom and dad decide to break up. As with any annulment/divorce/split, the question arises… who gets the kids?

Now if the split is friendly, then both partners are often amenable to sharing the dogs. She gets them during the week, he takes them for weekends or vice versa. Or maybe even take turns by weekly or monthly rotation. Of course, if one of you really cares about the dogs more than the other, then they will usually become the primary owner. Another thing you need to remember is who gave which dog to who. This is very important in your case. For instance, if I gave a dog to my girlfriend, and we split up, I couldn’t really ask for the dog back unless I know she really didn’t care for it. It would be like asking her to also return all the jewelry, clothes and gifts I may have given her during the relationship. I might as well ask her to throw in all the great memories as well.

What I’m trying to say is that once you give someone something out of love, asking for it back desecrates the memory of that love. If you were really attached to the dog and he wasn’t then I would imagine he would give it back to you without asking. However, since you broke up in 2002, and it wasn’t until December 2002 that you gave him the dog, it’s not like you would have any special attachment to it or fond memories shared together like the ones I described earlier. Yes, you bought him an expensive dog hoping that he would think of you when he played with it, and who knows, maybe he does. However, from what I read in your question, it kind of seems that you only want the dog back because it cost a lot. That’s the wrong way of thinking.

Your ex and the dog have had a year and a half to bond, and so are probably quite attached to each other now. Do you really want to break them up? Maybe you shouldn’t worry so much about the dog and think more about getting on with your life. Personally I’d be more inclined to make friends with your ex again even if he does have a girlfriend (maybe you could try making the first move by saying hi on campus instead of waiting for him). Just put both of their minds at ease that you don’t want your ex back, but would like to remain friends. Once you’re friends again, you can ask how the dog is and I daresay you’ll find that your ex and the dog have become quite attached to each other already. Be happy in their happiness and content yourself with the knowledge that you’ve given both of them a special friend to grow up with.

Marc

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