Mr. ENERGY has no time for me

Hi Marc,

I’m based in the US and I’ve been dating this guy I met at work for a little over a year now. He’s a great guy – good-looking, polite, generous and very affectionate, almost everything a girl could ask for except maybe time. He can’t seem to give me good, quality time to spend with me. This guy has a lot of activities ranging from golf, to playing racquetball to going to sport events. I wouldn’t mind that he has all these activities if I felt that he spent enough time with me. The problem is, his weekends are usually booked with such activities (mostly during the day) that at night, he has no energy to expend with me. This really upsets me because I feel like I come second to all these activities.

Is it silly to feel this way? Is it too much to ask for to give up one weekend day to spend time with me? Is it too much to ask that he does activities with me outside the bedroom? I’d like to know your views. I want to know if I’m being selfish with my expectations.

KT

Sounds like you’ve found every woman’s dream man… except for that time thing. I don’t think you’re being overly selfish in wanting to have some quality time with him, but at the same time, he may be set in his lifestyle and finds it hard to change. The very fact that you have so far put up with him enjoying his life the way it is may be one of the reasons he’s attracted to you. He doesn’t feel pressured to dote on you all the time and you guys enjoy whatever time he has left. Have you told him how you feel yet? Or are you afraid it might put him off?

From his point of view, he may think that you guys see each other every day at work, and so on his weekends he wants to be active and hang out with the boys like he always has. This doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t want to spend time with you, but then he also misses spending time with his other friends and this may be the only time he can see them. Have you ever tried getting involved with his hobbies and interests? I’m not asking you to go cliff jumping with him, but maybe a little bit of interest on your part will enable you to appreciate what he enjoys and actually go with him some weekends.

Of course every relationship should be a two-way street, so it’s only fair that he makes a bit of time for you and your interests too. Let’s say he goes white water rafting one weekend, then he should be willing to just hang out and watch a chick flick the weekend after with you. Similarly, when he spends time going off and doing his sports, what do you do? Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean that you should devote all of your time pining away for him. What did you do on your weekends before you met him? Go out with your friends and have fun I guess, right? Well, what’s stopping you from doing that now? Maybe if he comes back from a fun Saturday and finds that you’re out with your friends instead of waiting for him at home, he may get the hint that you have a life as well. Remember that just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you should stop being who you are and doing what you enjoy. It certainly hasn’t slowed him down that much.

But then what’s the use of having a relationship if you’re both off doing different things? You do need to spend some time together, and this is where you both need to look for the common ground. What do you both enjoy doing together (apart from the one-on-one bedroom sports)? Dinners? Movies? Picnics? A little helpful reminder on your part may work wonders. Just let him know that you’d like to spend more time with him. Don’t force him to give up what he enjoys (try and change a person too much and you’ll push them away), but maybe just ask him to compromise a bit on the time. Maybe Saturdays for fun and Sundays with you. Or ask him if he can just play four games of racquetball instead of eight. Make a firm plan so that he will set himself a time limit for his sports (i.e. dinner at eight, so he has to leave the gym by 6:30 to get ready). You certainly don’t want him to give up sports entirely (I’m sure you don’t want him to become a lazy fat slob), but a bit of quality time is well deserved on your part.

So, try getting a bit more involved in his interests, and try and interest him in some of your hobbies (you could be surprised how many guys appreciate lingerie shopping…). Talk to him and explain that you are feeling a little bit forgotten, and could he please try and manage his time to fit you into his weekend schedule. Also spend more time with your own friends when he is busy instead of moping around at home. This will not only take your mind off not being with him, but should be good fun as well (I’m sure your friends have been missing your company since you got attached anyway.). If this doesn’t work, then you may need to look for a guy who may have less in the other departments, but will have more time for you. It’s all about priorities. Which is more important? Looks, generosity and manners, or someone who can devote quality time to you. There are guys with all of those factors, but in differing amounts. It’s just a matter of finding which combination suits you best. Personally, I think this present one is workable. Your relationship just needs a little bit of fine tuning. But remember, nobody is perfect and when you look at the big picture, you’re doing a lot better than someone who’s dating say, an aggressive alcoholic drug-dealer. Things could be a lot worse.

Marc

* * *

Send your questions to question_marc@hotmail.com.