Trash for the ears
April 2, 2004 | 12:00am
Last week, I accompanied my friend Vivian for her weekly grocery shopping. I settled myself in the front seat of her car, and I felt giddy about seeing someone else (besides me) raising hell behind the wheel because of a jam. Vivian cursed during most of the trip while I snickered ever so softly – just in case she heard it and served me a knuckle sandwich for lunch. Viv then popped a CD to "release stress," and pretty soon, she began singing along with the music as her mood improved. It was a special collection of her favorite tracks, she said, and I listened with horror as the 4 Non-Blondes’ What’s Going On? came banging out. It was my turn to curse.
That moment made me recall about an article I read in an old issue of The Aquarian a couple of years ago. The piece was written by John Fortunato and took on the 50 worst rock songs of all time. You guys may remember that I put out a similar list some months back, so let me once again remind you that I had nothing to do with this. But it’s a fun read (especially this guy’s comments), and although you and I may not agree with some of his selections (I definitely have a few!), let’s just all keep an open mind.
So here it is. Read it, and start your summer with a blast by listening to 25 of the 50 crappiest tunes ever recorded (so he said):
1) We Built This City - Jefferson Starship
When singer Grace Slick led ‘60s psychedelic legends Jefferson Airplane, she flipped the bird to Nixon and broke out her big boobs for the press, confronting hypocrites and shouting for political rebellion like a savage hippie. But this warmed-over ‘80s No. 1 hit proved she was now an aging, pandering twit. If Starship "built this city on rock and roll," it’d fall down with a huff and a puff.
2) Rock You Like A Hurricane - Scorpions
Not bad on first hearing, but dull and one-dimensional with repeated play.
3) We Didn’t Start The Fire - Billy Joel
Even if "it’s still rock and roll" to him, this insulting, half-baked political pabulum puked out stupidity nearly as insipid as his insulting Allentown.
4) Cumbersome - Seven Mary Three
The dictionary definition of the song title says it all: burdensome, unwieldy, clumsy. Stupid post-grunge hurled out by a very limited, unexciting, inept vocalist.
5) Everything I Do, I Do For You – Bryan Adams
Maybe this worthless turd doesn’t qualify as rock, but Adams began his career as a better than average Canadian rocker. Now he serenades boring, heavyset housewives with MOR filler. (I kind of like this one. Stop laughing!)
6) Danger Zone - Kenny Loggins
"Fall into the Danger Zone," my butt. Loggins lived in the safety of a limo backseat since his pimply ‘70s days on the road with once-talented former Buffalo Springfield member Jim Messina.
7) Kryptonite - Three Doors Down
How many fake-grunge rip-offs could saturate the stale teen market? Feckless, outdated piss water that gives blues empire Mississippi a black eye. Loser was properly titled follow-up.
8) (I Hate) Everything About You - Ugly Kid Joe
Arguably the worst ‘90s group ever. Trashy, insecure and vile.
9) Dust in the Wind - Kansas
Trying to make a heavy statement about spiritual meaninglessness was way out of the grasp of these shrill-singing art-rock hacks. Only lame philosophical potheads tried to understand its dumfounded lyrics.
10) Mr. Roboto - Styx
It’s okay to be sensationalistic, second-hand ‘70s art-rockers when you come up with something as delicious as Lady or Come Sail Away. But an unwarranted seriousness perpetuated their ‘80s material, leading these soft-headed Chicagoans to have Too Much Time On Their Hands, resulting in this dehumanized, emotionless, cyber-futuristic crud.
11) Comedown - Bush
Sterile British grunge knockoffs are safer than milk. Bush’s songs lure you in with catchy introductions, then hammer home the same unoriginal, inconsequential riffs over and over.
12) Sunglasses at Night - Corey Hart
Bone-headed tripe lacks ironic sense of Timbuk 3’s witty The Future’s So Bright (I Gotta Wear Shades). Drippy pop posing as soft rock.
13) Candle in the Wind - Elton John
Overused, meandering ballad in remembrance of Marilyn Monroe, a Hollywood whore the mafia killed off for JFK. Elton wrote about a tramp, then used it as a sagging career fodder by attaching it to a dethroned, decapitated princess. Irony? (Hoo! This Fortunato guy can be really mean!)
14) Story of A Girl - Nine Days
It took me no time to hate this flaccid, saccharine-stained wimp rock. Another hackneyed, routing, and inconsequential K-ROCK hit forced down the throats of undersexed post-teens by corporate majors.
15) 3 A.M. - Matchbox 20
First Hootie & the Goldfish rob Pearl Jam, then these pretentious Floridian knuckleheads pilfer the leftovers. (I like Matchbox Twenty! What a moron!)
16) Missing You - John Waite
Putrid smarm for those suffering from premature ejaculation but afraid to admit it.
(Ha ha ha! But he can be funny, eh?)
17) When the Children Cry - White Lion
This limp-wrist hair metal was so inconsequential, it faded into dust faster than it rose to No. 1. Faux-strings underscore a "serious" societal theme these oafs could never comprehend.
18) Heaven - Warrant
19) When I See You Smile - Bad English
Sappy, indistinguishable tripe cops John Waite’s humdrum epic style.
20) Zooropa - U2
An early ‘80s guiding light, U2 became an increasingly insipid band. Led by Bono, stuck-up jerk with bad body odor who believes his own bull$@*t, these crass Irishmen maintain press relations with Spin and Rolling Stone because their label buys expensive ads. (Hmph! I still like the band!)
21) Bad Medicine - Bon Jovi
22) With Arms Wide Open - Creed
Cloddish "noodnicks" hurl Eddie Vedder-like vocals, shave chest hair for Spin cover, and become more famous than Jesus. (Yeah, well, he does have a point on this one.)
23) Open Arms - Journey
Steve Perry screeches like a girl and gives submissive passivity a bad name.
24) Memory Remains - Metallica
When an old, tired, Napster-stifled metal punk outfit outgrows usefulness, they record covers, while only the memory remains fertile.
25) New Kid in Town - Eagles
Limited country-rockers initially infatuated by Poco and Buffalo Springfield grow up rich, discover an electric piano, and deliver maudlin crud like this. The lyric’s right: "I don’t wanna hear it." (Yeah, this tune is boring!)
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