Prince Charming gone astray?

I’m sure everyone has heard of the expression "chivalry is dead." It seems to be a common phrase of frustration for women everywhere. Your boyfriend makes fun of your new hairdo – chivalry is dead; he forgets to open your door – chivalry is dead; he’s an hour late picking you up and his excuse is he fell asleep – chivalry is dead (in this instance, chivalry’s probably not the only thing that’s dead!).

Admittedly, it’s not just about modern-day men losing their Prince Charming mindset. It’s actually more of a blurring of lines and boundaries that have accumulated over time. I may be betraying my own gender here but it’s true that men can’t all be expected to maintain their Sir Lancelot views on life when women are shedding the princess shroud and turning into avenging feminists. It’s natural for a man to be confused when he’s spent a lifetime opening doors for his ladylove only to be slapped by an equal rights woman who takes his chivalrous acts to mean that he thinks she’s too weak to do things for herself.

At the same time, I mean no offense against feminists either. After centuries of men and society telling women what we can and cannot do, it’s only natural for us to always want to prove that we can be just as strong and just as self-sufficient as the next guy. Even though the years have definitely proven over and over again that women can hold their own, thanks to a lineage that boasts of the likes of Joan of Arc, Marie Curie, Mother Teresa, and Princess Di, it’s still natural for a woman to feel threatened by a man. Like my African-American friend Rodney used to say to me – though the years of slavery are long gone the stigma of feeling like "a lesser human being" has yet to fully disappear.

It’s not just a racism war. There’s an equally powerful gender war ongoing as well. While women have crashed through the dark ages there are some places in the world where women are still viewed as second-rate citizens. In certain Asian countries, women are merely seen as trophies or only slightly above the household help and, in places in the Middle East, women are treated even worse. In this light it’s no wonder that women have been burning their bras and demanding equal rights.

But with women demanding to be treated like equals, can we still expect men to carry our things, open our doors, or pick us up at home? This question kept popping up last weekend. I went to a party in Alabang and one of my girlfriends, Regina, kept receiving messages from this guy she went out with once asking to see her. For me the solution was simple – invite him to the party. She did and his brilliant response, after practically begging to see her, was couldn’t she just meet him in Makati instead? Understandably, we were both confused. How could he send messages every five minutes longing to see her but couldn’t even get in his car and drive over to where she was? She concluded that he obviously didn’t want to see her that desperately. I agreed but a few Artic Melon vodkas later, I gave it a little more thought.

In this practical hustle and bustle world, doesn’t it make sense for two people from opposite ends of the metro to simply meet up instead of the guy driving all the way from, say, Quezon City to Alabang to pick the girl up simply to return to Makati anyway? In theory, yes, but in actuality, when it comes to guy/girl relationships nothing is ever really practical and the man picking the woman up or even meeting her where she is represents more than simple transportation. This small gesture can mean that he sincerely does want to see her no matter where she is and respects her enough to not make her drive herself down to meet him.

It’s not just limited to driving. There have been equal debates concerning paying for meals or carrying bags. Is it wrong for a woman to assume that the man will be paying? On the flip side, is it wrong for a man to expect them to go Dutch treat? The answer to both questions is no, it is not wrong, but the final question to be asked is what kind of impression the man really wants to make? Naturally, if a man is pursuing a woman he’s expected to do a little more than usual. Although I’m against the idea of "courtship" where it’s always best foot forward, I must agree that certain niceties should still be observed.

I still like to believe that men can be gentlemen and that women can be ladies. It’s not that we can’t open our own doors or drive our own cars, it’s the mere gesture of these things being done for us by a man that can make us feel special and make us realize that we mean something to him. It’s not the act itself but the gesture behind the act that makes it important.

So how does a man know if a woman wants a Prince Charming or would rather be her own knight in shining armor? I think the answer is simple – give her a choice. Don’t naturally assume she wants an 18th century man spouting poetry and sending her gilded cards inviting her to dinner. At the same time, don’t assume she wants to be treated with the same respect with which you treat your beer buddies either. With dating rules being thrown out the window in this day and age, the best thing both sexes can do is simply ask their partner what he/she wants thereby giving them a chance to create their own rules and set their personal boundaries.

I know I’m just as self-sufficient and just as tough as the next guy, but personally, I still like to be treated like a lady. I’m flexible on several chivalry issues but I prefer to be given a choice. There are days when I feel like driving myself around and there are days I prefer getting picked up. For men who say they can’t understand women I think the answer is simple, when in doubt, just ask. Some of my guy friends tell me that they shy away from chivalry because of the "nice guys finishing last" syndrome but I think most men will find that while a woman may initially be attracted to the rebellious bad boys or suave, good-looking heartthrobs who treat her badly at the end of the day, she’ll always want to end up with a gentleman.