This was the scene a couple of Saturdays ago. My cousin Mike (here on vacation from Virginia) and I went to our friend Pam’s house in Alabang and just spent the entire afternoon and early evening hanging out with her and our other friends GP, Iñigo, and Champagne. It was a welcome break from weekends spent going out and, as we chilled on the patio and just talked, an insightful look into what I’ve coined the "Single Season."
What’s Single Season? It’s the time when everyone seems to find themselves either unattached or breaking up. It’s not an uncommon phenomenon and every now and then, you’ll hear one of your friends say, "They broke up? It seems as if everyone’s breaking up now." Is it something in the water? Is it the weather? Or is it simply coincidence that people find themselves unattached all at the same time?
Initially, I’m probably the wrong person to ask since I’ve been single for quite some time now. I’ve dated here and there – great guys, not-so-great guys, what-was-I-thinking guys – but mostly great guys who are now great friends. I admit I’m no expert on what brings a relationship to the point that two people decide they need to be alone for a while. But I’ve been through "letting go" and I’ve had more than one friend share her woes with me. I can’t help but notice that these days while some couples are still going strong (good for them) most are heading to that little town called "Cool-Off" which, more often than not, is just a pit stop for the big goodbye.
So, what’s been happening recently? It may just be me, but I think most people now would agree that coupledom isn’t what it used to be in college. Back in those days, everyone had a boyfriend or girlfriend and gimmicks consisted of groups of people (mostly couples) going out and all leaving in pairs. Oh, you’d have the token single person tagging along (i.e. third wheel syndrome) but for the most part everyone had someone to go home with. This little college-couple euphoria was punctuated by the occasional scandal of cheating partners, fake friends, pregnancies, and roving eyes but, at the end of the day, it all worked out. I think we all had a little more patience back then and now, in retrospect, you find yourself realizing that if the same problems happened in a relationship today the conclusion would be "hit the road" instead of "let’s work it out."
To put it simply, I think the crux of the present-day short-lived relationship syndrome or the fodder for Single Season is basically the fact that everyone has more choices now. What was the norm for so many years is evolving and people find themselves with more freedom and more to lose if they commit.
We were raised yearning to get married. Like mom and dad, we wanted to start our own families and basically live the perfect lives. So, as we grew up we searched for someone to fit the bill of significant other and looked at every partner as a potential goal at the end of the aisle with Jesu, Joy of Man’s Desiring playing in the background.
And then, something happened. All of a sudden it wasn’t an imperative to get married and have a dozen kids. Suddenly, we had a choice. It wasn’t just one straight road anymore. It was a hundred roads curling and twisting in every single direction. We were quickly given the freedom to be able to do anything we wanted. We could focus on our careers instead of on our quest to start a family. We could be bohemian and throw caution to the wind instead of playing it safe. 9-5 jobs gave way to flexible hours doing what we loved instead of choking in our suits and ties. And relationships no longer necessarily had to lead to "happily ever after." They could simply mean "happily right now".
This new freedom presented traditional committed relationships a new problem. A commitment suddenly entailed giving up more than before. To be with one person meant giving up a hundred other potential partners, weekends spent putting on your most killer ensemble to, as Mike put it, go hunting, and basically meant giving up the thrills of this "La Vie Boheme."
The changes are both good and bad. While men and even women are now less prone to commit, it also means that at least everyone is thinking harder about a relationship before getting into one – as it should be. Instead of "boyfriend-girlfriend hook-ups" that end in bitterness because one or both partners aren’t quite ready to give up the single life, we have "dating friends" who can still enjoy their freedom while getting to know one another at the same time. It’s both a good and a bad thing and the only way "dating friends" will work is if both partners know what’s going on.
It seems like the best of both worlds and while I’m all for trying every flavor of ice cream now so you can commit completely to just one when the time comes, it comes with a simple caveat as well. Sometimes, whether you like it or not, the right flavor of ice cream comes along early and we shouldn’t be scared to forego the rest. How will you know when that happens? Cliché as it sounds, you’ll just know. In the meantime, have a little scoop of all that life has to offer.
The way the world is turning now, I think we’ve all found our way into the biggest Single Season of all. I salute all the happy couples and wish them well. As for the rest of us, as long as we have no rings on our fingers, anything and everyone goes. While it may be lonely to have no one to cuddle up to during the rains, we can console ourselves in making new friends and hanging out with old ones. We can save our hearts for the right person and while we wait, there are a million other things we can focus on – yoga classes, shopping, travel, art, movies, and basically just living life to the fullest all on our own.