Can exes stay friends?

Dear Marc,

My boyfriend broke up with me because he says he wants to focus on his studies, but he still loves me. Should I still be friends with him? – Anonymous

Umm, please tell me you’re kidding, right? You’re asking if you should still be friends with him? If he had beaten you up or stolen from your kid brother or something, then I would understand you not wanting to be friends with him. However, if his reason of wanting to focus on his studies is true, then of course you should remain friends with him!

If you’ve been reading this column for a while, then you will know that I’m a big proponent of exes remaining friends. (You only have to look at how well my ex-girlfriend Patricia and I get on to see that!) Just because things don’t work out, it doesn’t mean that you can’t get on as friends. Remember that there was something that attracted you to that person before you were a couple (unless you’re really shallow and it was only his looks).

A lot of people are friends before they become boyfriend/girlfriend. Not only that, but being a couple often means that you develop a certain closeness and understanding of each other. You are with that person at all hours and learn to know how he or she acts in so many different situations. Aside from your immediate families, the two of you probably know how each other think better than anyone. (Except if you’ve been lying to each other all this time, which is hard to keep up for years on end.) This can be a valuable tool in helping each other through problems or even just for having a good chat and laugh together.

For instance, there are some problems you may be having at work or school, or maybe even with your family (which means you can’t talk to your parents or sister about it). Some of your friends may enjoy your company and help you as best they can, but most of the time you don’t really open yourself up to them completely (whether it be out of embarrassment for a personal weakness, or the fact that they might not understand your feelings about it). These are things you would ordinarily bring to your partner to help you through.

Now, if you don’t have a partner, then what’s wrong with asking your ex? For instance, he might know how you feel about your favorite teddy bear, and understand the consoling you would need in case you lost it. Maybe bolster up your self-esteem when your parents don’t acknowledge the hard work you did to achieve your good grades, etc.

Not only are they handy when you’re having problems (now this sounds like I’m trying to endorse a toilet paper brand), but it’s also great to know that you can be yourself around them. They understand your sense of humor, and although they may not always agree with it, at least they’ll understand that you think it’s amusing (and hopefully indulge your inane giggling at the latest Rob Schneider movie).

This is of course assuming that he really is breaking up with you because of his studies, and not that cute new girl in his class with the low-cut uniform. (Better if he just gives me her number so he won’t have her as a distraction as well.) You have to bear in mind that there is the possibility that he is using his studies as an excuse to break up. Maybe the spark has gone and he wants to let you down gently? If this is the case, then he obviously does still care about your friendship and what you think of him. A total jerk would just dump you like a sack of bricks without caring how you felt about him afterwards.

If he really is serious about this happening only because of his studies, then maybe by staying friends you can get to know each other even better, and who knows what might happen in the future when he’s finished school? Not saying you should necessarily wait around for him, but who knows how things would turn out?

In the meantime you could find you really enjoy his company and maybe even be able to talk about some things now that you held back before because you thought he might get shocked, angry or jealous. (Like you know, I’ve always thought that shirt looks terrible on you.)

Of course on your end, it means you have to be comfortable being around him as an ex and not a girlfriend. This may take some time, but realizing that you can enjoy each other’s company without the romance and commitment can be equally enjoyable on a platonic level. My suggestion is give it a try and see what you think. If worst comes to worst, you can always stay away from him like you originally planned and you don’t really lose anything. But ignoring him from the start denies you the chance of possibly having a really valuable friend. – Marc

How Do I Know If A Guy Is Gay?

Dear Marc,

Hi! I’m an avid reader of your column. Marc, I just want to know what are the signs that a guy is gay. How do I know it? Give me some tips on how to detect or determine coz I have a boyfriend right now and I’m a little bit suspicious of him. Thank you! – Suspicious-Minded Minnie

Well, I notice that you haven’t mentioned whether you’re a girl or a guy. If you’re a guy then this answer will be short and sweet. Yes, your boyfriend is gay and so are you. However, I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume that you are in fact a girl. (Pretty silly question if you’re not, right?)

So, you want to know if your boyfriend has started fancying boys, eh? Hmm, let me think of some telltale indicators here. Has he started watching soccer games but not taking note of the score? Does he pay more attention to Ben Afleck’s butt than Jennifer Lopez’s when watching her video? Does he say things like "Keanu…what a hottie!" or "Liberace… now there’s a role model!"? Finding another mans underwear in his car could be another little tip, as could those highlighted ads for male masseurs in his newspaper. All of these are (as the song goes) "things that make you go hmm…"

Of course there are also some things that might make you suspicious, but have perfectly valid explanations. For instance if he takes longer in the bathroom than you do, that doesn’t mean he’s gay, it just means he’s vain (or had some bad seafood for dinner). However if he uses your makeup while he’s in there, then you may be onto something. Ordering a cocktail instead of a beer doesn’t make him gay, but it might if he orders it in a gay strip club.

But joking aside, maybe your boyfriend is going through an experimental stage, not necessarily in a sexual way, but maybe he’s merely exploring his feminine side. Just because he doesn’t sweat beer and watch basketball every day, doesn’t mean he’s joining the limp wrist brigade. Perhaps he’s just curious to find out what quiche tastes like and enjoys the company of a couple of friends who happen to be gay. This in itself is no cause for concern (at least he’s not homophobic!).

I’d look for more subtle signs if I were you. Has your sex life slowed down a lot? Does he seem a lot more butch and masculine around his parents, and then revert to suspicious gay mannerisms when they’ve left? Has he perhaps even talked about experimenting with men or mentioned any inclination towards them?

For all of these suggestions, there is really one true way of finding out. (And no, I’m not talking about paying a callboy to seduce him!) As with all pressing relationship questions… ask him! That’s right, tell him you’ve noticed him changing recently and give examples (you never used to wear my camisole under your business shirt before!). He might be apprehensive to answer at first, but you can probably get a fair idea of the truth depending on his level of discomfort or ease in answering the question. Tell him it’s OK if he is and you’ll understand.

He may be defensive, and who knows, he may not even realize himself that he has homosexual tendencies. However talking and understanding can bring out the truth. It may be that he really isn’t gay and you’re just overreacting. On the other hand, if he is, then maybe you can help him come to terms with it, as many people resist their gay tendencies for fear of what their friends and family might think. Hiding it from everyone all of the time is both stressful and mentally taxing. If he knows that, at least you can learn to accept it. Then you can help him have a much happier life.

I have a friend who broke up with his girlfriend a long time ago when he discovered that he preferred men. They did however stay the best of friends up until today, and remain close confidantes, which probably relieves some of his stress from hiding it at home.

So ask him already and get ready to fake a laugh in case he makes fun of your theory. Be careful! If you don’t laugh with him at the ridiculousness of his lifestyle, then watch out! He might whack you over the head with his handbag. – Marc

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Send questions to question_marc @hotmail.com.