How to be a Good Brat?

I was always told as a child to be nice. And as a child I was very nice. I spoke softly even if my temper was searing. This sort of social martyrdom bled into my later years, until one day I looked in the mirror and saw the skid marks on my forehead from years of being run over by salespeople, friends, lovers and many others. I was sick of it, and like that wierdo in Raising Cain who created other people in his head to protect himself from a painful childhood — I unleashed my inner brat and for once in my life I never felt so strong.

Unleashing your inner brat is nothing like being your regular truck driver screaming profanities at a hint of every misdemeanor. It’s not stomping your way inside every bar, boutique, resto and the like, and commanding attention. Nope, it’s not about being rude nor being self-centered. Like a responsible gun owner, one must use their brattiness with care. You can’t be a loose cannon nor have a star complex — especially if you’re not a star and cannot afford to buy friends (yes, unfortunately if you’re rich enough you can buy friends).

Dropping the brat bomb can be pretty tricky but if done correctly and dispensed at the right moment — you can feel like Halle Berry at the Oscars, the Brazilian Team at the World Cup and Kris Aquino falling in love again — all rolled into one.

Case in point: it’s no little secret that customer service in this country sucks. I was once in a so-called six star hotel. Now, what happened to me that afternoon at that chi-chi hotel lobby was nothing new. If only the food there didn’t kick ass — I would have closed my eyes and tapped my foot thrice and said there is no place like a food court, there is no place like a food court. But, of course, one must sometime suffer (though unecessarily) to attain one’s desires. I was waving my hands like a lunatic to get the attention of the waiter who obviously was more interested in serving people with more exotic passports than me, a potential taxpayer of our ailing country.

Feeling like I was auditoning for a deodorant commercial instead of a paying customer — I still stayed until I was served my spaghetti just at the precise moment my stomach turned acidic with acute hunger. So, how do you treat a situation like this? How can I get better service in this indolent and rascist hotel without having to resort to wearing a wig, in the hopes that I will be mistaken for a foreigner thus get better service. How can you be assertive without being annoying. What does one do when the shit hits the fan?

Generally fortuitous and crap munchers, Pinoys usually don’t want to cause "trouble" and turn a blind eye to any sort of scandale. We usually just look for a nostrum when the situation gets deadly. You see the sort of "trouble" that I refuse to remedy is like some strain of social virus that spreads from racist hotel lobbies to snobby boutiques to indolent banks to ungrateful friends. Silence feeds this "trouble" virus until one fine day you sadly realize that you are a slave to the "trouble" you helped manifest through your lack of action.

Here are some tips to use your brattiness to your advantage:

1. With dreadful service providers such as blind waiters, lazy sales people, and the like, don’t reason with them. The waiter will just spit on your food give himself a hearty pat on the back and the salesperson will just ignore you more. Call the manager! One might feel guilty (like me before) for being a snitch on these indolents especially since their dismal attitude may stem from an anemic paycheck. However a job is a job and it should be done right. If this sort of attitude continues don’t you think we’ll be sinking a lot faster as a country than Venice. There should be responsibility in both parts: the server must do what he must on his end to provide efficient service and the customer must always demand for the service he or she is paying for. Now, even if the manager is in cahoots with the server, the hassle of dealing with a brat is so ardous that you’ll be getting your steaming spaghetti in no time. Just as long as you maintain your poise and try to bite your tongue as you feel the F word rolling out, you should be fine. Turning up your voice a decibel or two kinda helps. It’s nice to see that blush creeping in the manager’s face as other customers hear about their golden ineptness.

2. Ungrateful friends are the most nakakagalit of them all. I’ve been abused by many of my jungle quality bratilda friends for many years for the simple reason of me not wanting to cause trouble. Then just recently I realized that having four or so reasonable and respectful friends is better than having a brat battalion by the hundreds. When I was younger I was such a people pleaser that I pleased everyone beyond my natural capabilities just so they would like me. I ended up being liked but hating myself at the same time. So I learned this really useful word called no. No has been a very good word to give especially to utilitarian friends who are only after their own comfort. A gauge of friendship is not only seen in giving your unconditional love but also by putting people where they belong. If you feel that you can’t rectify a certain friend’s behavior with positive results or fear a misunderstanding once a discussion regarding a certain matter is started — then more often than not...this friend is not worth keeping.

3. Keep a good eye on yourself. Sometimes one can get carried away with brat attacks. An example would be me sharply snarling at a inefficient salesperson a few days ago when he failed to deliver a shoe I ordered weeks in advance. Though every inch of the unfortunate situation was really due to their incompetence — I said things that I really should have not. Thus making me really the loser of the situation even if I did get my shoe (which I must say was in a sorry state). You can only feel like a winner when you are graceful in your battles — otherwise you’re no better than they are as I have learned in my Naomi Campbell moment. If you want respect, you still have to give respect.

So there shed that guilt, win them over and be a brat in style!