Behind bars

It’s a natural inclination for man to be curious of what lies on the other side of the fence. In my case, being Chief Lush, I was curious on what lay on the other side of the bar. Last Christmas, I treated myself to a beginners course on bartending. My first class consisted of how to make perfect lemon rinds and every boring thing a bartender should know — it made me want to have a drink.

Needless to say I became a bartending school dropout. I can’t think of anything worse. However, I brought out the Bill Gates side of me (who dropped out of Harvard and then ruled the world) and I was not discouraged by my failure in alcohol academia. I learned through books and used my alcoholic friends as guinea pigs. Through empirical experience (through smirks of distaste to sighs of pleasure) I was ready to shake it (literally).

My debut as a mover of a shaker came in the second Dish Charity Bartending run held last week in (surprise!) Dish at the Power Plant. Philip Cu-Unjieng (executive editor of People Asia and co-owner of Dish) and EJ Litton (formerly of Stars and now co-owner of Dish) answered my prayers and asked me to bartend!

I was excited till I got there. All these people who at least graced the cover of a magazine or a billboard were all there as guest waiters and bartenders. I mean, these are people I write about for God’s sake! I was the Jane Doe of the night. It was especially highlighted when each person was called on stage. Each got an applause from adoring fans and admirers, and when it came to me I could hear the hundred-thousand-decibel shouts of my friends who I forced to come! I could see the other people as they looked at me in wonder with the perfect look that said: "Who the f*ck is that?"

So anyway, all Molly Ringwald drama aside, bartending for 700 people ain’t no easy task. I was actually working out my biceps enough to last me a year’s worth of dumbell curls. At one point of the night, I went up to Philip and said that this is alcohol rehab. Of course, I was kidding! Everytime I would shake up an order I would cross my fingers hoping I made a little too much. When I did (yipeee!), I would pour it in a coffee cup and chug it before some gorgeous actress (and especially before some gorgeous actor) would yelp out the next order.

It all went on like a whizz of frantic activity. More ice, too little alcohol, wrong cocktail, where are the napkins, oh sh*t I spilled some on myself, oooh that tastes good, to oh, wow who’s that hottie, to hey will you pay attention...it was endless. A labyrinth of energy and action. I could see my friends shout "finally." I was having, with chaos and all, the time of my life. I felt like a diva in an apron and the shaker was my mike.

Of course, we were ecstatic with the turnout because it would assure that the beneficiary, Habitat for Humanity, would strike it lottery-rich for the night! Then my co-bartenders Derek Ramsay and Joey Mead (two constant reminders that I have to see Dr. Belo, and to never eat again) and I were comparing tips. Derek and Joey got enough to buy ‘em new outfits. I just got twenty bucks. No dough for Jane Doe.

My twenty bucks of fame didn’t dampen me one bit. My liver was crunching again and my spirits were Absolut-ly high (hik!). You know that show in MTV, Becoming, where you could be any star you wanted to be for a day? Well, I just wanted to be that guy behind the bar from Stars. It was a dream come true and for a good cause at that! Life could not get any better.

A few days later, Philip thanked me for bartending. I thanked him, too. After thanking each other for a few more minutes, I told Philip that writers don’t make good bartenders. We are engineered to drink too much — well, that’s what I believe. It gives my vice some substance and drama but I’m just being self-involved here. He said that he wanted to give me the George Plimpton experience. George Plimpton was the guy who would follow Ali around and write about it. He would even join Ali in the ring.

It certainly gave me something to write about though I do not know to what benefit this account would do to anyone. They say that a fantasy sometimes is better when it simply remains a fantasy. Like some people fantasize about threesomes and when they actually do it they either get a) an STD b) a divorce c) their raunchy pics plastered on the Net d) all of the above. They end up regretting it. However, in my case it was all good. I like to be told what to do especially when it comes to my shaker! Nice to know that I have a second career choice.

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Dish will be having another Dish Bartending run in July for the benefit of the upcoming Asian Games. Shake me an email at coffeetococktails@hotmail.com.