Signs of the times

I like driving outside of Manila once in a while; it clears your head from all the traf-fic, the billboards, the leftover political ads, the graffiti littering EDSA. Hop in a car and head out to Bacoor, Cavite, Los Baños, or wherever.

Ah, the provinces. That’s the best place to take in the local scenery: the ricefields at dawn; the idyllic sight of carabao grazing against a hazy sun. And, of course, the plentiful Filipino signs.

Got a few hours to kill on the road? Need some stimulation for the long drive? Try spotting humorous signs, those crafty little homemade jobs put up by roadside vendors. It beats flipping through text messages, believe me.

Heading out to, say, Bacoor, one travels south along the Coastal Road lining Manila Bay. After a few simple exits, you’re well within prime sign-spotting territory. There you will find colorfully-named restaurants such as EAT, PAY & GO (a name obviously designed to instruct patrons on the correct order of things). Food businesses are your best bet for laughs: who could resist a second glance at a burger shack that’s brazen enough to call itself BIG MAKS? Of course, references to Western franchises are everywhere here: just change a letter or two, and you can get away with a lot. There’s the Manila-based MANG DO’S, which sounds suspiciously to Pinoy tongues like a certain US fast-food chain. And along the road to Bacoor, you can sit right down at McMONAD’S restaurant, complete with the familiar – albeit handpainted – Golden Arches. You’d have to have pretty bad eyesight, though, to mistake McMONAD’S for McDONALD’S, even on the hazy road to Bacoor.

(The hands-down winner for least-appetizing restaurant names, by the way, has to be The Quick Stomach, located in Makati. Never been there myself, so I can’t comment on the quality of the food. But that name, that name: Why not just call yourself The Rapid Upchuck?)

Back to the road. You will notice that entertainment is a big concern in the provinces. Dancehalls and beer joints are everywhere on the road. And as sure as there’s a Saturday Night Fever, you can safely bet that, in the Philippines, some disco owner somewhere is going to put up a FRIDAY NITE FEVER (like the one located in Caylabne).

On the road, car safety and maintenance is also a prime concern. Mechanics come up with creative, eye-catching names to advertise their specialties, such as FLINTSTONE HI-TECH MUFFLER. (Somehow the image of Fred Flintstone foot-pedaling his own prehistoric car doesn’t really suggest "hi-tech" to me, but never mind…)

As you get closer to Puerto Azul, a wealth of lesser resorts start springing up. Every little cluster of bungalows, with or without beachfront, pretty much qualifies as a "resort." But would you really go out of your way to visit the AROMA BEACH RESORT? I didn’t think so.

The provinces do not have exclusive rights to funny signs, of course. You can easily find specimens within Metro Manila, such as the signmaker who calls his business ARTS & SIGNS (a pun on "arts and sciences," you see). Actually, I found that one pretty clever. I wonder if this was the same signmaker responsible for the other clever business names we spotted in San Juan, such as SCREWMASTER (a tool/hardware specialist whose shop is located right next to the badly-dated and badly-named Y2K SCREW).

Down the street from SCREWMASTER, one can spot the sign for a custodial business called CLEAN CITY, INC. Their memorable motto? "Talk Dirty To Me."

Entering the parking lots of most Manila malls these days, you’re bound to encounter security guards whose job it is to protect shoppers from mad bombers. You’re also bound to come across puzzling signs such as the following (posted at Robinsons Galleria): "FOR THE SECURITY OF OUR CUSTOMERS, ALL VEHICLES WILL BE SUBJECTED TO RANDOM SEARCH." That one got me scratching my head: Is the search random or not? Perhaps the adjective "random" refers to the efficiency of the guards: that could explain why they sometimes look in your trunk, other times just pass a mirror under the chassis of your car.

But out in the provinces, it seems sign makers are a little more carefree and whimsical, almost as if they realize that fewer people are noticing – or judging – their handiwork. Perhaps vendors and businesses in the provinces prefer a good joke to impressing foreigners.

Fortunately, I’m a foreigner who also appreciates a good joke, so I was almost tempted to stop in at the WHY ME COCKTAIL LOUNGE (also located on the road to Bacoor). There, I expected to encounter a grim barful of provincianos drowning their sorrows in San Miguel and cheap whisky, a Sinatra imitator warbling along with the karaoke machine in the corner. Alas, it was too early in the day for such merriment.

Very close to our destination in the provinces, I was reminded of how important gambling is here to pass the time. Sabong signs begin popping up along the road every few hundred feet. The largest such establishment in the area is the imaginatively-named SURVIVOR COCKPIT ARENA.

And wouldn’t you know it? Not far off, suspiciously close to the back door of SURVIVOR, you will find a restaurant called (I kid you not) JHUN’S CHICKEN HOUSE. Hmm…

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