The evolution of love

MANILA, Philippines - When our grandfathers were still in the midst of pursuing our grandmothers, contact was not as easy to come by as it is now. It’s been overstated and it sounds so analog to even say, but the apps that keep our loved ones from miles away right in our pockets — Whatsapp, Viber, Snapchat, Skype, even your run-of-the-mill SMS — were far from the imagination. Nothing was as instant as knocking on someone’s door, sitting on their porch, and talking face-to-face. Phone calls had to go through operators, letters took weeks to arrive after being meticulously written in beautiful cursive. Photographs were both permanent and private — they would not dissolve into thin air within a matter of seconds, and you had the security of manually choosing with whom they were shared.

This meant that there were standards for courtship and certain protocols to be followed, because nearly everything required familial consent, and the times were just that much more conservative. Women were regarded as the bearers of purity, and were so guarded; you were either the Madonna or the whore, and there was no flesh and blood in between. And not to spark a debate on equality, but while the struggle of women is far from over, the times are much more forgiving now than they were before.

So what is amusing here is that some conventions of those times persist even though the era we live in is largely different, with a large decline in flowers or poetry, and a steep climb in dick pics and sketchy pick-up lines. Here are a few that truly boggle the mind, and deserve a bit of questioning:

‘Women should never make the first move’

Of all the romantic conventions I’ve heard, this is the one I hate the most. If you like someone, regardless of your sex or orientation, you need to be able to let that person know that you are interested. Girls constantly complain that this guy has been flirting with them on the regular, but never actually asks them out. Why not suggest going out for coffee, then? The worst that can happen is that he’ll say no — which is highly unlikely, really, as coffee is so beyond low risk. But he could also say yes, in which case, you’ve given a clear sign that you’re interested, and now it’s his turn to shock and awe.

Good things come to those who wait, sure, but there is such a thing as waiting proactively and putting yourself out there. If you’re just sitting around, waiting for love to magically appear, you may as well spray on a ton of citronella kasi lalamukin ka talaga diyan, sis.

‘Men should always foot the bill’

I think that certain acts of chivalry like opening your date’s door and making sure she gets home safe are so considerate and affectionate in general that they should never die. But in terms of finances, times are hard for everyone, even for those who are doing extremely well. So, as a mere act of consideration, it’s really almost mean to expect a man to pay your way through every encounter.

The reason why this was the standard before was because women rarely had a shot at making a decent amount of money, and they relied on marriage to keep themselves solvent. So it stands to reason that if you’re making an income, you should be at least reaching for the bill, too. (Take note, this is not an advocacy for sugar mommying, merely for fair distribution of expenses.)

‘Homemakers should be women’

Traditionally, we have been conditioned to believe that domesticity is the woman’s domain and that men just need to provide financially and show up to things. Schools have given us women years of home economics, with more training in setting tables, cooking meals, sewing up rips and patches, and basic gardening than we would ever know what to do with.

Again, two-income households have made the strict Stepford Wife thing much more outdated, and yet we still expect as much from one half of the household. This is a convention born during the time that men did not hold their children and women still smoked when they were pregnant. Women are human and get tired as well, and these days they expect more of a partnership from those they marry. Pick up a spatula, boys, or get really good at kitchen clean-up, because momma needs some time for wine and a few episodes of Scandal.

‘A woman must be at her partner’s side the entire time so that he will be faithful’

This somehow presupposes that any cheating that occurs is the woman’s fault, as well as the idea that only men are philanderers. It also operates on the notion that men are animals who only operate on their primal instincts and are incapable of making sensible decisions under stress (the same argument that is perpetuated by those who victim blame in the instances of rape). Newsflash: not all men are dogs, women make just as many awful decisions, and everyone shares the blame. Chances are, if you have to keep a leash on your man, it’s not a very healthy relationship to begin with. As my father so wisely said, “Spouses are not faithful because they are constantly under guard or because they fear their spouses. They are faithful because they are faithful.”

‘The roles of men and women in relationships are strictly defined’

I’ve seen this most strongly in gay relationships where the more ignorant ask, “who’s the man and who’s the woman,” presupposing that in every relationship, there are strictly defined roles for each sex. It is the same as advising someone to find “someone who loves you more than you love him, because men are easily bored.” Certainly, there are some behaviors and characteristics that make men and women different, but to narrow it down to one being docile and the other dominant is more Fifty Shades of Grey than at all realistic.

People are capable of much more than we dare to expect if given the chance to explore their place in any situation, and instead of fitting people into boxes that hardly fit anyone, love would be better served if we taught younger generations about the importance of give and take. In every relationship, there comes a time when love is not enough, and you have to be able to give of yourself even when it is at its most painful. This is where the real romance lies, not in the flowers or candy, but in the actual acts that prove the boundless measure of love.

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