Why we have no business shaming single mothers

MANILA, Philippines - Much has thankfully been said against the public shaming of a 17-year-old single mother at her child’s baptismal ceremony. So much, in fact, that it prompted Fr. Romeo Obach to apologize, and media liaison Fr. Alfonso Suico to try to pacify the mob. Clearly repeatedly drumming the statement “’Di ka ba nahihiya?” was the least appropriate thing to do, as even those who normally judge women who get pregnant out of wedlock expressed their disapproval.

This whole incident, however, is but a manifestation of how we still do look down on such women. Fr. Olbes (and many others) think of saying the things they say because of the current paradigm. And we react as strongly as we do against such statements because they remind us that we’re still living within said paradigm, which we will hopefully seek to change. A deeper inspection of what basis this stigma has to continue existing, however, doesn’t reveal much aside from the usual “We live in a conservative country” cop-out.

Should they really be embarrassed?

One, regardless of what our personal take is on what constitutes sexual morality, we’re old enough to know to stay out of other people’s bedroom affairs. Unless they’re spreading disease or breaking the fidelity vows they made to people we care about, it really is none of our business.

Secondly, as Andi Eigenmann famously put it, “Just because you’re not pregnant, doesn’t mean you didn’t have sex, diba? That doesn’t say anything. That doesn’t mean that you’re a virgin and you don’t sleep around.” With the very recent passing of our practically toothless RH Bill, it could even mean that the person couldn’t afford contraceptives, or was out of reach from proper reproductive education. It could even mean that she was raped. It could be anything, really — condom breakage, perhaps. But it’s interesting how the defamation suddenly pours down just because fertilization occurred. How we suddenly look at these women as if they just died, when in fact many of the single mothers I know have gone on to flourish in their careers, find love, and even travel the world.

Taking on motherhood

That’s not to say that getting pregnant out of wedlock isn’t a big deal. This is a new life we’re talking about. If you’re young, this probably wasn’t part of your plans and you now have to fast track your maturity and somehow figure out how to care for another human being, while still achieving your goals. If you live in the Philippines, you have to develop the strength to stand against the social stigma, fighting not only for yourself, but for your child as well. It is the end of one way of life as you know it, and the beginning of something uncertain and much scarier. I’ve never been in the position, but I imagine it has profoundly broken hearts in a way no measly break-up with some guy could ever equal.

And yet these single mothers push through. They recover from any emotional breakdowns they may have had and make that life-long commitment to someone they haven’t met. They walk into the church and tell the world of their child despite the nasty opinions it may bring upon them. They throw themselves in hook, line, and sinker — from stretch marks, sleepless nights, skipped meals and other forms of self-deprivation, to forever having their hearts run around outside of them.

Needless to say, if all you’re currently worried about are your academics, some form of pleasing your boss, or the content of your baptismal sermon, you really have no business shaming or even looking down on single mothers. They are strong and willful in ways that you know nothing about. This is where the phrase, “’Di ka ba nahihiya?” ought to be applied.

Plus, it is the height of hypocrisy to speak of how mothers are our modern-day-heroes, but when the birth happens to come without a husband, we can’t wait to play the slut card. Neither does it make much sense, because obviously parenting alone, in the face of a partner who flaked out, is much harder. As my Facebook friend, Valeri Inting, put it in a status, “I just realized that I actually do not know anyone raised by a single parent who is ashamed of how they were brought up.”

There really is no reasonable reason for the stigma to exist. It’s just a meritless thought that we’ve been taught to think. It’s true that single motherhood has its consequences, but consequences are better dealt with directly rather than dramatized. Mother and child are already here. Might as well welcome them with open arms.

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