How to fake-grieve
MANILA, Philippines - If we are to pretend to mourn, human nature dictates that the object of that imagined distress must be a person we aspire to become. In short, it has to be someone fairly young and attractive, as in the case of Paul Walker, or noble and exceptional, as with Nelson Mandela. Here’s how you can fake-grieve in four easy steps:
1. Tweet ‘RIP (name of dead celebrity)’
Don’t worry if you’re late to the party and hear about the death days later. You can still do your part in reducing a person’s entire existence to a trending topic. Remember: if this late famous person does not receive at least 5,000 tweets or reblogs acknowledging his or her passing, he or she will not be able to enter the grand VIP section known as heaven.
2. Follow up with a longer post and make it about you.
Now that you’ve demonstrated your superficial awareness of the recently departed, bring the focus back to your favorite person in the whole wide world: you. After all, this is your social media space and you are mourning what you have lost. How dare they pass away.
3. Express fake outrage at those who are sullying the memory of the deceased with their ignorance and apathy.
Google a quote and post the first one you see. Educate your followers about the accomplishments of the person you did not care about two minutes ago. Search for people who admit to being unfamiliar with the departed and give them a taste of your social justice. Morgan Freeman is not Nelson Mandela! Everyone must hop on this #RIP bandwagon!
Bonus: Feel free to also do this after a natural or man-made disaster strikes. It doesn’t matter if the tweet or post is woefully out of context. Upbraid those who are guilty of such offenses as “living their life,†“having fun†or “sleeping†while, say, a tornado, typhoon or earthquake ravages another part of the world. Shame them for not being as sensitive, compassionate and pretentious as you.
4. Forget that this happened and move on.
But life must go on. It’s enough that you have fake-grieved for all of 10 minutes, which is an eternity in Internet time. So have you downloaded One Direction’s Midnight Memories? Have you seen the interactive Sherlock trailer? Who is Paul Walker?
