To: Manny Pacquiao
MANILA, Philippines - Ah, my Mayweathered — I mean, fair-weathered friend. Congratulations on losing but still bagging a billion pesos. Don’t worry about that last glitch of a match, we still love you. In the wise words of the late Aaliyah: “Dust yourself off and try again.” Here, have an orthopedic pillow and a Magic 8 ball. The pillow’s to cushion your next fall, and the 8-ball is to help you decide whether you want to be a boxer, politician, or celebrity. Merry Christmas to you and your family. Hugs and kisses, Supreme
Don’t you just hate it when you don’t get invited to special events? It’s okay, you were prettier than the bride naman eh. Since we don’t want you to have a malamig na pasko, we insist that you accept this one-year membership to Grindr Xtra that we’re gifting to you. Merry Christmas and stay beauty! xoxo, Supreme
To: The Republic of China
First of all, congratulations on your new iPhone 5. Did you know that the iOS6 map sucks? Using it is probably the reason why you think that our part of the sea is yours even though it’s really, really far. For that, here’s a $10 iTunes gift card so you guys can buy a new map app: one that works and shows that our sea is rightfully ours. Sheng Dan Kuai Le!, Supreme
According to a handy infograph that we found on the Internet, Christmas is usually the time when most couples break up. This might explain why Selena left you and started dressing up like a hipster. Or it could be because you decided to bring a slutty-looking Victoria’s Secret model to see The Lion King on Broadway. In any case, we know you’re having a tough time with the break-up and having ZERO Grammy nominations. It’s time to take a Bieber Break. Here’s a one-way ticket to the Philippines. People just love you here. Really.
We’re also including a DVD of Star Cinema’s Pacquiao: The Movie starring Jericho Rosales and Bea Alonzo, so you can watch it during the long flight. Merry Christmas! Yours truly, Supreme
To: Jessica Sanchez
We have all seen you perform and wow the judges in American Idol. It’s pretty disappointing that you were born in the U.S. and not here in the Philippines thereby nullifying our #PinoyPride hashtags whenever you appear on TV (because, duh, she doesn’t even go here). We have found a solution which is sure to make your Christmas a happy one: a birth certificate from Recto that proves that you were born at Fabella Memorial Hospital. Congratulations, you’re now a Filipino!
May-lee-ga-yang pas-kow and you’re welcome. Supreme
Congratulations for being the new Vic Sotto and for glamorizing yet another potentially vile Filipino figure. Did you know that Emilio Aguinaldo ordered the killing of Andres Bonifacio? We’re excited to see that part in your new film, if that scene even exists. Have you decided yet on your next film/biographical mess? If not, then we’re giving you this dice with pictures of prominent Filipino figures that you should play in your next MMFF entry. On it are six choices which include Erap Estrada, Juan Ponce Enrile, Agapito Flores, and our personal favorite: Boy Abunda. Merry Christmas and we wish you can make Salamin: The Boy Abunda Story a reality next year! Saging lang ang may puso, Supreme
To: The House of Representatives
We stayed up all night on Wednesday to watch you cast your votes on the Reproductive Health Bill. It was like a gripping episode of Survivor — it had drama, suspense, and it featured a bunch of vile, scheming people.
But you came through in the end. To the 113 congressmen who voted for the RH Bill, thank you for empowering women, and giving poor families the tools to exercise responsible parenthood. To the 104 congressmen who voted against the bill, thank you for giving us enough homilies to last a lifetime. By the way, here’s a joke: “Separation of church and state.”
While we have a long list of other bills we’d like you to pass (Cough, Freedom of Information Act, cough), today, we’re going to shower you with affection. Enjoy this lechon served specially in a barrel — just the way you like it. May the odds be ever in your favor, Supreme
It appears that you have found your one direction. We’re so excited to hear about another potential break-up on the next album. If, for some reason, he manages to disappoint you on your birthday again (or God forbid, Christmas), don’t worry because our gift to you is long, hard, and possibly painful. Yup, it’s a sex toy.
Please enjoy what could possibly be your best relationship. Merry Christmas and belated happy birthday! Supreme
To: Tito Sotto
I think that I shall never see a poem as lovely as a tree. A tree whose hungry mouth is pressed against the earth’s sweet flowing breast. A tree that looks at God all day, and lifts her leafy arms to pray. A tree that may in summer wear a nest of robins in her hair.Upon whose bosom snow has lain, who intimately lives with rain. Poems are made by fools like me, but only God can make a tree.
Merry Christmas! Aside from that beautiful poem that I wrote, here’s a complimentary one-year membership to TurnItIn.com so you can check your speeches for originality before actually spewing them out of your mouth. Bloggers love you,Supreme