6 ways to make the impeachment trial awesome

The impeachment trial is back from a six week hiatus an eternity on Philippine TV, where seasons change every 12 weeks, and Big Brother is never off the air for more than 24 hours.

It’s understandable, then, that the public’s interest in the trial has waned. When the hearings started, people thought it was going to be a big hit a telenovela, if you will like Marimar, but with old people.

 Instead, the impeachment has turned into something like The Simpsons a TV show that’s been on forever and just isn’t what it was in 2001. The characters never change Estrada, Cayetano, Guingona, still there, like Homer, Lisa, and Bart. Serafin Cuevas is Mr. Burns, Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago is Crazy Cat Lady, and the entire prosecution panel is Ralph Wiggum.

Snoozefest

 One has to feel bad for the 24-hour news channels, who are forced to carry this snoozefest, when they could be spending more time on hard-hitting, quality programs like Personalan with Jolina Magdangal, Future Perfect, with Tony “I talk more than my guests” Velasquez, and Citizen Pinoy with that creepy American immigration attorney.

 Now, since the impeachment proceedings are a show we can’t cancel, something must be done to give it the desperate shake up it needs. Here are a few suggestions.

1. Boobs. Hit shows like Game of Thrones and True Blood have one thing in common: boobs. They’re very nice to look at and contain so much meaning, you know? Now, you may be thinking that the MTRCB will be all over this, but I’m not saying that the impeachment trial shows just any boobs. I’m talking about powerful and respectable boobs, like Sen. Ed Angara’s.

2. Kill a cast member off. They tried this once with Vit Aguirre, the lawyer who fell victim to Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago’s deathly wail of “Waaaah!” But he was just a minor character. To really shake things up, the impeachment should bump off one of its main cast Sen. Bong Revilla. Don’t worry, he’ll resurrect as the Panday if the trial drags on until December. Which it will.

3. A laugh track. Play this whenever Chief Prosecutor Niel Tupas speaks, whenever Sen. Lito Lapid enters the session hall, and when Chief Justice Renato Corona takes the stand and tries to convince us he’s fit for office.

4. Musical numbers. Like Glee and Smash, witnesses at the impeachment trial should suddenly break into song and dance. And like The Voice, Senator-Judges should turn their backs on the witnesses, and only swivel their chairs around if they enjoy what they hear.

5. Live re-enactments by Senate staff. Witness testimonies are boring. They’re all talk, no visuals. So, to give the public a better idea of what witnesses are saying, Senate staffers should play skits or do interpretative dances. This gives a fresh spin to the words, “I am the Registrar of Deeds of Marikina and I am here to testify that this deed of sale is a truthful, accurate, and certified copy of the original.”

6. Reveal that Juan Ponce Enrile is somebody’s father. Corona’s. Some of the best shows go out on cliff-hangers, like Seinfeld and The Sopranos. The impeachment trial should do the same. A verdict guilty or innocent won’t make the country gasp. But you know what will? If at the end of the proceedings, Sen. Juan Ponce-Enrile stands up and says that in 1948, he fathered Renato Corona. And in 1927, he fathered Joker Arroyo. And on his prom night, he fathered Emilio Aguinaldo. And then Juan Ponce-Enrile rips his shirt open and reveals himself to be Robert Pattinson. He glistens in the sun, says one last goodbye, and runs off into the undying lands.

The end.