Holiday jeer
Relatives, bless them, can sometimes say the most inappropriate things. Two aunts from my dad’s side of the family, characters I rarely see, are such paragons of tact. At a recent gathering, they told me something I don’t get to hear that often and therefore was quite the icebreaker: “Tumaba ka.” (“You’ve gotten fat.”)
After picking up my jaw from the floor and regaining all feeling in my face, I did what any mature person would do — I stormed out. In hindsight there were lots of things I could’ve said in retaliation: “But it’s muscle!” or “It’s the wide, horizontal stripes!” or “How’s your gambling problem?” Alas, I was too angry to be snarky. How can Filipinos, who seem to lead the pack when it comes to — cough — diplomacy, think it’s totally acceptable to substitute old-fashioned niceties such as “Great to see you” with an assessment of one’s (supposed) physical appearance?
‘I’m Curvy And I Like It’
Since this was unprecedented, the first thing that came to mind was Friends. In one episode, “The One Where Rachel’s Sister Babysits,” — part of the sitcom’s tenth season in 2003 — Joey (Matt Le-Blanc) declares, “I’m curvy and I like it!” This was his reply to Amy, Christina Applegate’s character, who cautioned him moments before that “a moment on the lips” was “forever on the hips.” I wish my comeback had been that quick. Then again that quote wouldn’t have been as effective because I’m not built like Kevin Federline. Far from it.
Can’t stomach it: “I’m curvy and I like it!” says Joey Tribbiani in a memorable Friends episode. To paint you a more accurate picture of what I look like, here are some stats: I’m a sliver away from 5’11” and weigh a respectable 162 lbs. I have a 32-inch waistline, which, last I checked, was not extraordinary. (Granted, I was in size 28 jeans last I saw them years ago, but I can still wear the Costume National trousers I’ve had since I was 16 and not have my “gut cantilevered out over the pelvis like an impending avalanche,” as Details’ Pete Wells described a muffin top in 2008.) In fact, some of the items that fit me the best come from the boys’ section at Zara, such as perfectly skinny cargo pants meant for 13- to 14-year-olds. That overshare is slightly creepy coming from a grown male, but if that’s fat, what do you call, uhm, Ruby?
Fit To Fat To Fit
Physique-wise, compared to other people who are as obsessed with training with kettlebells and TRX suspension equipment as I am, I’m a notch above okay. Still, being told mistakenly that I was getting soft and sloppy traumatized me a bit. While it’s true that I haven’t hit the gym in years, I did so for most of my college life. Determined to go from fit to fat to fit again, I’ve found new thinspiration in Christian Bale, who famously dropped from 173 lbs to 110 lbs for 2004’s The Machinist, said to be a record for any actor preparing for a role. Then there’s also Michael Fassbender, who shed 33 lbs in order to lend credibility to his character in 2008’s Hunger. I’m kidding. Or not.
Seriously though, sometimes even cruel aunts have a point. Taking a cue from Immortals star Henry Cavill — he told Men’s Health that as a child in England, he was known as “Fat Cavill” — I, too, have decided to become tougher on myself. But since I’m already doing well when it comes to diet and exercise, I’ve decided instead to focus on my self-esteem: I should really learn to not be so affected by unsolicited opinions concerning my appearance, more so when they are untrue.
With three weeks to go before Christmas, I’ve already thought of how to handle these tactless relatives when we finally meet for the holidays. If they do bring up the weight issue again and say “Ang taba mo!” (“You’re so fat!) I’ll utter — with the utmost love and respect befitting the season — a bon mot inconsiderate individuals should hear a lot more often: “F*ck off.”
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