Dear Paris,

MANILA, Philippines - It’s not every day that I get the opportunity to write about an international celebrity with the knowledge that there’s an actual possibility that it will be read by him or her. Celebrities, if anything, love to read their own press and there’s nothing I would have wanted more than to write truly flattering things about you for you to read. However, I am a Filipino first, and a newspaper staff writer second, which means that I am obliged to brief you on a few things you should know on your first visit to the Philippines. We are a very welcoming and accommodating folk, but we do things a certain way that might confuse you. Here are a couple of things that a guide book and Google won’t tell you:

Over here, or in any Filipino household in the world, whether it is wealthy or impoverished, there’s nothing that comes more naturally to us than fussing over a guest. Nearly every Filipino home has a dedicated guest room that is regularly maintained should a guest ever arrive and if we don’t, we offer the best room, sometimes the only room, in the house. If this offer is made, you must take it. We take our hospitality so seriously that if it is refused, even out of politeness, we might assume that some aspect of our home wasn’t good enough for you and we will either feel terrible or take offense. Spare our feelings and take the room.

I sure hope that you aren’t on a diet and that you’ve brought your Spanx with you because no one is fed more than a Filipino guest. Upon entering your host family’s home you will be fed. There is no use in saying that you are full or that you have eaten, you will be fed to the maximum capacity of your Hervé Leger bandage dress.

We’re quite proud of food, but we can also be very naughty about it. I’ll let you in on a secret: we love to feed our foreign guests local food, then watch them either enjoy or abhor it before telling them what’s in it. If you insist on knowing the ingredients, you might be obliged. If you aren’t, you should know that dinuguan is made of pig’s blood, sisig is made of fried bits of pork ears and other unwanted parts, adobo may appear oily, but it is one of the best things you will ever try, halo-halo is a dessert hodge podge of yummy things mixed with milk and ice, and even though your birthday was two weeks ago, you must eat pancit (noodles) for long life.

As you go on your tour of our country, you will notice that everywhere you go, you will be stared at. To a certain extent, it will be because of your massive fame and highly publicized scandals, but it is also because you are a white American woman. See, we love Americans (they’re our favorite type of Caucasian) and we love to stare. Add the fact that you’re a gorgeous white American woman and you’ve got a whole lot of Filipino eyes boring into your very soul. You’ll get used it; you might even enjoy it and make a show business career out of it here. In that case, by all means!

There is a reason why Manny loves to sing and why he endorses Magic Sing, a popular brand of karaoke machine here. Singing is one of the most prized and highly-paid talents in the Philippines and, apart from Manny, we are mighty proud of our singers. If a Filipino asks you if you listen to Charice, just please say yes and that you loved her on Glee. If we tell you that the vocalist of power ballad rock band Journey is Filipino, please pretend that the information is of particular interest to you.

On Filipino men: you might be slightly vulnerable right now from your recent break-up with Cy Walts (yes, we know about that and we’re here for you) and that’s okay, but you may be susceptible to the charms of the male Filipino. It’s not that they’re the bad sort of men — at the end of the day, men are men, regardless of their nationality — but Filipino men are in the habit of trying to be friends with women they are in love with and they don’t know really know how to get past that. It is a frustrating exercise that, at 30 years old, will no doubt bring you back to your days in middle school when boys were less upfront about their feelings. That’s not hot.

Finally, when you leave, you must be prepared for the possibility of seeing us again in Los Angeles because as you might have noticed (if you haven’t, you will), Filipinos love California. When that happens, we sure hope that you don’t forget who we are and that you treat us with the same generosity and hospitality we’ve shown you. You don’t have to board us in your own home, though because we won’t mind staying in a hotel. In fact, we insist on staying in a hotel, but if you insist that we stay with you, we’ll accept and take your master’s bedroom and a cameo in The World According to Paris while we’re at it.

Love,

Your new BFFs