Royal wedding weariness

Millions will be watching it. It’s certain that millions more will also try to ignore it. Marking the reddest of red-letter  days in England, the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton on April 29 is expected to draw in a huge worldwide audience. All eyes, it seems, will be on the British monarchy, so dry and vascular, as it takes advantage of this opportunity to infuse itself with much-needed freshness. The government expects international interest in the nuptials to bring in extra tourists and boost brand Britannia, which has lost some of its luster lately. This royal ceremony can even be considered a stupendously splashy primer to the 2012 London Olympics.  

On the other hand, there are those who, while wishing the young couple all the best, are rolling their eyes upward in despair. With relentless media coverage, the fairy tale is fast turning into a nightmare: Will and Kate 2011 is as inescapable as word of an untimely death in Hollywood. It’s the kind of information you don’t seek. It manages to find you. 

Tacky tchotchkes

Throne up: Lydia Leith’s Royal Wedding barf bag is an antidote to the hysteria surrounding the nuptials. Photo courtesy of LYDIA LEITH

From the cake to the carriage, no miniseries-perfect detail has been too tiny to be celebrated. Neither has there been a tchotchke too tacky to be sold. “Unbelievably, a little over $40 million is expected to be made from royal-related memorabilia, despite the monarchy being most unhappy over the shameless souvenirs on sale,” writes Time magazine.

To wit: There are regal rubbers from Crown Jewels, a London-based condom manufacturer, which describes itself as “the proud purveyor of an exclusive range of heritage love sheaths.” The subtle slogan on the purple box reads, “Like a Royal Wedding, intercourse with a loved one is an unforgettable occasion.”

Then there’s also nail polish. “Butter London is the first major beauty brand to exploit Prince William and Kate Middleton’s nuptials as a marketing opportunity, announcing that it will release a polish named after the soon-to-be princess,” reports The Independent. “The US-based label known for its toxin-free nail lacquers said that the polish would be called No More Waity, Katie after her not-so-flattering nickname in the British yellow press.”

‘Keep this handy on april 29, 2011’

Of course, one London art gallery has articulated its wedding weariness with a display of Kate-and-William sick bags, designed by British artist Lydia Leith. Screen printed with images of the happy couple in majestic purple and gold, the curious souvenirs carry the tag line, “Keep this handy on April 29, 2011.” Perhaps the £3 product is more suited to Prince Harry, who has been known to stumble out of nightclubs while not entirely sober. Incidentally, Nottingham’s Castle Rock Brewery has created a commemorative brew called “Kiss Me Kate,” to be released at the end of March.

And if you think those are excessive, there’s a free app that lets you count down the seconds until Prince William and Kate Middleton walk down the aisle. This, I imagine, is not meant for people with an economy of interest in the matter or have actual lives to live.

I lube you: Crown Jewels take royal protection to a whole new level.

Swooshing over with a xylophone glissando, the halo of hype around the impending union — which may be beamed in 3D, if Buckingham Palace agrees — appears inelegant against the backdrop of grimmer news: A looming nuclear crisis in Japan, an ongoing war in Libya and growing unrest in Ivory Coast. Fortunately, the space shuttle Endeavor’s final launch will also be broadcast on April 29. Both will have considerable star power and both will be considered historic events. Question is, which one will you be watching?

* * *

Find me at ginobambino.tumblr.com