Supremities: Charice's pyramid schemes

MANILA, Philippines - Last year’s Note To God was supposed to mark Charice’s entry into the international pop-cultural landscape, but Pyramid is shaping up to be the one that could finally break her in. A duet with Sean Kingston/Akon lovechild Iyaz, the single proves that the Pinay YouTube sensation is not above using Auto-Tune even if it shows exactly what hopping on the trend bandwagon two years late looks like.

Love it or hate it, the song is as catchy as the clap. That said, what is Charice singing about anyway? The video offers no clues and in fact muddles things up even more. (Why is Charice auditioning in an empty auditorium? Is the music video sponsored in part by FlipCam? Is she really 18? Like, really? And so on and so forth.)

To get to the bottom of this Sphinx-like mystery, Supreme knocked back a few shots of tequila and got cracking. As evidenced by the train of logic and deft Photoshop job you see here, boredom is indeed a beautiful thing.     

Theory #1: Like A Food Pyramid

Relevant lyrics: “And I just wanna carry on / We took it from the bottom up...”

Deeper meaning: Charice is apparently aware of the importance of whole grains and vegetables, dietary building blocks that rest near the base of this universal guide to healthy eating.

Odds that this is what she’s singing about: Low to medium. At least she made it known that she wants to see more fiber and less red meat in your meals.   

Theory #2: Like A Cheerleading Pyramid

Relevant lyrics: “It feels just like it’s heaven’s touch / Together at the top (at the top, baby)…”

Deeper meaning: Acting as a human cherry on top of a spandex-clad cake is no easy feat, but the rewards are worthwhile. Viewed through this prism, the song’s lesbian undertones suddenly rise to the surface.  

Odds that this is what she’s singing about: Medium to high. If you’re still not convinced, download the Dave Aude remix; it’s four minutes of cheese you and your Facebook friends can cheerdance to.  

Theory #3: Like An Egyptian Pyramid

Relevant lyrics: “Earthquakes can’t shake us / Cyclones can’t break us…”

Deeper meaning: Charice’s love for Iyaz is as strong as her skepticism about the 2012 apocalypse. Iyaz seconds her by pseudo-rapping “Mother Nature / A disaster / Won’t stop a happy ever after.”    

Odds that this is what she’s singing about: High. When apprehensive about the future, take it from Ate Charice: “Just kipp it going!”