Seconds before the world goes kaput, PHILIPPINES — a pickup truckload of my staunchest friends tripped up on laughing gas, cruising down the SC-TEX as a tsunami of flame strives to engulf us. Oh, and Daft Punk’s One More Time blasting from car speakers. As the earth takes its last breaths, I’d like to take mine in high-style, bespoke white suit (I’ve always wanted one of those) and all, realizing this dream doomsday scenario. I trust the sign-off broadcasts will grant enough of a head start to round everyone up for a fun-filled finale.
With all the End-is-Nigh Pressure bearing down upon us — news feeds baring endless world affliction with every scroll down my Google Reader — pondering how it all goes down doesn’t seem too rash at this point. As I type this up in my home base Starbucks, two pastors at a nearby table are sipping on Frappuccinos and chewing over “the imminent second coming.” Even the History Channel, cable chronicler of the human race, has made an extinction exhibition of said race through its new 10-part series, “Life After People.” Like a lengthy trailer of what’s supposedly “coming soon,” the series hypothesizes a CGI-suffused timeline of post-Armageddon: a week after, the family Shih Tzu’s a goner; in 20 years, Times Square becomes a sprawling garden; a century passes and the last DVD copy of Mariah Carey’s Glitter turns (thankfully) to dust. Earth will possibly be headed to animal kingdom come — ever-adapting big cats and monkeys lording it over — after our overall wipeout via Hollywood-presaged terminators like nuclear war or a pandemic. With the swine flu bidding adios to many a Mexican (and New Yorker), pigs might just prove to be the death of us all.
The ‘Like List’: Redux
Flying cars, for example — aren’t scientists still playing with magnetic fields so we can parallel park in mid-air? Hell, we’re still waiting on made-for-web movies and space tourism. If Brangelina decide to pioneer the icy Playa del Mars as the new St. Bart’s, then zero population is less likely, thanks to world-weary celebrities making babies in their low-gravity villas. And come on, no finito fate can befall us with Bo still scampering around the White House. That Portuguese water dog represents hope. When Barack kicks back at the end of the day, wondering where the love is and why he couldn’t have just become the black Tony Robbins, one lick from Bo stimulates an animated “Yes, we damn sure will.” (And no, I still haven’t gotten enough of that slogan.)
Along with the First Puppy, there are other signs of why life has just got to endure. These harbingers of humanity’s clinging for dear life have led me to put a twist on the “Like List.” And while the possibility of marijuana’s legalization or Ali Lohan straying from her family circus and becoming a nun may be bleak, the glimmers of hope below tell us we’ve still got a lot of time before time is up for us. So say it with me now: To 2013 and beyond!
Child’s Play ‘n’ Payday: With genetic enhancement, we could be welcoming a new generation of premium Gattaca babies pretty soon. Then again, today’s kids are already doing the darnedest things. A six-year-old composer (Emily Bear), a published “relationship expert” at nine (Alec Greven), a 12-year-old food critic who gives Alan Richman a run for his comp-ed meals (David Fishman); that our toddlers and tweens are getting harder, better, faster, and more self-aware only gives us hope for the future. And though 11-year-old Elle Fanning is more precocious than prodigy, helping Stephen Dorff resurrect his career in Sofia Coppola’s next project, Somewhere (2010), is pretty darn masterful.
Puppy power: As I mentioned above, puppies can be hope for the world. Since scientists cloned a beagle, sprinkling some genetic info from sea anemones, what’s pawed itself out is a much brighter — and cuter — hope for everyone: the first glow pup! Okay, so it’s more a transgenic (cloning with other genes blended in) step forward for human disease testing. I wonder, though; if we add a little Chris Rock to some Serbian Mountain Hound, maybe we can get something close to Triumph, the Insult Dog. Talk about family fun for everyone.
Most unlikely to: The syrupy vocal surprise the world got out of 47-year-old dumpy and dowdy stowaway Susan Boyle could bring our days of prejudgment to an end. Boyle’s Law decrees that a woman with a prominent double chin and yeti brows — simply, Albert Finney with a bedraggled wig — can be appealing. And while, today, “ugly” can be appreciated, the first transgender mayor (Oregon’s 60-year-old Stu Rasmussen) is like a firm “no” to dehumanization — and an affirmation of our persisting humanity.
2012, Coming Soon: Think of this Roland Emmerich-directed flick (Independence Day or The Day After Tomorrow ring a bell?) as reverse psychology on the fates governing earth’s obliteration. A bit anti-climactic, even with a trailer eliciting thrills from a tidal spill over what looks like the Himalayas. With Danny Glover, Woody Harrelson, and John Cusack in the mix, we can sure take the end of days a lot less seriously. (Prepare for the CGI-flooding of screens this November.)