Why you should not vote for me as president of the Philippines

People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. — Will Rogers              

As a law-abiding and dutiful tax-paying citizen of the Philippines, I wish to lodge a protest at the office of the upright and sensible former Philippine STAR columnist, former FEU law school dean and now Comelec Chairman Andy Bautista: there are now way too many nuisance candidates with the temerity and sheer craziness to run for president. Please ban them!

By the way, I also empathically warn you dear readers to not — I repeat — DO NOT vote for me as president of the Philippines in 2016, because of the reasons listed below:

I do not believe in democracy. No way, Jose, but I do believe in iron-fist strong-man rule and meritocracy!

I promise to ban ALL political jokes from running for public office, including many of our existing so-called “leaders”!

I promise to outlaw inane singing and dancing in election campaigns by politicos, because I consider these a more obscene example of cultural pollution than the Playgirls’ sexy dancing.

I promise to declare the balimbing the national fruit of the Philippines.

I promise to rename the world’s worst airport after the parents of my political foes!

I promise to make Yaya Dub and Alden Richards into National Artists, and I promise to appoint the grouchy straight-talking Lola Nidora as the new Justice Secretary.

I promise to make pandesal our national bread, sinigang the national soup and politicking the national sport, which I will lobby to become an Olympic sport!

I will make laziness, stupidity and absentism in public office into non-bailable crimes!

I will ban most billboards from our highways and conscript government officials with pot-belly stomachs to physically plant trees along all our thoroughfares!

I promise to slash individual and corporate income tax rates, and I will also impose a ban on non-taxpayers from becoming voters in elections.

I promise to declare martial law on EDSA and other highways, and impose draconian traffic discipline with the use of the Armed Forces of the Philippines (AFP) and marines!

I will require all election candidates to undergo (and pass) psychiatric exams.

I will legalize the use of marijuana for medical purposes, but ban cigarettes, junk foods and chewing gum throughout the Philippines!

I will ban and bulldoze all informal settlements or squatter slums in our cities.

I promise to outdo Duterte and Ping Lacson with a shoot-to-kill policy against heinous crime offenders like drug dealers, kidnappers and terrorists. I promise to uphold the primordial human rights of the silent majority citizens, not those of crooks!

I will ban rickety old cars, buses, trucks, ships and other vehicles nationwide.

I will heavily tax inheritance of wealth and assets, because I prefer to encourage self-made entrepreneurial fortunes, more socio-economic dynamism and more philanthropy.

I will rewrite history books to recognize Andres Bonifacio as the first president of the Philippines, Emilio Aguinaldo as the second president, Katipunero rebel chief Macario Sakay as the third president of the country, to correct the history dictated by our colonial masters. I will also fight for the rights of the neglected “Comfort Women” and posthumously prosecute top World War II collaborators with the Japanese invaders!

I dislike palaces, so I will lease out the President’s Malacañang Palace to SM, Megaworld, Filinvest, Ayala or Robinson Land for a heritage-themed mall. I will also lease out the Vice President’s Coconut Palace. In contrast, I promise to live in a nipa hut, similar to that of hero Apolinario Mabini and also Vietnam’s Ho Chi Minh.

I promise to require all top leaders, especially the Secretary of the Department of Transportation and Communications (DOTC), to ride the MRT or LRT every day!

I will reimpose the death penalty, implementing it live on national TV every week.

I will legislate a “New Filipino Time” and harshly penalize all undisciplined public officials who arrive at government meetings or state functions even one minute late!

I am not a politician and not a hypocrite, therefore I will raise my monthly salary to higher than the monthly pay of the CEOs of the Philippines’ top 10 biggest corporations, so I won’t need to get regular jueteng gambling pay-offs, nor need to accept luxury car gifts and temptations of graft.

Herbert Hoover in 1928 promised “a chicken in every pot” (and a car in every garage) for the US; I promise pandesal bread for all families at every breakfast on condition that all healthy adults of working age in each recipient family seeks (and finds) gainful employment!

I promise to abolish Congress — the unwieldy and inefficient bicameral chambers of the Senate and the House of Representatives — so that we can establish a new unicameral parliament under a progressive parliamentary political system.

I promise to uphold an independent foreign policy guided only by what is beneficial to our national interests, and not allow the Philippines to become a pawn in silly superpower rivalries. We shall be beholden to no powers, be a friend to all, foe to none!

I promise to ban mediocre and crooked political dynasties, but I will encourage competent political dynasties to flourish — even if it requires creating my own!

I promise to ban long speeches, limiting public officials’ speeches to only 20 minutes!

I promise to ban all slapstick humor on TV or in Congress, without any exceptions.

I promise to ban and to stop all political promises. Promise!

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