After two suicide attempts, Hayden Kho finds meaning in newfound spirituality

(No) matter what a waste one has made of one’s life, it is ever possible to find some path to redemption...— Charles Frazier, Cold Mountain

I am living with pain, shame and guilt, what meaning can I find in life?” Hayden Kho Jr. tearfully uttered these words as the first person to ask a question at an open forum held by Atlanta-based Christian philosopher Dr. Ravi Zacharias, who spoke on “Humanity’s Search for Meaning” in June last year at a dinner in Edsa Shangri-La Hotel. It was attended by business people and professionals including a Cabinet secretary as well as several tycoons.

Dr. Ravi Zacharias told The Philippine Star during a luncheon last Monday hosted by Hayden in Vicki Belo’s home: “I didn’t know him. After Hayden Kho asked that question, I looked at this pretty good-looking guy and said to him: ‘You look like a guy made for the movies, then you’re looking for meaning, that which even wealth, fame and success cannot bring...’ We met later that night, we prayed together. Hayden had tears running down his face; he had a broken heart, and many, many regrets.”

Dr. Ravi recounted: “I invited Hayden to travel with my team in my speaking engagements from July 2013 to February this year — Singapore, Malaysia, Indonesia, India, Arizona, Los Angeles. He’d cry through many of the meetings, expressing his troubles and his sense of disappointment in himself. God is the only one big enough to change a person’s heart… Hayden has become like a son in Christ.”

Dr. Ravi continued: “Wild oats were sown, there are shattered, broken lives, but God is now changing Hayden’s heart. God took this man’s life, battles will always rage, but let us pray and support him so that God will let him keep moving in that direction. We celebrate a birthday, but it is more than physical, we’re celebrating Hayden’s spiritual birthday. This is a biography which is only halfway. We’ll do our part in praying for him.”

Kho tearfully marked his May 20 birthday celebration at the ballroom of Marco Polo Hotel in Ortigas Center, Pasig City with cocktails for 400 guests comprised mostly of entertainment and media celebrities, business people and many officials and members of his church, the Christ’s Commission Fellowship (CCF). Hayden Kho’s special guests Ravi Zacharias and Hollywood actor Stephen Baldwin delivered their Christian testimonies. Hayden later gave his own speech.

Coming from a controversial family of actor brothers, Baldwin is now a Christian evangelist. He said: “It’s just fascinating to me that something’s happening in Hayden’s heart… He wants to share that which is in his heart, that greatest gift he has received.”

Hayden Kho Jr. — the controversial doctor, corporate marketing executive, perfume entrepreneur, part-time actor, model and main protagonist in the 2009 sex video scandal — talks about his journey towards spirituality.

Philippine Star: Happy birthday. How old are you?

Hayden Kho Jr.: Today is the sixth anniversary of my 28th birthday (chuckles). It’s just a joke, because I feel that I’m forever 28 years old. I’m now 34.

Why have you marked your birthday tonight with such a unique event of Christian speeches and music numbers?

I came from the entertainment world, it’s a really, really dark world, people fall. I want to light some lamps. There are skeptics. Recently I was debating with seven of my friends, then I felt frustrated, so I emailed Dr. Ravi. The next day he called up and said, “I’ll go to the Philippines and talk to your seven friends.” My original plan was to have a private dinner with friends, by invitation only.

Ravi Zazharias told me about your first encounter last year. You were then lost and unhappy long after the 2009 sex video scandal?

Yes, when I first met Dr. Ravi, I had just come from seven years of struggling with drugs. I was sober for about two months, but I was also taking drugs again and going down that path. I was then invited by Ever Bilena’s Dioceldo Sy to listen to this Indian evangelist that night in June at Edsa Shangri-La.

I knew him, I had read his book Has Christianity Failed You? So I got there. Dr. Ravi didn’t know he was going to be making a speech, then there was a question-and-answer forum. I asked the first question that turned into a confession. After that I followed him in his speaking engagements in different countries for months.

You were into drugs for seven years?

It was seven years, I was on and off drugs. It was a painful struggle. Ultimately it wasn’t a struggle against drugs, but a struggle for meaning and purpose which I believe everyone is struggling with too but we’re just not vocal about.

You just quit whatever you were doing and followed him?

Hayden Kho with Christian apologist Dr. Ravi Zacharias, Hollywood actor-turned-evangelist Stephen Baldwin and steady friend Dr. Vicki Belo Photos by MILLET MANANQUIL

I was doing a movie then, I left that. I also left ZO Skin Health Philippines. Yes, I started following Dr. Ravi. We went to Singapore, then I followed him to Indonesia, then we went to India and other places. I listened. We talked. I have so many questions. We talked during breakfast and also during dinners.

Has your newfound spirituality now totally changed the Hayden Kho that the world knew before?

I know I am not yet the man I want to be, but I am thankful I am no longer the man I used to be.

You recited William Shakespeare’s “Sonnet 29” tonight. You memorized it long ago?

Is William Shakespeare a Christian poet? Yes, I memorized his “Sonnet 29” when I was young and it expresses so well my feelings:

“When, in disgrace with fortune and men’s eyes,

I all alone beweep my outcast state,

And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries,

And look upon myself, and curse my fate,

Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,

Featur’d like him, like him with friends possess’d,

Desiring this man’s art and that man’s scope,

With what I most enjoy contented least;

Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,

Haply I think on thee, and then my state,

Like to the lark at break of day arising

From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven’s gate;

For thy sweet love remember’d such wealth brings

That then I scorn to change my state with kings.”

What was the most painful part of your past crises?

Being abandoned by my friends, that was the worst. Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. said what I felt at that time: “In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” That was the most hurtful for me… That led me to suicide.

When was this suicide attempt?

I tried to kill myself twice, in 2008, and in 2009.

You’re now totally quitting showbiz and work in the corporate world?

I’m on a sabbatical for a year, this whole 2014. I am rebuilding my foundations, and building it... this time I hope to build it right.

What are your plans now?

I don’t know what God’s plan for me is, but my prayer is that He prepares me for what He has prepared for me.

I heard you’re leaving to study in England?

After a series of events from May 28, I will leave on June 7 for Oxford where I will be studying Christian apologetics. I will study for five or six weeks. It’s a special school on Christian apologetics for busy people.

After your studies, perhaps you shall decide your future plans then?

No, it’s not me, it will be God who will decide what He wants to do.

How are your parents reacting to these changes in your life now?

My mom is afraid, she’s very Catholic. She probably doesn’t understand. My father, I’m not sure what he feels about it.

You and Dr. Vicki Belo just went on a Christian tour of Israel, has she also become more religious like you?

I think the Lord has also worked for Vicki, but we have different paths and we’re running at different paces.

If both you and Vicki have become Christians, isn’t it logical for both of you to next consider a Christian wedding for a future normal family life?

Well, let’s see. I don’t know if that’s the path for us. We’re no longer romantically together, so I’m not thinking of that.

Vicki recently told me that she thinks she cannot give you what you’re looking for in a future wife. Do you see a possible future wedding in church?

These are really hard questions.

Have you already replaced Vicki in your heart or are you dating another person?

No replacements, no. I really like Vicki.

Your coming out in public now with your Christian faith, it’s like you’re becoming a celebrity endorser of this new way of life?

My testimony can be an endorsement of what Jesus Christ can do in a life like mine.

What are your hopes now? What do you pray to God about?

In my prayers to God every day, I don’t ask for anything material anymore. I pray to the Lord: “Let me see your face. Let me hear your voice every day, you know what is good for me.”

Are you happy now?

Happy is an understatement. Happiness is based on happenings, what I have now is joy.

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