Can we junk the Cybercrime Law (or make it more fun)?

Books won’t stay banned. They won’t burn. Ideas won’t go to jail.  In the long run of history, the censor and the inquisitor have always lost.  The only weapon against bad ideas is better ideas. — Alfred Whitney Griswold, New York Times, Feb. 24, 1959

We can never be sure that the opinion we are endeavoring to stifle is a false opinion; and if we were sure, stifling it would be an evil still.  — John Stuart Mill, 1859

I believe it is the height of silliness and a crime to pass the Cybercrime Law in its present defective form and with such undue haste. Why didn’t the Supreme Court strike down this Cybercrime Law as a piece of flawed and shoddy legislation?

Why this anti-democracy setback just a few days before the government is set to commemorate the 1986 People Power military-backed civilian uprising? Why not prioritize pushing the passage of the Freedom of Information (FOI) bill instead?

True, despicable cyber-crimes like hacking, cracking, identity theft and others cost the world over $300 billion a year and should be stopped by law. However, why did our politicos allow Senator Vicente “Tito” Sotto III to insert the controversial and wrongly-worded online libel provision, which smacks of outright censorship and a curtailment of we the citizens’ inalienable right to freedom of expression?

Ironically, Tito Sotto’s grandfather and namesake, the late Senator Vicente Sotto Sr. of Cebu, was author of the 1946 Press Freedom Law; he was also a fearless journalist jailed by the US military regime for his anti-colonial newspaper articles. 

Paul Tassi wrote in Forbes magazine: “The way the law (The Philippines’ Cybercrime Law) is worded, the Filipino police could actually charge you with simply criticizing them or the government in a way they deem ‘malicious,’ a word very much open to interpretation… Once again we see a mix of ignorance of technology and the desire to exert further control over a population. Neither is pretty, and neither has any place in a good government.”

To our leaders and legislators, don’t suppress online freedom of expression in defiance of the irreversible tide of democracy and please take heed of the words of James A. Garfield: “The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable.”

If our politicos are in an intellectual or legal quandary how to rectify the impaired nature of this Cybercrime Law, can I humbly offer my voluntary and free services to ghost-write a few additional provisions to spice up and make more fun this abominable, dour law? Can these new proposed provisions — not in any order of importance or priority — be added, and that odious online libel item just be junked?

Thou shall not butcher language (whether English, Tagalog or Taglish)! Nobody among us is flawless in grammar, but at least I try my best not to mindlessly torture or trash the English language like the way not a few people do so online. Whether for online posts or for competing in beauty pageants, if you’re not proficient in English, by all means use Tagalog or even Taglish, but please use the lingua franca of your choice properly.

My proposed penalty for this cybercrime is one year forced re-education in English grammar under Senator Miriam Defensor Santiago!

Spamming. I was aghast that the venerable justices of the Supreme Court had inexplicably struck down the punishment against “unsolicited commercial communications” as provided in section 4-c-3 — or the “transmission of commercial electronic communication with the use of computer systems which seek to advertise, sell, or offer for sale products and services.” Why?

My proposed penalty? Two years of CCTV-monitored house arrest with absolutely no WiFi, no Internet, no social media and no smartphone!

Sending fake Internet letters. Who are these crooks who keep attempting to hoodwink us by emailing fake letters or even using hacked email accounts to invent crazy tales in order to convince us to send them money?

Beware of email senders who concoct tales that your friend or acquaintance had been robbed on a foreign trip and badly needs us to remit cash to pay off their hotel bills. I once replied by asking where the hotel is so I could wire money to that hotel or that I had a friend in that city and he wished to personally give him or her the cash.

Some nefarious loonies email that I’ve won a zillion dollars in a raffle or that they are from an African nation with a stash of money in escrow or a frozen account that can only be unlocked with my cash help, etc., etc., ad infinitum.

My proposed penalty for these online fakes? Three years in prison with hard labor of wood carving Pinocchio dolls with long liars’ noses!

Too many uninteresting selfies! It’s okay for people to keep posting selfies or self-photographed images, but not okay to flood Instagram, Twitter, Facebook and the Internet with too much of your own image, like 50 photos of your new makeup, fingernail polish or your new hairdo. 

The few exceptions to this excess vanity cybercrime provision include such world-class beauties as the Cannes Film Festival’s youngest ever person to sit on the jury and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon actress Zhang Ziyi, Spanish actress Penelope Cruz, Israeli supermodel Bar Rafaeli, Hollywood actress Megan Fox, Marian Rivera, Angel Locsin and Anne Curtis!

Proposed penalty? Three years in prison without access to any mirror! 

Overly squeamish emotional posts. Examples of overly emotional, O.A. and squeamish posts include public expressions of heartaches or pseudo-suicidal outbursts due to romantic meltdowns, frustrations, sheer boredom, etc. I recommend that you seek psychological counselling with professionals, loved ones, the clergy or even specialized medical practitioners pronto! Or go buy yourself a pet dog!

Proposed penalty? One year of community service planting vegetables and trees, and also talking to the vegetables and trees!

Posting lies, untruths and half-truths online. Why is this crime my top priority? It’s because aspiring professional liars pose grave threats to and are shameless direct competitors of many politicians!

Penalty? One year of community service by feeding pigs at the pigsty and slow roasting pigs into lechon, these punishments inspired by the pork barrel!

Last but not the least of suggested crimes to penalize, writing outrageously screwball and irreverent jokes similar to this column!

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