27 habits that get you unfriended

Hell hath no fury like a follower blocked. In the age of social media, we all live double lives: the “good life,” where we do nothing but travel, have all the time in the world to compose an outfit and take an OOTD, are never too lazy to exercise and get rewarded with free cronuts; and real life, where we hang our laundry inside our apartments, take out the trash, get stranded in rain-induced traffic sans cinematic filter, and deal with unattractive things like mortgages and ingrown hair. It’s a complicated age that comes with a whole new set of priorities, feelings and friends. Some of these friends post photos of puppies and fluffy kittens, some chronicle in time-lapse the development of their abs, some spam you with Diamond Dash requests, and some share in great detail the contents of their lunch plate. All is good in the world.

Bad days in real life, though, inevitably cross over to our virtual realities. When slightly annoyed, some resort to “vaguebooking,” as in posting a status that is intentionally unclear, sometimes to just let it out, other times to annoy in return. Others compose entire To Whom It May Concern letters that list their grievances; common causes of which are road construction in the middle of the rainy season, bad service at commercial establishments, delayed flights and PMS. Comment threads are not exempt. Absentmindedly post a spoiler and feel the wrath of the multitude that didn’t get to watch the super exclusive pre-premier premier.

Social media places human behavior under a microscope. It’s like we’re all on The Truman Show (and with our phone cameras constantly in our faces, we might as well be) and man, do we know it. This is where #artistatweets come from. You know how they go: “Good morning! Going to the gym after brekkie. Sunday funday!” Who says “brekkie,” anyway? We are all stars in the soap opera in our heads, and in these soaps, some of us are Australian, apparently. Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, mainly, are our link to our “fans.” Only, they’re not really fans. Not all of them, at least. Some desperately want to erase you from their feed permanently. Others just hide you, hoping you won’t notice how you don’t “like” them anymore.

Social media can make you lose faith in humanity (I mean, really? 158 people like Rice? That’s all the love Rice gets?), but it also presents an opportunity to develop a new talent –– being Internet-lovable. So you’ve gained followers by a) posting half-naked selfies disguised as gym OOTDs, b) being always, always the first one to break the news about anything, c) being an expert on a certain subject, be that makeup, basketball, or developing thigh-gaps, or d) just being popular like you’ve always been. Making friends is easy, it’s keeping them — trying to not be annoying — that’s hard. So here are 27 things that get you unfriended. You say you don’t care, but admit it: losing a friend? That’s a little cray.

1. Posting too often about nothing. It’s when you overuse the new “What are you doing?” bar on Facebook and share every feeling that your brain transmits. Are you feeling bloated? Hungry? Sexy? Thanks for the info. Your friends are officially — Feeling Annoyed. (Insert grumpy emoticon.)

2. You’re a snob in real life. So you and this person have been Facebook friends since that girl “slept on Sean Parker,” but when you see her at a social function, you ignore her completely. So much for being “friends.”

3. You date and dump. The more people you friendzone — especially people you aren’t long-time friends with, the more friends you drop. It’s not you, it’s them. They don’t like you anymore.

4. Internet You is more interesting than Real You. People we Internet-know can lead quite fascinating, exciting lives — until you meet them and realize… filters!

5. You like all your teenage relative’s posts… and you’re not the cool aunt. Your niece posts a photo of a beer bucket, you like it. Your nephew posts a picture of his abs, you like it. His status says, “Feeling depressed.” And you like it.

6. You are a sad sack. Your every tweet or status sucks the joy right out of the pandas and koalas of the web, or even Optimistic Dory herself. The Internet is a happy place. Leave your issues at the log-in page.

7. You hate everything. Someone posts a video of U2’s Stuck in a Moment, and you comment that it’s all been downhill for the band since “Joshua Tree.” Someone posts a photo of a choco-peanut butter cronut, and you comment about calories and blood sugar. Unfriend. Unfriend. Unfriend.

8. Your photos are always blurry. Sometimes the quality of a photo can make up for the meh-ness of its subject. Hold your elbows against your torso to keep your hands steady and don’t forget to half-press!

9. You can’t compose a humblebrag to save your life. “Getting fat, now a size 2” is not a humblebrag. It’s a stab in the lovehandles of people clicking “refresh” on their Twitter feeds with their right hand, while holding a can of Pringles with their left.

10. You don’t curate your likes. While this doesn’t justify being unfriended, it makes your friends question your taste (Does she really like everything?) or your motives (Why does she like everything?) Like real-life friendships, Internet-friendships are bound by trust. Or so they say.

11. You’re a “like” Scrooge. “Another photo of her dog? Bah! Humbug!” If you can’t bring yourself to like a photo of your friend’s dog, even if it’ll make your friend happy, you’re not a very good friend. Likes for likes, that’s how it works.

12. Nobody understands you. Your Instagram feed is so hipster, even hipsters don’t know what you are talking about. Secret gigs, unpublished manuscripts, songs never before sung at any karaoke joint ever before, all these alienate your followers.

13. You’re a bot. Here’s what’s on your homepage: Posters of events you’re involved in, promotional tweets, companies you’ve liked, retweets of everything related to you or your work… all devoid of emotion or humor.

14. You ignore someone’s birthday greeting. On your birthday, Facebook can actually make you feel like all of your 736 friends know you. Ignore one of them and you’re the ungrateful Internet-friend whose birthday fame’s gotten to her head — even if you did write an omnibus status thanking everybody. #artistatweets

15.  You dis the platform. “Facebook’s new layout sucks!” “Twitter takes forever to load!” “Instagram is getting boring by the day.” So, um, why are you still on them?

16. You never post anything new. Every day is Throwback Thursday for you, which, unless you’re a posthumous fan page, is a little weird. Post new things, even if it means taking pictures of your food.

17. Your profile description sets expectations a little too high. “I’m a writer, a traveler, a lover, a fighter, a reader, a Belieber. I am a unicorn.” You can’t say you’re a unicorn and not be a magical creature. Life has enough letdowns.

18. You say things like “Sunday Funday.” Some people read “Sunday Funday” and can’t help but roll their eyes. Some people read “Sunday Funday” and use it the following week. Pray your friends are the latter.

19. You tweet too much. Sometimes it pays to be dormant. People follow you and forget they follow you, until you tweet again and they’re like, “OMG I’ve missed you so much!” Absence makes followers grow fonder.

20. Your bad grammar gives them a headache. The Internet does not demand flawless grammar, but it is a channel of communication, so how you compose your message is important.

21. You’re too perfect. And this makes your friends feel bad about themselves. You have a tiny waist, a handsome boyfriend, are never too lazy to go to the gym, have a balance of go, grow and glow food in your diet, and you never have a bad hair day. Say it with me: Ugh!

22. You don’t post often enough. Such is the case with Instagram — your feed doesn’t show posts of everyone you follow, only of the ones you’ve recently interacted with, or whose pages you check. So there’s no point in following so many people — and we all know what the acceptable Following to Followers ratio is.

23.  You’re posts are NSFW. I had a Facebook friend whose cover photo was a shot of himself lying on a bed in his tighty whities. Imagine opening FB at work and seeing all his likes on your feed — then your computer “hangs” and won’t force-quit….

24. You repost without permission. Sure, Facebook has declared its rights over all your photos, but this doesn’t mean you can just post photos from someone else’s page and pass them off as your own. Old Testament rules apply!

25. Your last post was in 2011, and it was (Name) joined Facebook. Death in absentia happens. When one of your friends get the urge to declutter her online life, expect to be trashed.

26. You are creepy. You comment on a photo your friend posted in 2010 — and it’s not Throwback Thursday. Sometimes this is flattering, sometimes it’s cause for alarm. It depends on your profile pic, really.

27. You post a status about unfriending someone. When you throw stones at a population as big as the Internet’s, you’re bound to hit a friend on the head. This also highlights your own social media shortcomings. Can you honestly say you’ve never done any of the above? One rule applies to all realms: You get what you give. Happy posting!