27 tips to foreigners visiting the Philippines

We’ve all been there: touching down in a new place, trying to get to know the people. Being a stranger in a strange land can be a mind-blowing experience. Here are some ways to make your adjustment to Manila a bit smoother.

1. Don’t ask taxi drivers to take you to “the Gates of Hell.” (They will charge you extra.)

2. Don’t sing My Way in karaoke joints unless you’re confident of your Sinatra-level pipes or have armed bodyguards in your entourage.

3. Don’t use “Filipino time” as an excuse for being late, because P-Noy has declared that it doesn’t exist anymore. (Yeah, right.)

4. Don’t complain about traffic the first day unless you drive here yourself. (This makes people who do live and drive here every day very irritable behind the wheel.)

5. Don’t expect to change things your first day here. The Spanish tried for 300 years, the Americans tried for 50; it never works. Filipinos embrace what they like from other cultures and ignore the rest — such as unsolicited advice.

6. Don’t just nod and say “Oo” to everything to blend in. (You could be agreeing that your head looks like a lechon’s pwet.)

7. Don’t point with your lips unless your lips are strong enough to make your point.

8. Don’t mistake “maybe” for “yes.” “Maybe” is just a polite way of saying “no.”

9. Don’t get lost. Local mayors are fond of changing the names of streets roughly every three months, just to mess with you. You may want to consider leaving a trail of breadcrumbs when you head out of your subdivision.

10. Don’t go to Boracay (as a certain LA Times writer did recently) and expect it to be a solitary retreat, far, far away from human contact and loud noise. That’s just bad research.

11. Don’t expect to tune in to the NHL Stanley Cup series on any local cable station. (Filipinos don’t do hockey. Though you may catch some games in a sports bar here or there in Manila.)

12. Don’t be annoyed when businesses shut down from noon to 1:30 p.m. It’s the siesta habit, inherited from the Spanish. Usually it makes people cheerier when they awake from their mid-day slumber.

13. Don’t be surprised by the arrival of Christmas carols in your local malls by September 1; you’re not experiencing auditory hallucinations, it’s just the Filipino way of celebrating the season for as long as humanly possible.

14. Don’t be misled, when put on hold by an operator, by the words “For a while…” She’s not about to tell you a long story about her bunion condition; she’s just asking you to wait until she finds somebody more helpful.

15. Don’t be shocked by the sight of guards carrying Uzis and AK47s outside McDonald’s and KFC. They’re just there to protect the McNuggets and coleslaw.

16. Don’t do a double-take at all the Filipinos trying to get into the Guinness Book of World Records. Whether it’s gathering the most people for a group kiss, displaying the “longest longanissa,” the “longest bunting” or the “biggest hairdo,” Filipinos are always proud to come in first. It doesn’t really matter what for.

17. Don’t be confused by Filipinized terms such as “salvage” (to brutally murder), “chop-chop” (to brutally murder with a bolo), “cha-cha” (short for Charter change) or “swardspeak” (gay lingo). And don’t reach for the red correcting pen; people just like playing around with language here.

18. Do try every Filipino dish that is presented to you, including balut and dinaguan. Live by Nietzsche’s dictum: “That which doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.”

19. Do get a driver’s license if you plan to stay awhile. It will help you avoid unpleasant encounters with traffic enforcers seeking donations to the Policeman’s Benevolent Fund. Sometimes being a foreigner helps in this situation, sometimes it hurts. Try the “Jedi Mind Trick”: when pulled over, wave your hand and say: “You don’t need to take away my license… I’m free to go.”

20. Do tune into local programming, such as noontime shows, for a throwback to the days when television was mindless, tasteless and politically incorrect (often all at the same time).

21. Do expect to get waylaid for half an hour if you agree to take a group photo of Filipinos. You will suddenly notice a dozen cameras dangling from your arms or gathered by your feet. You will be expected to click each and every one of them.

22. Do get used to the fact that shopping is an Olympic sport here in the Philippines. Women, especially, train like triathletes for visits to the mall. Try to keep up.

23. Do be advised that “Guest Relations Officer” is not a government title; it’s the job description of a hostess at a girlie bar.

24. Do get used to the idea of having six or seven meals a day, and discussing your next meal whenever you sit down to enjoy the meal in front of you; think of it as astral projection of the taste buds.

25. Do take advantage of the wide world of alternative spectator sports in the Philippines, such as midget boxing and spider fighting. These score extra points for inventiveness.

26. Do visit locations outside Manila. Other parts of the country put the craziness of the metro in perspective.

27. Do learn to be entertained: the Michael Jackson-dancing prisoners, the bossanova-singing presidents, the funny nicknames inspired by snacks and food (i.e., Cherry Pie, Twinky, Apples, DingDong) — it’s all part of the extravaganza of life in the Philippines. Entertainment is one of the perks. Just ask any Filipino.