How can I find love?

Dear Nanay,

Sometimes, I can’t help but feel jealous every time I see teenagers like me who already have their special someone.

I am in college and 18 years old and of course I see a lot of them. Sometimes I just feel out-of-place because I want to experience that kind of feeling, too. I know studies should always come first, and yes, I never let this slip my mind. I was just wondering why, while I have solved a lot of math problems, and been to lots of quiz bees, for me love has always been the hardest unsolvable equation.

What’s wrong with me? How bad am I? How awful do I look? Is it because I’m not a flirt? Is it because I’m the study-type girl? I’m starting to doubt myself. Is being unique bad?

A friend of mine told me this: Kaya ka hindi napapansin kasi, ayaw mong mag-bestida lagi kang naka-pantalon at naka-shorts. Kasi yang mga gamit mo eh tingnan mo naman yang kulay ng bag mo: blue. Hindi yan nakakatawag-pansin sa mga guys. Mag-leggings ka. (Guys don’t notice you because you don’t wear dresses, you’re always in pants. That doesn’t catch their attention. Wear leggings.)

Well, okay I know I have a slightly unfeminine side to me, but Nanay that’s really who I am. That’s how I live my life. Now if what they’re saying is true, then why do film directors bother to show Bakekang or Ugly Betty or Taba Tina if it’s not physical looks that matter?

Whenever I have a crush on someone, it’s hard for me to admit it. I don’t make the first move because, for me, that would be showing him that I’m malandi (flirt) or the so-called pakitang motibo and I am not like that. So I see him every day, talk to him and this makes my day happy.

I wrote about this because I don’t know how long will I stay alone just because I am simple. Yes, I am happy with my life — good friends and good performance in school. But I just wonder, when will someone notice me? Yes, there are lots of fish in the sea, but what if there aren’t any left for me? I don’t know if my simplicity is the bad formula in the equation.

Please, Nanay, I need your advice. Please don’t mention about studies because I already know how important that is. I just need advice on what should I do about myself?

Ugly Betty

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Dear Ugly Betty,

First of all, much as we might hate to admit it, looks do count. You cannot pretend that it does not. Ganyan lang talaga tayong mga tao (That’s how we are). When you see a guy who you want to go out with, do his looks matter to you? Of course they do! Don’t you want to go out with a cute guy also?  However, for having a long-term and meaningful relationship or for marriage, I think it might be a different story. In those cases, I think looks matter a lot less because things like personality, principles, compatibility and intelligence become far more important. Looks are not everything, but I will be the first to tell you that it can certainly help “get your foot in the door.”

Second, there is nothing wrong with being the “smart girl.”  I am almost 90 years old … believe me … in the end, you will be thankful that you are smart and hardworking. Looks fade very, very quickly. Intelligence and a good work ethic do not.

Lastly, you have to be you. Hindi puwede yung palagi ka na lang nagkukunwari ( You can’t always pretend to be someone else). If you pretend to be someone you are not, eventually either the person will see through the façade or you will just get so tired of pretending that you will also quit. Be yourself. You will never be happy unless you are being yourself because that is the only way you will be comfortable. Besides, anyone who likes you only because of your outward appearance or because of a false identity you created is really not worth it.  You have to find someone who will love you for who you are –– flaws and all.

And no, you will never run out of fish in the ocean. However, the challenge is to find the right fish. That might be a little more difficult. But it is not impossible. It just takes a little patience and a realization that it will come in due time.

Sincerely,

Nanay

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