Will a relationship distract my daughter from her studies?

Dear Nanay,

I am sure you have been asked this question before and I am sure I am not the only parent who has this problem. But I don’t like my daughter’s current boyfriend. I don’t think he is a bad person. I guess he’s all right, all things considered. I just don’t think he is a good influence on my daughter because he is distracting her from her schoolwork. She is in the running to become valedictorian of her class and I am afraid that this “extracurricular” activity will distract her from her studies and cause her to miss becoming the valedictorian. I don’t have anything against her having a boyfriend as long as it does not detract from her studies.  

Nervous Mother

Dear Nanay,

What do you do about kids (boys or girls) who have boyfriends and girlfriends who the parents do not approve of because of whatever reason? This is the problem with many of my nieces, nephews and inaanaks (godchildren) that their parents do not like their boyfriends and girlfriends. They always ask me what they should do and I always say, “What can you do? They are kids. Weren’t we like that also at one time in our lives?”JBR                           

Dear Nervous Mother and JBR,

Having a boyfriend or girlfriend especially in high school is perfectly normal and as JBR makes clear, in many instances, unavoidable. Both your questions center around the fact that many parents disapprove of their kids’ boyfriend or girlfriend. What can they do about it? Is there really anything they can do about it? Should they even try to do anything? I guess that depends on why you are against the relationship. Is it the boyfriend/girlfriend that is the problem? Or is it the fact of having the relationship that is the problem?

For Nervous Mother, I can understand your apprehension. But just from your letter, it does not seem like you have anything against your daughter’s boyfriend as an individual. It is more the fact that you are against her having a boyfriend at all, regardless of who the boy is. Of course you have a legitimate reason why you are against her having a relationship: because you are afraid that her grades my fall. But somehow, I do not think your daughter will agree with you especially because you only have “a fear.” Wala pang masamang nangyayari. Natatakot ka lang. You can always say, “Why wait till it actually happens when you can prevent it?” but again, I don’t think your daughter will agree with you. I’m sure she will say, “Nothing will happen! I promise!”

Maybe you should make a deal with her. Tell her you have nothing against her having a boyfriend and in fact that you have nothing against this guy. And that you promise you will not interfere as long as she keeps her grades up. However, in return, if there is any slip, then she will have to break up (not an easy thing to do) or limit their time together (another not-so-easy thing to do). In your case, it might just be a case of compromising with your daughter and finding a way to balance her time.

In the case of JBR, it is in a way the reverse of Nervous Mother’s situation. The parent does not really have a problem with the children having relationships in general but they do not approve of the person their children are seeing.

Perhaps the first question they should ask is if they are really against this person specifically or if they are against any person who their kids have a relationship with. For some parents, I am sure the difference between the two situations may not be so clear. And the parents need to know exactly how they feel so that they can deal appropriately with the situation. If they are against the specific person, then theoretically a change in the boyfriend or girlfriend should solve the problem. If they are against having any relationship at all, then no boy or girl will ever satisfy them as parents.

The difficult part is regardless of which situation a parent encounters, I do not really know how much influence you can have on your kids. It really is a case-by-case basis. Pag hindi mo pinayagan magka relasyon, baka gawin lang ng patago (If you don’t allow the relationship they might hide it from you.) You might be making the problem worse because if you do not approve, then you will not know exactly what is going on. If you approve, at least maybe your children will keep you updated and share with you what is happening in their lives.

At the end of the day, every parent will have his or her own way of dealing with the situation. Some will use guilt to get their way. Some will use fear. Others will try gentle persuasion. Regardless of which method you use, I think there are some general rules you should try to follow.

Make sure your children know that you are doing this for their own good and because you love them. Keep the communication lines open. There is nothing worse than having communication shut down completely and you do not know what is going on anymore. Treat them like mature adults and talk to them appropriately. Accept that ultimately, the final choice is probably theirs. You can limit what they can and cannot do, but you probably cannot monitor them 24 hours a day. 

And perhaps most of all, not only should your children know that you are doing this because you love them, but make sure you are doing it because you love them… unconditionally.

Sincerely,

Nanay

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