How important is quality time with the children?
Being a single parent was not easy in the beginning. I was worried how my three children would survive this traumatic episode in their lives. But having been guided to focus on each of my children’s emotional needs, I made sure I gave them my full attention and all my love. My children have now made me a proud mom as they continue to bring home good grades and excel in their chosen fields. I realized that for as long as a parent gives each child the quality time they rightfully deserve, our children in return will give us even more than we ask of them.
(Everyone is encouraged to join the Family Congress on Aug. 25, Saturday at 8 a.m. at Valle Verde Country Club. It aims to teach couples, parents,singles and teens to communicate and understand each other. It aims to reaffirm the value and relevance of the Filipino Family in the face of changing times. You may also log on to familycongress@gmail.com or call 4364-143, 579-0100, 0922-8944143, 0917-8972903, 845-1234)
Obet Cabrillas, preacher and spiritual director of Youth Mission for Parishes and Churches
Children are in their formative years. Their self-esteem or self-worth is being developed. Human beings tend to become what significant people believe they can become. We are a product of the people who loved us and refused to love us! If the parents are always giving quality time and are affirming, the kids understand this communication as, “You are important to me!” Given on a regular basis, this will make the kid live out this belief that he really is important! The effect: he/she, in turn, generously gives value to other people especially his/her peers. In contrast, not giving time to kids (absentee parenting) will make their “love tanks” hollow. This message says, “You are not important!”; “You’re not worth my time!”; “You amount to nothing!” Hence, they live out lives of unclear, vague, little or no self-worth at all. Henry David Thoreau was right: “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation.” Criminality, violence, substance-abuse, sexual promiscuity, etc. are but the tip of the iceberg. At the bottom and root of it all the above is low self-esteem a product of absentee parenting. Carol Metzier and team in the US made a study of 700 adolescents in single-parented homes and those not given parental quality time have high probabilities of: sexual activity, substance abuse, mental illness, suicidal tendencies, poor educational performance, teen pregnancy and criminality. There are two gifts that we give our children: roots and wings. Quality time of affection, attention and affirmation will build the roots that will bloom into a sturdy tree someday. Whereas their wings are made by the challenges we post upon them so that they might accomplish their dreams. Bottom line: children don’t spell love as L.O.V.E. They spell love as T.I.M.E. Be blessed immensely!
Queena Lee Chua, Author, Psychology Professor, Ateneo de Manila
Quality time and quantity time are equally important. If parents hug and play with their kids, but only for, say, 10 to 15 minutes a day, a solid relationship will be difficult to sustain. Ditto if parents spend all day with their kids, but do nothing but nag or spoil them, leaving major responsibilities to tutors or yayas. Use common sense — strike a balance between quality and quantity time.
Rowie Matti, educator, CEO, Gallileo Enrichment Learning Program
Quality time spent with your children is very important; it is a key factor in raising them to be happy and well-adjusted individuals. Children need their parents’ undivided time and attention for their growth. As parents, we need to spend time and have an open communication with our children to establish a very good relationship with them. If we have a good relationship with our children they will talk to us about anything and they will be more open to share their secrets and problems. Being an educator for many years, I have witnessed that children who spend quality time with their parents turn out to become healthy, happy, and well-adjusted. So no matter how long or short your time bonding with your kid is, as long as you spend it interacting actively, listening attentively and enjoying doing things together, then it is quality time!
Aiza Tabayoyong, relationship and parenting consultant, Love Institute
I used to say that my priority is my family and yet I only gave them my “leftover” time after I was finished with work. Now, I live out my priorities and set aside time for children and family first. Spending individual quality time with each of my children allows me to be updated on what they are thinking or going through in their life, getting to know them and their uniqueness while allowing them to get to know me too. It provide an opportunity for me to give guidance and value formation as I maximize those teachable moments. Lastly, these are when we discuss their personal and family goals then consult them on how we can achieve them.
Rechie Cristobal, addiction specialist and life coach
For me, it is very important. It’s not only about how much time a parent spends time with their children but what is important too is how a parent spends their time with them (even if they are separated). Children need to feel the security, care, love and nurturing of their parents. Ideally, this is when quality time comes into play... Quality time with our children is time with our children, this doesn’t mean that you should spend every waking hour with your child. It means that you should be together when you can. Even the minutes or hours we spend arguing with them and punishing them is quality time. When I think back about my own childhood, what do I remember most is when my father brought me with him on a boat ride going to a mining site where he was working. I was excited and proud or when my mother would talk to me about issues she needed help with. When we first fall in love or begin a friendship with someone, we spend hours talking about everything and nothing; we recount our childhood, our fears, and our dreams. Through this we gain closeness with others. To gain closeness with our children we need to tell them these stories as well. When we allow our children to see us as we are, they trust us. This is why quality time for children is important for me.
Dr. Allan Dionisio
The child’s self-esteem is heavily dependent on the perception that they are loved by their parents. In their minds, if their parents love them, then they must be of value. And one of the manifestations of love is the amount and quality of time spent by the parent with the child. By spending quality time with your child, you tell him that he is loved and that he is valuable — and that perception of himself is what he brings withhim to adulthood. Self-esteem is a great gift — and that is worth spending time with your child for.
Maribel Dionisio, marital and family councilor, Love Institute
Attend to children before there is a problem— so that your positive relationship gives you leverage when the problem comes. Spend regular fun time daily and have a weekly date with each child in their first 12 years. One way of spending quality time is through games. They are a great way to teach children to follow rules, to take turns, to be honest, to be magnanimous in victory and gracious in defeat, and — in the case of Monopoly — to do math in their heads when they have to pay for things. With their play money they learn to calculate their change. They will also have fond memories of their parents playing Monopoly with them. Teens are different from younger kids. They are in the stage were they spend more time with friends and school than with family. Their interests change and asking them to play Monopoly won’t work anymore. Make no mistake — the principle of bonding through play is still there. But if parents want to spend time with their adolescent children, then we will have to adjust our interests to their interests and spend more time doing what our children are interested in doing.
Rissa Singson-Kawpeng, editor in chief, Kerygma magazine
My kids are still young, two and four years old, so they don’t know how what quality time is. For them, the only time they recognize is now. When they talk to you, they want your attention now. When I’m working and they climb on to my lap, they don’t understand what deadlines mean or that my creative juices are flowing. They have no concept of waiting or how long five minutes is before Mama is done. I believe that when we give our kids the time and attention they need when they demand it, especially when they’re young, it gives them the indelible impression that they are important to us — more important than work, deadlines or other people.
Dr. Bernie J.Madrid, Executive Director, Child Protection Network Foundation Inc.
Quality time is important for children but what makes up quality time depends on the child’s age. What an infant needs is so different from a teenager’s needs. Even its ordinariness, its routine is a value unto itself for it adds to the feeling of structure that children need. When children were asked what it was about quality of time that they valued the most, they said “It is knowing that their parents would be there for them when they needed them.” Quality time also has a lot to do with proper timing and not just any time that is convenient to the parent. For example being present in important events in a child’s life is important. Children should also have a say in the planning of what to do with their time.
Michele Santos Alignay, parenting consultant
I believe that giving the children both quality and quantity of time is a way of showing them and making them feel loved by parents. A quote goes that “Love for children is spelled T-I-M-E!” This quality time is the means for parents to be in touch with the world and realities of the kids. It is also the time to get to know the child and seal the bond of parent-child relationship, that both can bring with them as the child grows. Lastly, quality time with kids, gives the children a “sense of family.” Thus, this helps build their identity, their values and views in life as this serves as the opportunity for parents to develop these important matters in their kids.
Small Laude, owner and administrator, Greenhills Learning Center
Spending quality time with my sons PJ, Michael, and Tim and my daughter Allison is of utmost importance to me. Time goes by fast so every second I spend with them is precious. No matter how busy I am, I make sure I check on them daily about school and the numerous and varied activities they have. Having dinner together is a good time to catch up on each other’s stories. During my kids’ summer break, I also make it a point for the whole family to go to a place we haven’t been yet, whether in the Philippines or abroad. I believe that travel is the best form of education. It’s like hitting two birds with one stone — we’re bonding and we’re all learning at the same time. No matter where we are, my basic concern is for my children to know in their hearts that they have a mom who wants nothing but the best for them and will do anything for them to actualize their potentials to the fullest. Spending time with my children is simply priceless!
