26 things every gentleman should have

Let’s say you’re a 35-year-old, middle-class Filipino male — in other words, very likely, you’ve already found the answers to the most basic questions in your life, such as where am I going to live, and who am I going to be living with. (Check off “No. 1: A house or an apartment” and “No. 2: A wife or a mate” from the list.) That still leaves about two dozen other things you should consider having so you can fancy yourself as being reasonably complete. Most of these you can thankfully buy off the shelf or even on the Internet; two or three (including No. 2, above) will take a little more looking and a lot more discernment.

3. A car. Next to a girl, nothing gets a guy more excited than a car. (Occasionally those priorities can get reversed, and vintage cars could command a premium over vintage wives.) The first car you scrupulously save up for, the second car you go vroom-vroom with, the last car you splurge on. By the time you get to the last one, you probably won’t be driving it yourself, and nothing will ever be as much fun as that VW and all the things you never thought possible in a Bug.

4. A big TV. No self-respecting guy will watch a Pacquiao fight on a 14-inch TV.

5. A desktop computer. Laptops are sexier, but laptops are for work; there’s nothing like a massive desktop for, um, entertainment, and we don’t mean just World of Warcraft.

6. A laptop computer. Laptops foster the illusion that we’re actually thinking about work outside of the office. Laptops look better in coffeeshops and on the beach. Laptops look worst in the office, especially when they’re chained to the table, because it only means you got a smaller table, and aren’t really going anywhere, like the coffeeshop or the beach.

7. A tablet. Of course everyone needs a tablet between a laptop and a cellphone. We just don’t seem to know exactly why; Steve Jobs died before he could explain it to us.

8. A phone. “PDA” is so 1990s, and “smartphone” is so 2000s, so let’s just call it a phone that can do nearly everything your laptop and tablet can do, except that it can fit in your pocket, where your money used to be.

9. Earphones. Or headphones, if you will, for that über-geek look, but earphones are for the more discreet male who wants to suggest that beneath that rather homely exterior lies a complex individual who’s actually listening to Trois Gymnopédies. Be sure to close your eyes, make conductor-like gestures, and sigh at certain moments.

10. A camera. Sure you have one on your phone, but nothing beats a DSLR with a big, long lens — the longer, the better. There are few things more profoundly satisfying than carrying the longest lens on the block, like a bat in the ballpark.

11. A blazer. Preferably navy-blue, not too tailored nor too neatly pressed, to suggest a certain casualness under pressure. Suggest the pressure as well, by frowning occasionally with your phone to your ear, then going “Hahaha!” and waving to friends as they approach or pass by. Goes well with shades and a white shirt with the top button undone.

12. Shades. Since we mentioned it, no guy should be without some eye protection — not to ward off deadly radiation, but to keep others from looking into your eyes and seeing who and what you really are. An absolute necessity in poker, espionage and courtship.

13. Eyeglasses. Preferably tortoise-rimmed. Add 50 points to your IQ without trying, even without astigmatism or anything so terribly inconvenient. Release your inner Johnny Depp. Goes well with some deep words tossed into the conversation like “zygote” or “asymptotic,” or stray foreign phrase like “cherchez la femme.”

14. A jacket. There are many kinds of jackets, but I don’t mean something in red or green nylon with white stripes running down the arms. Your homeboy days are over. I mean something in woven khaki lined in silk or silken paisley, with inner pockets presumably for passports or little black books.

15. Dress shoes. Black with laces — if you still know how to tie them, and can bend over to do so.

16. Loafers and sneakers. Loafers should be preferably brown, comfy but not too funky or scruffy, unless you’re being just “one of the boys.” Into this category fall Topsiders, Sanuks and Crocs (but not the hinged, plastic, pink ones, please). Sneakers are what we Pinoys quaintly like to call “rubber shoes,” which they’re not, although their soles are. (Never mind those fussy Brits, with their Plimsolls and Wellingtons.) Of course sneakers could be high-cut or low-cut; if you’re under five feet, low-cut is more advisable.

17. A ratty something. No guy is a guy without a ratty something in his wardrobe — a perforated T-shirt, bacony briefs, tattered puruntong shorts — in which the owner feels utterly at peace with himself and with the universe, and without which the universe might as well collapse. Wives, mates, and daughters will connive to dispose of the ratty something and to replace it with a swanky new something, but the feeling (of air going through the hole in your pet socks, for example) will never be the same, and forceful ejection of the ratty something could lead to war and annulment.

18. A dress watch. Something that doesn’t look like a tank, is totally free of rubber, and can actually tell time at a glance, using two thin hands instead of boxy numbers. Should be thin enough to go under a shirt cuff, so make sure you check the time every now and then.

19. A beater watch. A Seiko or a Citizen you can hit concrete walls, iron gates, and car doors with without wincing, something you don’t need to buy a dozen 24mm straps for, or have Mang Andy (the Pinoy watchman’s savior at Makati Cinema Square) labor over. (Hint: invest in good sapphire crystal; mineral glass will look like an ice-skating rink in no time.)

20. Luggage. Especially when traveling with others, your suitcase and carry-on might as well be your IDs. Shouldn’t look too pristine nor too beaten. Security stickers from obscure airports, maybe no more than three, can’t hurt your hither-thither image. No addresses scrawled with sign pens.

21. A fountain pen. You really didn’t think I would leave this out, did you? Even if all you do with it is sign checks to turn over your money to other people, a fountain pen and the penmanship it produces could be the last hallmark of your individuality, which your officemate (yes, the one making leering glances at your wife, and worse, the one she’s been glancing back at) certainly can’t copy.

22. A rollerball/ballpoint pen. For most other days and uses — for those immigration and customs forms, for duplicates, for when somebody asks, “May I borrow your pen?”

23. A belt and wallet. These two are often sold in the same department store section, so we’ll take them together. Not that anyone will really look, but they’d be good to match, color and texture-wise. A reversible belt sounds like a good option — but also suggests an indeterminacy of mind. My rule of thumb: don’t get cheap with things you’ll be using every day for years.

24. A hat. It’s odd how, in our sun-drenched and rain-soaked country, we’ve thrown away our great-grandfathers’ hats. Baseball caps are cute — if you’re 17, or 67.

25. A book to read. Please, not some business book, or tips on leadership and confidence (if you have to read the book, then you have a problem); not James Joyce’s Ulysses, either, nor Twilight. (I’m reading a book titled Just My Type, on the history of typography. Great stuff.)

26. A pet, or a cause, or a pet cause. Whether it’s a cat, a dog, or animal rights, something to tell others — and yourself — that you care about something other than yourself.

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Email me at penmanila@yahoo.com and check out my blog at www.penmanila.ph.