26 movies they should remake (and some they shouldn't have)

Move remakes suck. We all know that. Everyone’s got a list of movie classics they would readily guard with a loaded submachine from the Walking Dead invasion of dreaded Hollywood remakes — their top 10 of cinematic excellence that must remain untampered with, at all costs. But though it’s a given that Hollywood is largely brain-dead, on chronic life support of tofu burgers and detox smoothies, and that 96 percent of all Tinseltown product is either a recycle of a comic book, a TV show or an old movie, some things do remain sacred. Like, nobody is ever gonna remake The Godfather. (Um… we think.) And as sure as J.D. Salinger is safely in his grave, nobody on earth has rights to film The Catcher in the Rye.

Still, the logic of Hollywood is understandable. Cretinous, but understandable. Today’s young moviegoing audience is not gonna sit still to watch an “old” black and white classic like The Day The Earth Stood Still or King Kong. That would require a few things largely lost on youth, namely taste and discrimination. So what’s left? A dozen movies or so I found that could stand up to a decent reimagining — in the right hands — and a few duds that should have been left in the Classics Vault, where they belong.

1. Metropolis. Martin Scorsese scored Oscar nods last year with his look at cinematic sci-fi pioneer George Melies in Hugo; how about a remake of Fritz Lang’s 1927 opus Metropolis? Angelina Jolie could supply the curvy metal lines for robot Maria; I see John Malkovich as mad scientist Rotwang.

2. Fantastic Voyage. This 1968 flick took us inside a man’s bloodstream, via a miniaturized submarine that contained mini-surgeons and Raquel Welch in a skintight diving suit. Today’s special effects and 3D could really take that journey to new levels. Calling Joss Whedon to do the script!

3. Rear Window. I know: it’s a terrible idea to remake Hitchcock. (Gus Van Sant will spend eons in purgatory for attempting to redo Psycho. Oh, wait: he already is.) But the film’s basic plot has been plundered so many times since (Disturbia, among others) that someone needs to step up and do it right.

4. Eyes Without a Face. While Pedro Almodavar’s recent The Skin I Live In borrows some elements from this 1959 French horror classic (which gave Billy Idol at least one song title), its eerie, gothic quality and unblinking take on audience voyeurism could be redone very effectively by someone like Michael Haneke.

5. The Man Who Fell To Earth. We loved Nick Roeg’s 1976 version, wedded to rock star David Bowie’s unique take on Newton, the titular spaceman who craves water for his dying planet. But Roeg’s style doesn’t resonate with post-‘70s audiences; get someone like Zack Snyder to direct, with music by Trent Reznor, and I smell a hit.

6. Seconds. This John Frankenheimer film from 1968 was a truly disconcerting look at the quest for eternal youth: middle-aged corporate man Arthur Hamilton pays for a life remake and becomes hipster artist Rock Hudson — with a new face, new body, and all the consequences. It’s an oddly compelling and disturbing theme, echoed in a million plastic surgery quests since.

7. High Plains Drifter. An underrated Eastwood-directed classic from 1974. A no-name gunslinger takes over the Western town of Lago. In little time, he’s raping, killing, turning everything upside down (he appoints a dwarf as sheriff) and convincing the scared townspeople to paint everything red. He renames the new town “Hell.” With the right casting, Oliver Stone could launch a comeback on such twisted fare.

8. Deliverance. This 1973 classic is really about man against the elements, man against himself — and man against the occasional sodomizing hillbilly. You can still hear that banjo theme in your head; admit it. With the right casting and a serious director, this could work. 

9. Repo Man. Emilio Estavez as Otto, a skinhead punk who takes up with Harry Dean Stanton, a laconic car repossession man. Mix in aliens and awesome California punk music, and this 1984 flick is a cult classic. Never mind the unrelated Repo Men that came out last year; Repo Man is a comedy about youth, generic beer and the search for values. It needs a modern rethink.

10. Touch of Evil. Orson Welles in full baroque noir flowering, full of big emotions and betrayals. Wanted for remake: a director with a perverse heart who understands noir.

 11. Bigger Than Life. Nicholas Ray’s bizarre parable against drugs or conformity; take your pick. Only Ray — whose colors bleed off the screen in garish fare like Johnny Guitar and Rebel Without a Cause — understood man at odds with society during his time; we like Darren Aronofsky (hot off of Black Swan) for the remake.

12. Murder By Death. This 1978 mystery comedy has a strong Filipino cult following, thanks to frequent TV showings. Replace James Coco, Nancy Walker and Peter Falk with the Judd Apted crew — or go really filthy with Trey Parker and Matt Stone — and you’ve got a remake that will tear it up.

13. The Book of Revelation. Okay, not technically a remake, though this is the granddaddy of all apocalyptic scripts. Have you read the thing lately? Blood raining from the sky, seven-eyed beasts, human-faced locusts and serpent-tailed, lion-headed horses: to hell with the Mayan calendar, baby, this is the real apocalypse!

And now some memorable remake blunders:

14. Sabrina. There’s a reason Billy Wilder’s classics are left alone: nobody does it better. Certainly not Harrison Ford, Greg Kinnear and Julia Ormond in this dud.

15. Planet of the Apes. A serious misstep by Tm Burton, lacking all the wit and impact of the 1968 original.

16. The Wicker Man. Nicholas Cage goes crazy. Again. Doesn’t hold a candle to eerie British original.

17. Stepford Wives. From creepy horror to lame comedy, via Matthew Broderick and Nicole Kidman. Back to the drawing board, guys.

18. Straw Dogs. Should have been good. But only Sam Peckinpah’s original can get under your skin with his tale of male revenge and payback.

19. Payback. Speaking of payback, this Mel Gibson remake of John Boorman’s 1967 Point Blank totally missed its fractured noir sensibility, but did introduce the world to Lucy Liu in underwear.

20. King Kong (1976 version). Jeff Bridges, Jessica Lange and a fake-looking robot Kong cannot make us weep as the claymation version did in 1933.

21. Get Carter. Michael Caine radiates intelligence; Sylvester Stallone doesn’t. Case closed.

22. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Loud and lousy. Sensing a theme here? Tim Burton should stay away from remakes. Forever.

23. Poseidon. Come on, we liked the cheesy B-movie actors and soap opera drama of the 1972 original. Wolfgang Petersson made a muck of it. All wet.

24. The Getaway. Peckinpah (again) got us involved by showing sparks between real-life couple Steve McQueen and Ali McGraw onscreen. The Alec Baldwin-Kim Basinger remake couldn’t spark a marshmallow roast.

25. Psycho. Like the judges on American Idol say, don’t try to imitate the masters if you know you will lose in comparison.

26. Carrie. Said to be filming now with Chloe Moretz as the blood-soaked prom queen. When will they learn? Brian De Palma’s 1976 original was a watershed in horror cinema; any remake is bound to be a washout.