How artists deal with fear

DUMAGUETE CITY — I have been living with artists these last three days at a beach resort here in Dumaguete. Singers and songwriters from all over the Philippines are here to attend the Second Elements Workshop, which gathers kindred souls united by music to share knowledge and experience and to get everyone excited about making original Pilipino music.

This is not the first time I have had the pleasure of being amid such scintillating company. I have attended artists’ workshops in Sundance, in Shimane, Japan, in Moscow, and here at home. Wherever you may meet them, artists come in various shapes, sizes and temperaments. And each one represents himself in a most unique way.

In the ‘80s, I met a Russian pop artist, Andre Makarevich, who was a dead ringer for the young Bob Dylan. Quite an animated guy, he gave me his first CD, the hit song in which was entitled, I Want to Defect, in Russian, of course.

I also met a danseur from Indonesia with whom I connected immediately. He was tall and, not surprisingly, very physical. I liked him because he seemed to be totally comfortable in his art and his identity as an Indonesian.

There was also this other Russian artist, a poet who was quite intimidating. It wasn’t because he could not speak English; he just looked too much like the role — aloof and snobbish. His hair was always windblown and his quiet demeanor came across as burning intensity. And when he “performed” his poetry, he sounded like a prophet warning about a devastating cataclysm.

Lastly, there was this young Japanese woman who played the koto. She seemed like the typical reserved, gentle Japanese woman who smiled shyly and avoided eye contact. But when she played her instrument, she was strong, fierce and in great control. She seemed to attack the koto to conquer and tame it. It was quite impressive and unforgettable watching and listening to her.

Here at the Dumaguete workshop, I see many young people who come from different places and backgrounds and have varied styles. There are also the older, already successful mentors and singers and the wide-eyed newbie participants.

What makes a highly functional artist, whether old or new, experienced or newbie, big or small, disciplined or not-so, is the way he looks at the world. In different degrees, artists are lean and hungry, as though  they are always looking at a show window, wanting not so much  to possess what they see, but more to be put on display — to be seen, watched, ogled at, heard, listened to, admired and desired by everyone who passes by. They are dying to share their art.

And that lean and hungry stance is a great element that contributes to an artist’s success. But it is just one part of the story, or half of the formula.

The other half is fear.  Fear accompanies every artist’s ambition to express himself, to share his art and craft, to perform and expose himself through performance

Fear is a constant in an artist’s life and in the practice of his art. There is that great fear of not performing well, or not being able to deliver on the expectations of his or her audience. There is ever present the fear of being rejected, being laughed at or not be taken seriously, or worse, being misunderstood.

The first thing an artist must overcome is the fear of rejection. This is not accomplished in one big battle that settles the issue once and for all. It is a constant feeling that must be faced over and over again.  The artist must kill the dragon each time it resurrects.

This is the dynamic that rules an artist’s life. Unlike a capitalist who invests something tangible like money, or an architect who uses bricks and mortar to build, an artist uses intangibles — ideas, feelings, imagination, intuition.  It is both wonderful and scary to be able to create a catalogue of music. From experience, I know it is wonderful because one is able to make something out of nothing. It is scary too because even if one has done it many times, there is the constant fear that what one has created may really have no value. When I am in fear and self-loathing mode,  many of my artistic creations seem like crap to me. I can be my worst critic.

From a practical point of view, it is scary because an artist can’t see or touch his creation, much less put it in a bank. When a business fails, one can start and build a new one from scratch. When an artist fails, the failure is deemed personal, a weight he must carry until he gets another crack at success and actually achieves it.

An artist equates his work with his ego. If the work is successful, he feels successful. If it is a failure, he is a  flop as well.

As an artist, I have learned that experiencing rejection, being ignored, underappreciated and misunderstood are part of paying one’s dues. When I talk to younger artists, I tell them that despite the risks, the duty of an artist is to show up and do his art. But, as simple as this sounds, many aspiring artists find a hundred excuses to justify why they cannot or should not show up.

While I know the benefits of showing up, it is not easy to do.  My commitment to showing up and doing my art is the same commitment I try to keep when I pursue the other aspects of my life. There are the exercise for my body and meditation for my spirit that I must do daily too which I know will somehow make me a better artist and probably also a better human being.

In the end, the artist must deal constantly with the impulse to create and the impulse of fear. The trick is to build stronger muscles and habits of creativity that can overcome fear when it arises.

* * *

1) If you have been using your DSLR camera like a point and shoot, it’s time to learn how to use it properly. Basic Photography Workshop on Sunday, Nov. 20. 1 p.m. to 6:30 p.m. You must have a DSLR. Call 0916-8554303 or 426-5375. Or write to jpfotojim@gmail for questions or reservations. Fee is P3,920 VAT inclusive.

2) Last call: Tapping the Creative Universe (six-session run): A cutting-edge experience. The most soulfully liberating workshop you can attend! Nov. 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 21 from 7 to 9 p.m. 5K. Call number above or write for info. Or check http://jimparedes-workshops.com for curriculum.