25 truths about being an American in Manila

1. A lot of people assume you’re in the CIA. This usually helps create mystique. Don’t overdo it, though.

2. You occasionally crave foreign fast-food. McDonald’s. Starbucks. KFC. Pizza Hut. Fortunately, they’re everywhere. You don’t even get a chance to become homesick for American junk food.

3. A mall is always a stone’s throw away. Same as with the fast food.  Knowing there’s a hardware store as big as an airplane hangar or a million other outlets for your gadget needs makes living in Manila a lot easier to deal with.

4. If you can’t think of something nice to say… it’s better to make stuff up. If you really must turn down an invite to a huge merienda (an hour after you’ve finished lunch), think of some elaborate excuse — work, errands, some family member lying in the hospital — rather than simply admitting, “Er… I really don’t think I could eat anything again until next Wednesday.”

5. You can’t own a gun. And that’s a good thing. But there’s always pepper spray.

6. Karaoke is your friend, not your enemy. After a stressful day/week in Manila, a few verses of Springsteen’s Born to Run or Radiohead’s Creep can be as comforting as a Quarter Pounder or a Whopper with Cheese.

7. You’ll never run out of natural beauty/beauties to explore. Whether you’re kayaking in the limestone cliffs of Palawan or watching the Binibining Pilipinas contest, there’s plenty of eye candy.

8. You become addicted to cheap massages. Let’s face it: a good rubdown can set you back $50 or more in the US. Here it’s as inexpensive as a Happy Meal.

9. You find people are generally honest. My father visited Manila in 1999, lost his “fanny pack” (containing his passport, driver’s license and other vital items) on a Quiapo kalesa ride. The investigating police officer was very thorough, questioning everyone in the drivers’ area until he recovered the items. Didn’t ask for a reward. My dad was very impressed by the cop’s honesty.

10. You stop noticing coup attempts. Like the ones during GMA’s reign. My folks rang me up to inquire about my safety during the last one, but we were out at the mall, oblivious to the news about a tank crashing through the Peninsula Hotel. Just another day in Manila.

11. Driving is not a spectator sport. Much like in gladiator days, it’s easier to sit back in a comfortable seat and watch the carnage while a driver whisks you from Point A to Point B, rather than get your tunic all bloody. But where’s the fun in that? Man up, get a driver’s license, and learn how it’s really done on the mean streets.

12. Patience is a virtue. As more than one foreigner told me when I first moved to Manila, “If you didn’t have patience before living in the Philippines, you’ll definitely learn it here.” Not everything happens

I am the balut man: Every American who comes here tries it eventually.

at lightning-quick speeds, but waiting with a smile sometimes pays off.

13. You learn to get around the word “No.” It’s a favorite word of salespeople, along with “Wala” and “Out of stock.” As a foreigner here, you must learn to distinguish “no” from “maybe,” and go about your business.

14. Everyone eventually tries balut. It took me 14 years. But I finally sent one down the hatch. Urp…

15. You are not allowed to use “Filipino time” as an excuse. Everybody else can be 30 minutes to an hour late for a dinner or event, but if you’re an American and you arrive late, people will openly mock you.

16. People expect you to be loud and obnoxious if you have an American accent. I don’t fit the stereotype, apparently. Plus I took an “accent neutralization” seminar before moving here. (It helps when you’re in the CIA.)

17. You learn to carry your own toilet paper everywhere you go. For emergencies. Just saying.

18. If you consent to take a “group photo” of strangers in front of a monument, you will suddenly have 20 cameras dangling from your wrist. Not just Americans, but all foreigners walk right into this trap. You think, “How hard can it be? One group, one camera...” Then you find yourself clicking away for 20 minutes, juggling camera straps like Bobo the Clown.

19. The “Jedi Mind Trick” sometimes works with cop pullovers. Okay, it also helps to have pale skin and a “PRESS” sticker on your car. But sometimes, when you’re pulled over for a minor traffic violation, it helps to just wave your hand and say: “You don’t need to take away my license… I’m free to go.” If this fails, pedal to the metal also works.

20. US brands have become generic nouns here. People brush with Colgate while watching MTVs after drinking Coke which they keep in the Frigidaire. It’s like everybody’s a paid endorser of US brands. But…

21. …When you want beer, you ask for San Miguel. ‘Nuff said.

22. Medical tourism is becoming as big as regular tourism. It’s not uncommon for people to come from halfway around the world to get faith healing, facial uplifting, liposuction or a new set of teeth. Who needs a health care plan when you can pay out of pocket?

23. Everyone is either asleep or having lunch at 12 noon.  The siesta habit is one trait left behind by the Spanish. Schedule all your transactions accordingly or suffer the consequences.

24. You learn that “Guest Relations Officer” is not a diplomatic post. Though it’s easy to be confused by the sexy uniforms.

25. Socks with sandals. Just don’t.