Should there be a divorce law?

Once upon a time, happily ever after… these were the words the little girl used to hear from bedtime stories before going to bed.

She clutched her little doll close to her heart and covered the toy’s head with a flowing wedding veil.

“Someday, I’m going to find my Prince Charming and we are going to end up happy for the rest of our lives. We would have 10 children and live in a big beautiful castle!” she muttered to herself.

A loud thud was heard from outside her room. A volley of shouts ripped through the house. The sound of breaking glass pierced her tiny ears.

But this little girl was used to all this. This was the soundtrack to her life.

She crept out of her room and hid under the coffee table as she watched her parents going at it again.

Her dad was shouting while her tearful mom was crouching in fear. The girl watched her dad smack her mom with such great intensity that it sent her sprawling on the floor.

But still he was not satisfied. His eyes were red with fury. He was the big scary monster that she saw in her nightmares. Screaming, he flung the vase at the wall and it broke into a thousand pieces. One of the pieces hit the little girl and inflicted a deep wound on her right cheek.

The little girl went back inside her room and crawled into her bed, silently weeping. She was not crying because of her wound. She was crying because she didn’t know if this was ever going to stop.

“Is this what happily ever after was supposed to be?” she sighed.

Then there’s the story of the little boy who thought he was not like the other kids. He was always the outcast, the loner, the “untouchable” who was shunned in his class.

It was his birthday, but no one seemed to remember. Even his mom forgot to greet him that morning.

 He had never met his dad and couldn’t relate to any father figure in his life. He had always lived with his mom who didn’t really bother with him. Every birthday of his life, he would wish that he would get to meet his dad.

But this year, he had lost all hope. He stared in envy as he saw the other kids being picked up by their dads after school. He looked at his school books and dropped them on the floor, kicking them to the side.

“What’s the point?” he thought. “How I wish my parents had never separated.”

There are probably thousands of kids who find themselves in situations similar to those of the girl and boy whose lives I depicted above. The children, products of a broken home, are the ones who suffer.

It is quite obvious that life is not a fairytale. Marriages do fall apart. But is it right to keep two people together, no matter what the cost?

 “Till death do us part” — these are the words we hear during a wedding ceremony. Marriage is supposed to be an eternal, sacred, permanently binding contract. But why is divorce and separation so common all over the world?

The Philippines is the only country that does not have the divorce law. A bill is being introduced in Congress to legalize divorce but has met with so much controversy and mixed views.

There are so many factors to consider before even thinking about separation or divorce. How will this impact on the psychology of the children, their capacity to believe in lasting commitments? Before even thinking about divorce, parents should first think about their children. It is not they but the children who probably suffer most from the break-up. Could the marriage still be saved? Do children deserve to suffer the consequences?

One thing is for sure — parents have the duty to love their children. They should be able to show their kids the real meaning of love and be there for them whatever happens. In fact, should divorce eventually become recognized in our country, the law ought to ensure that the interests of the children are addressed and taken care of.

What do Filipinos think about the issue? We asked some parents and children. On this page are their answers.

Hans Sicat chairman, Philippine Stock Exchange

Jasper Tan (left) and dad, Joseph Tanbuntiong.

As the country tries to move into a more pluralistic society, particularly tolerance towards other faiths, beliefs, and practices, divorce is one of the features which should be allowed. A country’s civil rules and regulations need not be based solely on the predominant religion’s values and practices. In addition, for those couples who have made a mistake, we find that only the wealthy or well-connected get annulments. This makes a full mockery of the religion’s value set, in addition to emphasizing the inequalities in our society.

Joseph Tanbuntiong president, Red Ribbon

I am against the divorce bill. Marriage is a sacred commitment; therefore a simple process should not break it. Problems in marriage should be resolved through the spirit of unity.

Jasper Tan, freshman, Santa Clara University

I am against the divorce bill. Divorce breaks the very meaning of marriage. What makes marriage different from other relationships is permanence sealed by a vow. A boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, for example, can be broken by just words. Being best friends can end with a fight. Marriage, however, by definition, is making a commitment to stay with someone forever. By introducing divorce, marriage just becomes another relationship without commitment. It just becomes another boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.

Aside from this, legalizing divorce gives citizens the idea that marriage should not be given much thought, as it is reversible anyway. This would cause careless promises and commitments, and a multitude of small tensions will break the unity of the nation as a whole.

Regina Limcaoco

Regina Limcaoco student, International School Manila

I feel that it is appropriate to legalize divorce in the Philippines. Although I don’t feel as though divorce is a particularly good thing for people to go through, some citizens may feel it necessary, and they should be given the right to legally separate from another. It’s a person’s own private relationship, and they should be able to get divorced for whatever reason they feel suitable — be it a physical issue (such as domestic abuse), or a personal (unhappiness with the marriage).

T.G. Limcaoco president, Bank of the Philippine Islands

TG Limcaoco

The sad reality is that there are marriages that fail: So each one goes his/her own way. To force the couple to stay together legally just doesn’t seem right. Divorce is just a quick fix to a problem that should have never materialized if the couple had proper preparation and discernment prior to committing to marriage. I’d say if the couple wants it, they should have it.

Stephanie Coyiuto Tay & Joseph Tay,  head, Moroso Italian Furniture

Stephanie Coyiuto-Tay and Joseph Tay

The reasons why people are driven to file for divorce are complex. There are certainly legally and morally justifiable reasons for divorce such as abuse, alcoholism, and infidelity. However, we feel that legalizing divorce is akin to opening a can of worms with long-term ramifications for society. Divorce often creates a strong temptation not to try hard enough to make the marriage work. There are a lot of things going against a modern marriage. Personality differences, work pressures, conflicting opinions, boredom with someone familiar, built-up resentments … Divorce tends to distort a realistic and mature understanding of the nature of marriage by replacing it with a casual convenience- based concept.

We are either blessed or scarred by our experiences, and divorce is a traumatic experience for children. Psychology has delved into the obvious trauma that children of divorced families go through, but what perhaps is not immediately apparent to most people is that we are starting (and perhaps are victims ourselves of) a cycle of broken relationships. Children lose a valuable role model in making a permanent trusting relationship work. While this does not condemn them to a failed marriage later on, it will certainly create a burden that they have to struggle against.

 In the end, whether or not divorce is legalized, education is most important. Legalizing divorce is not the solution for a better, happier society. People must think hard before entering the long-term contract that is marriage.

Sandie Castro-Poblador, president of Casador Realty Co. Ltd

Sandie Castro-Poblador and daughter Alessandra Castro Pablador

Aside from the Vatican itself, and Malta, the Philippines is the only country in the world that does not have a divorce law. But the Family Code has provisions for a civil annulment. This limited and intolerant system forces one spouse to admit they are “psychologically incapacitated,” short of admitting they are lunatics, just to be able to get out of a marriage that has long lost its meaning or relevance to both parties. In addition, such couples are placed under the extreme stress and financial burden of obtaining such an annulment. Because it is complicated to obtain one under present laws, many are actually in difficult psychological and financial situations.

It is about time we introduced a divorce law. My mother who would be 94 years old if she were alive was, in my mind, a feminist long before it was even a concept. She used to tell us that women should have equal protection, not prejudiced treatment, under the law. Currently under Philippine laws, a man must be proven to be cohabiting with another woman for his wife to seek relief. It will be extremely difficult and expensive for his wife to seek an annulment.

Cruel husbands may come in form of habitual or impossible womanizers, bearing children with several other women, hopeless alcoholics, etc. Oftentimes, a marriage breaks down for other reasons, and the children suffer the lingering consequences. An enlightened divorce law must address the needs of women who not only put up with the burdens of such husbands but are also abandoned with no monetary support for their children, especially where the men use their wealth to force their will on their hapless wives. Even though we may be blessed with perfect marriages and the best husbands, we should not deprive those with unhappy destinies a chance to put their only life in order.