DEAR NANAY,
It is the New Year and I want to reach out to my in-laws.
A few years ago, I lost my baby. My husband was very supportive but some of his relatives blamed me for losing the baby because I was still working. They believed that I was working too hard and was too stressed, which contributed to the loss of the baby. Since then, they have been very cold to me and have ignored me completely. I also feel sorry for my husband because he is caught in the middle of all of this and he is the one who has to deal with the tension from both sides.
As part of my New Year’s resolutions, I wanted to reach out to them and make peace so that we can all move on with our lives. I have since given birth to a healthy baby girl who is now one year old and they love her very much. Don’t you think it is time for all of us to move on? The $25,000 question, of course, is how do we do that?
— AMBER
Dear Amber,
I absolutely agree with you that it is time for everyone to move on. There is no use for anyone to carry this burden as all it does is make life more difficult for everyone concerned, especially your husband.
With regard to how you will do it, I suggest you just summon the courage and try to go and talk to your in-laws. Tell them that you are as sorry as they are about what happened and that you are sorry if they feel that you contributed in any way to what is obviously a very unfortunate incident. But you should also tell them that you want to move on and for the sake of your husband and your little girl, you really want to smoothen your relationship.
I think if you talk to them nicely and sincerely, you may be able to convince them to move on. The question is, should you bring your husband along when you talk to them? I think this will depend on everyone’s relationships with each other. Discuss the matter with your husband as he would know his relatives better than you would. Ask him for his advice. Then when the two of you have come up with some kind of strategy of how you will handle the situation, you can go ahead and try to execute your plan.
Good luck and just remember that it never hurts to reach out to others to try to make peace. Sometimes you might be surprised that the other side wants to reach out to you just as much as you do. Usually, someone just has to take the initiative.
Sincerely,
NANAY
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JUGGLING PARTIES OVER THE HOLIDAYS
DEAR NANAY,
Another holiday season has come and is about to finish and I am sure we are not the only ones with this problem. Every year we do not know how to juggle our schedules because there are family parties everywhere. My family has dinner on Dec. 24 and so do my in-laws. My cousins traditionally get together for lunch on Dec. 25 but my wife’s family also hosts a big family reunion for Christmas Day brunch. Every New Year, my family again hosts a traditional dinner on Dec. 31 but my wife’s family likes to go out of town for New Year.
Nanay, every year, we cannot please everyone. There are always people who end up feeling hurt and are always making parinig that we are prioritizing one family over the other. The truth is, we just do not know what to do and we are just tired of running from one party to another. Sometimes my wife and I just want to leave the country for the entire holiday season to avoid offending people. We just want to tell everyone that we cannot go to any parties or lunches or dinners because we are starting our own family tradition ...we will be out of the country every Christmas and every New Year from now until forever!
— ANDY and ANDY
DEAR ANDY and ANDY,
I completely understand where you are coming from and AS unfortunately you and many others have undoubtedly discovered, there is no easy answer to your predicament. Short of just endlessly running from party to party or “starting your own tradition,” I really cannot think of any solution as family traditions are very difficult, if not sometimes impossible, to break.
Perhaps what you can do after these holidays is to make a plan for 2011. The two of you need to sit down and come up with a schedule that you as a couple can live with. Obviously, there will have to be compromises. But just come up with a plan that you are comfortable with and one that you think all your relatives can also live with.
As a couple, talk to all your relatives one by one and explain to them your situation. Tell them the stress that you go through every holiday season and in spite of your efforts to try and please everyone, you just end up disappointing them. And then tell them that what you intend to do starting in 2011 is to “manage expectations.” You will tell them exactly what you are going to do so that nobody will feel that you have chosen to make one party more important than another and that everyone will know exactly which parties you are going to, for how long you will stay, and where you will be at what time. Then tell them your plan. Do not allow them to have any input.
Just tell them that this is what you will do starting with the holiday season of 2011. Do not let them contribute anymore. Kapag ginawa ninyo iyon, hindi kayo matatapos kasi lahat ng tao may kanya-kanyang agenda (If you do that, there will not be an end to the discussion because everybody has his own agenda). Just make a plan and stick with it.
Sincerely,
NANAY