When a friend is secretly in love with you
DEAR NANAY,
I have a “boy friend” as in a friend who’s a boy. He is very close to me but I do not like him in a “boyfriend” way. I just want us to be friends. Recently, I have noticed that he has been more pa-simple with me. He will occasionally hold my hand or put his arms around me. Honestly, I do not mind. But my best friend told me that my “boy friend’s” best friend told her that he is secretly in love with me already.
Oh no! What do I do? I do not want to turn him down because I know he will get hurt and that will, of course, be the end of our friendship. But I do not want to say “yes” to him because I am not in love with him in that way. Help, Nanay!
— I have a boy friend
DEAR I HAVE A BOY FRIEND,
First of all, you have to be very careful. You are assuming he is in love with you based on something told to you by your best friend who heard it from your “boy friend’s” best friend. Medyo maraming pasa iyon (that’s too far from the source). And for all you know, what was told to you is not exactly accurate. “News” has a way of changing whenever it is passed from person to person. So I would take that with a grain of salt.
So what will you do? Maybe you should not do anything. If the only thing that is making you uncomfortable in the relationship is that little bit of news you heard, then maybe you should just do your best to disregard that bit of news and just go on enjoying each other’s company. Now if you are honestly starting to get the feeling that he is courting you or trying to take it to the next level, then that would be a different story because that would be firsthand information. When that time comes, then perhaps you need to make a decision regarding your future together. But in the meantime, if the alleged rumor is all you have, maybe you should not jump to conclusions right away.
Sincerely,
NANAY
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Outgrowing a friendship
DEAR NANAY,
Good day to you! Thank you for reading my let-ter. We always look forward to your practical advice and insights.
My letter is about a friend whom we shall call “Lenny.” She and I were officemates. We used to be so close not only because we are the same age, but also because we loved going to rave parties and clubbing almost every week. We would drink till dawn and have crazy and wild antics. But, later, she resigned.
I went on with my life, met new friends and took up new hobbies. Now in my mid-30s, I am at the stage of my life wherein I have established my true identity, which is quite far from the party-girl phase of my life. Lenny and I kept in touch but we hardly saw one another and when we would meet, she would always want to party. At first, it was okay but, eventually, I found myself getting bored of it. It even came to the point that I found her ways to be so immature and shallow. I have tried changing our hook-ups to just having coffee or a quiet lunch, but she would find them boring and we would end our get-together with awkward silences and forced conversations. It almost felt like we didn’t even have anything in common to start with. Perhaps, somewhere along the way I outgrew that party-girl life. However, up until now, she still craves and enjoys that life. It’s as if being a party girl is who she was and will always be. I want to respect that but I just don’t want to have anything to do with it anymore. Ending our friendship has crossed my mind many times. My fiancé used to tell me that I should stop sacrificing myself all the time for those who won’t do the same for me.
Lately, I find myself passing up many of her invites to those “in” parties and best raves. On the rare times that I would accept her invitation, my night would always ends in regret because I felt bored and irritated with the boisterous crowd.
Is there some way of resuscitating our friendship? It is so tiresome to always be the one to adjust to the nightlife when I am a morning person already. Should the solution be to end it? How do I end it without hurting her feelings? Why does breaking up with a friend have to be more difficult than breaking up with a boyfriend? — AGATHA
DEAR AGATHA,
I am not sure that there is a need to resuscitate your friendship. I think you are just in different phases of life and you are changing priorities while she is not. Iba lang ang mga pinag-kakaabalahan ninyo (you’re busy with different things). She cannot relate to your life and you cannot relate to hers. And maybe that is why you have nothing to talk about, but this doesn’t mean you have to stop being friends.
Not everything you do needs to be a quiet lunch or a rave party. There are so many things in between. Perhaps you can find something else you can do together. Go to the gym? Play a sport? Spend time with other friends so there is not so much pressure on the two of you? And if that doesn’t work then maybe you should consider just giving things a rest for a little while. You do not have to spend time with each other all the time for you guys to be friends. For example, you know how it is when you see old friends whom you haven’t seen in years and it seems like things have not changed and parang walang lumipas na panahon (like time hasn’t passed)?
Just let things lie low. There is no need to end anything. You can stay in touch through something less personal like e-mail, text or Facebook where you will not be pressured into one or two hours of continuous conversation. And then, at some point, she will probably also outgrow the party scene and then maybe your lives can be more connected again.
Whenever she invites you to a party, just say that rave parties are no longer your thing but if there is anything else she wants to do to please give you a call. I do not think that this is an “all or nothing” proposition. That you have to spend time together or not be friends at all. Parang hindi tama iyon (that doesn’t sound right). There is still a lot of gray area in the middle and I think that is where you should be.
Sincerely,
NANAY
