Hayden Kho seeks the scent of redemption

MANILA, Philippines – PHILIPPINE STAR: You were gone for a long time. When was your last public appearance?

HAYDEN KHO: I think the last time I was seen on TV was at the Senate hearing. They would see me during the court hearings. It was my birthday when I made the headlines of two newspapers — The Philippine STAR and Inquirer. That was the birthday gift of those who released it. When I woke up on my birthday, May 20, headline na ko. The last time I was seen briefly on TV was last August.

How did it feel being in the headlines?

It’s a good thing I’m the kind of person who forgets the emotions I used to feel before. But at that time, I felt so humiliated and hopeless.

Do you feel that you deserved it?

It was like I went through different stages. First, there was a lot of anger — I was even mad at God — and a lot of blaming, finger-pointing. I think it’s the normal process — first, “Bakit nyo ginagawa ’to? Bakit kailangang idamay nyo pa ang ibang tao? Kung galit kayo sa akin, tayo na lang (Why did you do this to me? Why did you have to drag other people into it? If you’re mad at me, let’s settle the score between us).” And then there was a period of peace, of calm, and then slowly I went into depression. And then peace and calm again.

How did you find peace?

At that time, I really isolated myself. I didn’t talk to anyone, but I didn’t leave town. There were very few people who really reached out to support me. It was really unexpected. There were my classmates from high school, a co-worker, a friend from college.

We heard that many of your classmates in medical school say you’re actually a good person. They want to see you soon.

I’m really not a bad person. I don’t remember hurting, harming anyone.

What’s the worst thing you think you have ever done or been dragged into?

Other than this one (the videotape scandal)? I don’t really remember anything of that nature. It’s not my nature to be violent or to even be confrontational or argumentative. In fact, I’m such a people pleaser, ayoko talagang nakikipagaway. I like to consider myself as a very sweet person, like one Valentine’s Day I remember — I was president of the Makati Med Interns in 2005 — I bought a lot of balloons and gave one to each of the female doctors. My car was loaded with balloons they wouldn’t fit so they were coming out of the car. People were clapping as my car passed by.

What I’m saying is I’m not a violent person. I don’t remember having an enemy. Except one time, but it was fraternity-related.

In the book Strengths Finder by Tom Rath, mine is more of empathy, connectedness … it’s always more emotional. In fact, I’ve been going for psychotherapy and my psychologist said I have to balance things because I’m a very emotional person. Like when you talk to me, all I hear is the emotion behind the words. I don’t really hear the facts.

Have you ever been hurt in the past?

So many times. Yes, due to love. The first love is always the one that hurts.

How old were you when you had your first love?

I was already 18 when I first had a girlfriend. She was from Grace Christian College, where I went for high school. It was a very conservative school, a coed school, but we were far from the girls. I was part of the morning fellowship every day, I was the music chairman, I was leading prayers. Funny, I was even preaching.

And then I went to college at UST (University of Santo Tomas College of Medicine), it was a different religion from Grace Christian, which is a Born Again school. UST is a Catholic school, medyo I experienced a culture shock.

How many girlfriends did you have before Vicki (Belo)?

Three serious girlfriends.

Did you ever think of getting married?

Yes, with my first and third girlfriends. My relationships lasted an average of one year and seven months. The longest was two years and one month.

You said you took up Medicine because your dad is a doctor. You’re his junior.

It was like he brainwashed all his children to become doctors. I was the only one who pursued Medicine, I’m the fourth of five children. I guess I’m the most diligent. My mom says I’m the most masipag of her children. The thing about me is I’m a bull, I’m very driven. If I have a goal, I’d do everything to achieve that goal. Sometimes, the goal is wrong.

I almost became a Gemini. I was born 11 p.m. of May 20, one more hour and I would have been a Gemini. It’s funny because Gemini is dual personality and then I have Taurus, it’s confusing: What’s this? Triple personality?

When we had the pictorial at your place, we were looking at your books, and then you said, “Where’s that book on suicide?” Did you ever have thoughts of committing suicide?

Ay, no, no, no! I’m a very emotional person, there’s this post secret book, it’s all postcards. It’s not all about suicide. It’s about people who can’t voice out their emotions so they put them in postcards. Before, I wrote everything in my journals. But they’re all gone, I’ve been burned so I don’t keep anything of my past anymore. I threw them all away after they took all my computers, hard drives, all my journals, everything about me. So since then, I have not kept anything about my past. Now, I only try to keep my integrity so I have nothing to hide.

How did you find strength? You said first there was anger, then blaming, then peace.

I went on a very long retreat. I was gone for four months. It was a semi-religious retreat. First here and when I got back home, I went straight to Arizona for a month. There, it was more of meditation. Every day, from morning till evening, we were just meditating for two weeks. It was a desert. We were a group of seven strangers from all over the world. They were there to seek healing — some suffering from depression, some had marital problems, some were okay and they just went there to be centered. I spent my birthday there.

Hayden with Luc Malfait, president of Takasago Perfume Laboratory Paris, He also trained at the Osmotheque International Perfume Conservatory in Versailles under re-nowned perfumer Yves Tanguy.

What did that one-month session teach you?

I learned to be centered again, to be more balanced. I’ve come to discover a lot of things about myself, what I’m really like.

And what are you really like?

I think I’m a people pleaser, that’s one of my weaknesses. I know that I’m a very emotional person. I’m very empathetic. I also know that I have a lot of insecurities even way before. You must understand that I grew up in a family where my dad and my mom were not really demonstrative.

What else have I discovered about myself? I know I’m very driven, I know I’m a very spiritual person — not religious but very spiritual. I also know that in order to think properly, I need space. And lastly, I know I’m the type of person who likes going home. Some people like going out. I’d rather go home, I don’t want to waste my time when I’m tired.

The other thing I learned there is the importance of meditation, to be centered. I’m still struggling, sometimes I can’t meditate well and then it’s so noisy here and there are so many things to do, but I try, especially with Vicki’s help. She always encourages me to try to meditate. But it’s hard compared to if you’re in a place like a desert and you don’t have to think of anything — there’s no cell phone signal, it’s very easy to meditate, you can almost hear God’s voice.

Where do you get your strength now?

From friends and from God. As Martin Luther King said, “It is not the voice of my enemy that hurts me but the silence of my friends.” It was so painful at that time. Naubos lahat ng friends ko. But there were a few — I can count them with my fingers — who really reached out. Some were unexpected; all of a sudden, they would call. Like my friend Bernard whom I hadn’t seen in six years. He’s a good businessman and because I was jobless, he said he’d help me with whatever money I had left, he’d make it grow.

And then my family was very supportive and protective as well as my lawyers. Atty. Lorna Kapunan was very motherly, she didn’t just treat me like another client, she treated me like her own son. Whenever there were business opportunities, she would introduce me to her clients.

I had two female friends, Joey Umandap and Karen Lipana, and then, of course, Vicki. And that’s the weirdest thing because if there was one person whom I hurt the most, it was Vicki. And yet she was there, I felt really loved.

What did this experience teach you?

All emotions are very capricious. Today, you feel anger; two days later, you just laugh at it. For me, emotions are not true, but love is. Love is the only thing that’s true.

How would you describe your present state of mind and heart?

I feel I’m still in a fighting mood — fighting to keep my sobriety and fighting, I guess, to triumph over the obstacles. I still have a lot of things to prove and I still have to make amends with a lot of people, and I’m still trying to be a beacon of hope for people who are like me.

Do you feel you’re also a victim here?

I used to feel that way. But that’s a useless feeling, you will just put yourself down, and you will feel more depressed. So I learned to be more positive — of course, with a lot of help from other people. But there are days when it’s really hard, I feel depressed, and then I withdraw to my cave again and I don’t talk to anyone. I just lock myself up in my condo, where there’s nobody I can talk to.

What was the best lesson you learned from all this?

A lot, but let me cite the top three lessons. Number one is God is the best ally and prayer is the best weapon. I don’t think I would have survived that onslaught if there wasn’t somebody that I trusted.

Number two: This one is kinda hackneyed but true — Love conquers all. To other people, this may not mean anything anymore, but to me, it means the whole world.

And the third is: You don’t need that many friends; you need just a few who are really sincere and who really care about you. That’s what I have now, I only have a few friends. I was kidding my manager Jojie Dingcong, we were at Carrefour in Paris buying some chocolates for Christmas. I said, “It’s also okay not to have friends. I don’t have to buy Christmas gifts for anyone.” Before, when I’d go abroad, I would spend a lot of time buying things for my friends. Because I wanted them to experience what I was experiencing, to see what I was seeing.

How many friends do you have now? Can you count them with your 10 fingers?

I think nine or 11.

What were the touching things your friends did for you?

Most of them are girls, my two best friends now are girls, aside from Vicki. Vicki remains to be the most important person in my life and you can quote me on that. When I was in the pits, what touched me was that simple act of friends visiting me almost every day and making sure I had somebody to talk to; always reminding me of how things can change, to remain positive.

What was the worst thing you thought of doing?

Suicide would be the worst. I did make an attempt (that landed him at Makati Medical Center) in December 2009. This was my first suicide attempt — I took 30 tablets of Valium (10 are supposed to be fatal). When I woke up, I was already in the basement (of Makati Med). I didn’t want to see any of these things happen, I didn’t want to feel that humiliation and other people’s rage.

The video scandal broke out in May, there were several people trying to extort money from me. They said, “If you don’t give us P4 million, we’ll release the tapes.” Of course, I said no. It’s a digital copy, I don’t know these people. And it came out the day before my birthday.

If your suicide attempt had been successful, what would have been the most prized possession in your last will?

I have listed my watches and assigned who gets what. I guess my most prized possession, the most personal, is my bracelet. It’s a bracelet that I made when I was in Los Angeles. I assembled it. There are six colors and there’s another band in black and white to balance it. It bears three letters: HIS. H means humility, I is integrity, S is service. Put them together, it’s HIS, it means you are His, you are God’s child. In everything, there should be balance so there’s white (truth), yellow (positive thinking), red (what you feel), green (creativity), blue (organize your thinking), black. It’s based on the book Six Thinking Hats by Edward de Bono. Before, when I was still sitting as marketing head at Belo, I gave everyone that book so whenever we conducted meetings, I’d tell them, “Can you put your red hat on this? How do you feel about this project?”

What happened after the suicide attempt?

I begged for them to let me out of the basement so I could spend Christmas with my family. In January-February, I had my depression phase. February-March, I was recovering, but then May came and the video came out. After that, every day for one whole year, up to December last year, I was always in the news. I was being bombarded, my family was being insulted, I was being called so many names, so many things. 

What was the worst thing said about you?

What hurt most was when some media people said, “Nagmana ako sa magulang ko. Ganyan kasi ang magulang nya (I took after my parents. Because his parents are also like that).” That really hurt. If you attack me, I can take it because I’m the type who forgets about emotions. But when they said, “Yung tatay yan kasi ganyan din, yung nanay yan sira ulo.” That was really foul. I think that was the thing that destroyed me most. They dragged my whole family into it.

That’s why I stopped watching TV. My character was really slaughtered. On TV, ang sakit, but when I’m in public, when I go to the malls, hindi naman. Yes, girls still want their pictures taken with me. I think for them, everything that happened was like a teleserye, I was just one of the main characters and now, that teleserye is over.

How do you handle it?

I stay away from it because I know it spells trouble. Sometimes, I experience some weakness, depending on my mood. I respond a little. But now, I’m stronger, I’m getting better at evading potential trouble.

At what point did you decide to move on? Katrina Halili is back in showbiz, she has moved on.

It took me a while because I focused on myself for a long time, trying to get to know myself better because I got lost. When I was in med school, I knew what I wanted, I wanted to be a doctor, to lead a very simple life. I knew I wanted to be richer than my dad, to bring my family to places they’ve never been, to really give back, and make them really proud of me. But when I entered showbiz, my life changed, my priorities changed, I was not building anything long term, everything was instant gratification. I didn’t know what I was doing anymore. I was just happy because I could get everything I wanted. Everything just came so easy and so fast. I became famous, I was always on TV, money came easy. Coming from a very sheltered home, my whole life really changed. It was too much, too soon.

When you see Katrina again, how would you feel?

I want to tell her we’re fighting a battle where nobody wins.

If you had your way, how would you like this to end?

I want this to end in peace. I’m trying to make amends with everyone and I want everything to go back to normal or maybe even better than what it used to be. We both learned from our mistakes. I’m sure people who watched us and saw our experiences would have learned a lot from us. I always tell myself, “Sana ’wag masayang ang experience namin, sana ’wag maulit ang mga ganung pagkakamali.”

Now, I feel I know what true love is. It means caring for each other and not hurting each other. It means growing together, it means open and honest communication. But the most important is enjoying each other’s company. Of course, there will be days that are not pleasant. But if you look at the person and try to remember why you loved her in the first place, you will feel the love again.

Do you ever see yourself as getting married?

Hmmmm… Can I tell you a secret? Promise me you’re not going to tell anyone.

What would you do for love?

I would die for love. I love unconditionally. I’m very obsessive, I want the girl to have a very distinctive and unfamiliar experience all the time. Such as giving her flowers at a most unexpected moment, or surprising her with a meal I myself cooked.

If somebody offered to make a movie of your life, would you agree?

Not until I’m ready. I won’t close my doors on showbiz. But now, I’m not ready yet to go back to showbiz.

Would you say you’re fully healed?

No, I know it’s going to be a very, very long process. So far, I’m celebrating my ninth month of sobriety. Okay naman ako. I opened a business, a bar in Quezon City November-December last year. But I divested from it because I’m trying to stay away from that kind of lifestyle — drugs, girls.

Before showbiz, you started as a model, modeling was your first public exposure.

I was 15 when I first modeled. I was asked to replace a model who couldn’t make it to the show. I was very tall (6’3”), very lean, kalbo. That was 15 years ago. And then, some designers — Frederick Peralta was one of them — saw me and they asked me to model. And then they asked me to join Body Shots. JR Valentin won. After that, I did other modeling stints but only during summer vacations because my priority was school. But before Body Shots, when I was in Pre Med (Med Tech) at UST, they asked me to represent the College of Pharmacy in the Mr. UST contest and I won. As much as possible, I try to keep this a secret.

Before Medicine at UST, Pitoy Moreno discovered me; I modeled for him and we went to many countries like Japan, Korea, US. One time, a Singaporean designer saw me so I went to Singapore and stayed there for a month or two to model.

After finishing Medicine, I took up my internship at Makati Med, and then I took the board — that time, 2005, I got to know Vicki. We met at a beauty contest, we were both judges. I didn’t know how she looked like, but I looked up to her because she was a renegade, she changed the beauty landscape. I like innovators, people who think out of the box. We exchanged numbers and I asked her if she could show me around her clinic and what’s there for people who want to be cosmetic surgeons. She’s very entertaining, very funny, a genius, sobrang talino. I like watching people, observing them, learning from them.

You have a very tasteful condo.

I personally laid it out, planned it. Actually, it reflects my personality. I’m very organized — all my books are in one area (meticulously arranged by topics), I know where to pull out everything.

Fashion models were saying that during one modeling stint in Osaka, you were the leader, the organizer. Pitoy Moreno picked you to be the group leader.

Yes, Mang Pitoy assigned me to be the leader. I was the leader but not really a leader because I wasn’t the bossy type. I was very earnest. Para akong boy scout. It’s like that movie Up, I’m like that little boy always ready to help.

My place is really very organized, all my interests are there, like mechanical things, books I read — human interest, religion, art.

What are your favorite books?

I like the book The Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire by Deepak Chopra. I also like Thick Face, Black Heart (The Warrior Philosophy for Conquering the Challenges of Business and Life) by Chin-Ning Chu. And my third would be The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery. Everytime I read it, the meaning changes. In fact, I have a pop-up book of this.

What are you reading now?

I’m reading now The Scent of Desire by Rachel Herz. I just finished a book on the mistakes of perfumery. Now, I’m focusing on perfumes, I want to learn perfumery. There’s no legitimate perfumer here in the Philippines. I’m hoping I’d be the first one.

So, you have really moved on?

Yes, with a lot of encouragement from people like Greg Banzon who’s with RFM. He’s a very smart business strategist. He looked at several business options for me, but I told him I hoped it would be beauty-related because I like watching people, I’m a very visual and kinesthetic person but more touchy. We looked at many beauty products and finally zeroed in on perfumes. Fortunately, he’s had a lot of experience with perfumes, he did the market research, and walked me through it all. He’s now mentoring me.

Is this perfume being launched by the Belo Medical Group?

No, this is a totally different company that Greg and I set up. The name of the company is Inovacao da Vida, Inc., it’s Portuguese which means innovation of life. It holds a special meaning because for me, you can change your life, you can innovate life. You’ve probably done a lot of wrong things in the past, but you can change things and make life better.

How did you start learning about perfumes?

I started learning the business first, that’s the boring part. I’m the type who really gets obsessed when I get into something. So I bought and read all the books I could find on perfumes. My house is full of books on perfumes. I researched where I could learn more and train my nose. I realized that the art of fragrance is not yet here in the Philippines. So we went to Paris because our partners are French perfumers. We collaborate with them because we don’t know anything. I told them I really want to get into this, to be the first legitimate perfumer in the Philippines. I asked them if they could train me. They were very gracious and I trained under Arnaud Roche who’s coming during the launch. He taught me the art of fragrance creation, the concepts, the different trends in marketing. I stayed in Paris for two weeks. I couldn’t stay longer because I’m on the watch list here, I have to ask permission everytime I leave the country.

And I read a book, which became my inspiration. There was a girl who went to Osmotheque, an international conservatory for perfumes in Versailles, where they stock all the perfumes that have been created in the whole world since 1611. She goes there every once in a while just to smell the fragrance that her mother used. Her mother had passed away and she wants to remember her mom by smelling the fragrance she used. Here, you can see the link between fragrances and emotions. As much as you can’t explain your emotions, it’s also hard to explain a fragrance, you can’t put it into words.

I called Takasago (Fragrance Creation Center in Paris) and asked them if they could hook me up with Yves Tanguy, who’s the professor of fragrance creation in Versailles. So I trained there. It was a very memorable experience. We were smelling the creations of Coty, Chanel No. 5, etc. Ang galing! All the raw materials for fragrances were there. They taught us and tested us. I can’t say I’m an expert though, I’m not yet a nose. But I’m learning and training, and hopefully, someday, I will fulfill my fantasy of being the first perfumer in the Philippines.

One perfumer said that every year, 100 new scents are born. Today, there are how many?

Thousands. Arnaud said customers are bombarded with fragrances that are very familiar, very common. When I sent them the brief, I said I wanted a collection that’s very unfamiliar and distinct. The mother brand is called Hayden and there are 13 variants (six for males, six for females, and one special edition). I only have four differentiators: The first is the person Hayden — somebody who invites controversy, also polarizing — and my passions. The second is the Paris perfumers, this is a Parisian creation. We focus on giving a high-quality, first-class product and making it affordable here. The third is personality dimensions. We were able to separate fragrances into six categories: classic, sexy/seductive, wholesome, sporty, romantic, fashionable. The fourth is the packaging/presentation, because this is a product where we take our users into an experience — from the time they buy the perfume to the time it’s put in a box, a ribbon is put on the box, and it’s put inside a paperbag and another ribbon is put on it. We take you through this whole ceremony of gift-giving. At the same time, our fragrance ambassadors are there to educate, explain the concept of the fragrances to our customers.

So, when we smell the Hayden perfume, we can smell you?

There’s a special edition called Amberwoods and Rose Petals, it’s in black. That represents me, what I’ve been through, and the triumph that I aim to achieve.

How affordable are your scents?

The 100ml is only P680; the 50ml, P460; and we have tall PETs that are only P280 per 120ml. And the bottles are very nice, very classy. I realized that we have cheap perfumes and then we have the expensive imported ones; there’s nothing in between. So we’re building a new price category. I guess for me, the ideal customer would be someone who wants to smell good and really make a lasting impression but doesn’t have the money to buy an imported brand.

We will have our own kiosks in the malls, we will also be available at Watsons.

How do you see yourself 10 years from now?

If you noticed, I’m building things that are long term — business, relationships, family, friendship. Ten years from now, I’d like to see myself as a triumphant person, with one or two children, married of course, living a very comfortable life here in the Philippines.

And maybe write a book on your life, your experience, your healing?

I will do that if all this is past because there’s no redemption if there’s no triumphant story. I’m just in the middle of the story.

So you’re looking for redemption now?

Personally, I want to be able to triumph over my challenges, my obstacles, my own fears. I’m not as bad as people think, as what media paints me to be.