Party Pilipinas! Party lists of henpecked husbands, queridas, leftists & the left-handed

MANILA, Philippines - Take our politicians: they’re a bunch of yo-yos. — Nobel Prize-winning writer Saul Bellow

The old parties are husks, with no real soul within either, divided on artificial lines, boss-ridden and privilege-controlled, each a jumble of incongruous elements... — Theodore Roosevelt

Enjoying the wonderful new CD “KC” by KC Concepcion given to me by Sony Music, one of my questions to the young singer-actress was her assessment of the elections. Over lunch in Makati, KC smiled and replied: “I really hate politics… although I know both politics and showbiz are in my blood.” She also expressed hopes for a good election.

I believe most of us have a visceral hatred of bad politics, not politics per se. Though this writer’s fantasy is to be Dictator-in-Chief of our fiesta republic in order to decisively cleanse our society of bad politics, I still have faith in democracy as the best system for our isles and this faith will not be diminished by the chaotic, inefficient and low IQ level of our many politicians.

The great British statesman Winston Churchill said: “Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others.” I agree!

This writer is aghast at the way many government leaders (and also the extreme radical leftists) have bastardized the party-list system in our elections. Instead of it helping give voice to genuine marginalized sectors in Congress, crooked politicos and no less vile partisans of the communists have cynically abused this system to pad our legislature with what I believe to be many spurious party-list groups led by their own congressional bets.  

Surveys show that 60 to 70 percent of us voters are not even aware of the party-list system, and there are now 187 party-list groups lined up for the May 10 polls. Do not be deceived by fake party lists!

On presidential son Mikey Macapagal Arroyo giving way to his mom President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo for the congressional seat of Pampanga (although he’s coming back to Congress as a representative of a party-list group for security guards), Harvard-schooled senatorial bet Atty. Adel Tamano asked: “Why Mikey Arroyo? What’s the connection? Has he even played a security guard on film during his short-lived showbiz career? The party-list system is being abused!”

Perci Cendaña, an assistant of senatorial bet and Ateneo cum laude graduate Risa Hontiveros-Baraquel of Akbayan Party/Liberal Party, told this writer that they were recently surprised to see in Antipolo some posters of this party list: “Anak: The Real Fighters of Beggary” (sic!). They’re not yet in office, but they’re already butchering the English language! I would have this group disqualified immediately for bad grammar! In stark contrast, the Ang Ladlad party list of gays is led by Palanca-winning Philippine STAR columnist and Ateneo professor Danton Remoto, so we can be certain he won’t mangle the English language or trash logic.

I’ve no quarrel if balut (fertilized duck egg) vendors want to join our clowns in Congress, but please allow real balut vendors to represent themselves. I’m incensed to read that First Gentleman Mike Arroyo’s sister Ma. Lourdes Arroyo became a congresswoman of Kasangga claiming to represent micro-entrepreneurs like balut vendors. The last time I checked with my suki ambulatory balut vendor on the street, he’s never heard of Arroyo or Kasangga. Is it a fraud?

Last year, a group of sabungeros or cockfighting aficionados cockily registered as a party-list group; what cock and bull is that? Why such travesty of democracy? If I were Dictator-in-Chief of this republic, I’d deep-fry all their cocks and host a real fried chicken party!

Party lists for bell-dancers, kulasisi, Under the Saya,

violinists, GMA Fans

In one of my reveries while sleeping at night, I dreamed I was (yuck!!!) Comelec Chairman and was being deluged by endless groups applying for midnight insertions as party-list contenders for the May 10 polls. Here are the applicants and my unequivocal decisions:

Honest Politicos. Approved! Of course, you’re marginalized! You’re so few and an endangered specie in our crazy political jungle filled with wild pigs, crocodiles and other savage beasts.

Jueteng Lords. Disapproved! Are you retarded? You’re few but powerful and illegally wealthy!

Jueteng kubradors. Approved! You’re underpaid, uninsured and overworked!

Internet casino operators. Disapproved! You’re spreading like locusts nowadays. Philippine society has too many online casinos and other gambling joints under the present government. If we don’t stop, we might become a Gambling Republic instead of a Strong Republic!

Mothers-in-law. Disapproved! You are neither marginalized nor weak!

Optometrists. Okay! Can you cure leaders who are shortsighted or blind to the truth?

Optimists, Approved! Your ranks are so few and often under siege in our archipelago!

Comedians. Disapproved! There are already too many comedians in politics, no need for more!

Iglesia ni Chris Tiu Fan Club. Disapproved! You’re not few and not marginalized!

Sarah Geronimo and John Lloyd Cruz Fans. Disapproved! You’re legions, not marginalized!

Noranians. Approved! You’re probably becoming few, with Superstar Nora Aunor’s long absence.

Vilmanians. Disapproved! With the dynamic and good image of Batangas Governor Vilma Santos, you’re not marginalized, you might even already be stronger than President GMA’s dwindling Lakas ng Apog — oops, Lakas CMD Party. 

Sharonians Forever. Disapproved! There are so many Sharonians nationwide idolizing the respected Megastar, you’re not a minority and you’re surely not marginalized.

Movie producers. Approved! You’re so few, you all need to shape up with better-scripted films!

Hired assassins. Approved! You need social security too, and retirement benefits!

Sorbetes (native ice cream) vendors. Approved! What use are sunny days without ice cream?

Movie bold stars. Approved! You are few, marginalized and you might need to build your own old folks home soon if the SM cinemas maintain their “General Patronage” policy.

Poets. Approved! Show the hoodlums in Congress that the pen is mightier than their venom!

Call Center and BPO Agents. Approved! I’ve heard your group has so many psychosocial problems!

Violinists. Approved! Of course, you need representation in Congress, we need more music there instead of endless bickering and mindless babble!

Belly Dancers. Conditional approval, because belly dancing is a foreign tradition. Are your nominees natural-born Filipino citizens, or Iranian and Arab imports?

GROs. Approved! You need a legitimate labor union, social welfare and other benefits!

Bird Watchers. Approved! You’re an esoteric nature-loving group that is good for ecology.

Kulasisi Party List for Mistresses. Denied! Too hot to handle and might incite women’s revolt!

Classical Music Lovers. Approved! Nietzsche said: “Without music, life would be a mistake.”

Soccer Lovers and World Cup Fans. Approved. We’re so pitifully few in this NBA-crazy society!

Magsasaka ng Farmtown sa Facebook. Disapproved! You’re so many, you’re becoming addicts, too. Go out and plant real vegetables!

Under the Saya Party List for Henpecked Husbands. Disapproved, you’re way too many!!!

Kaliwete Party List for Left-Handed Folks. Approved, as long as you’re clearly not nangangaliwa (philandering) and not mga kaliwa (radical leftists)!

Flying voters. Disapproved! You should be marginalized and erased from the face of the earth!

Flagellants during Holy Week. Disapproved! Do good works and pray, not self-flagellate!

Abortionists Unlimited Party List. Denied! You’re not only illegal but also immoral. You shouldn’t be in Congress but in jail!

Dog-eaters. Denied a hundred times and you’re sentenced to the city dog pound!

Abu Sayyaf. Denied a thousand times! You should be marginalized and incinerated!

In Excelsis Gloria Macapagal Arroyo Fan Club. Approved! Why? You are already so few, and I believe that even if President GMA becomes a congresswoman, she won’t win as Speaker and that your group will forever be marginalized!

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Thanks for your letters, all will be answered. Comments welcome at willsoonflourish@gmail.com or at my Facebook account.