Rules of engagement

It looks like somebody sneezed and out came diamond rings. Everyone and their dogs, it seems, is engaged this year. Seriously, it’s like commitment-phobes are so 2009. In Korea some guy married his pillow and in Japan someone married a doll. Is this good news? Well, let’s just take it for what it is.

 De Beers started this whole mess for men. Aside from the bloodcurdling ritual of having to ask the parents for the bride’s hand (boys, you must do this to become men), now they have to cough up a ring, too. De Beers thinks of everything, though. In an effort to sell more diamonds and correct the price of the gems after an effload of mines were found, they came up with this: a male engagement ring that screams “Guido,” which is not really a bad thing if you’re a Jersey Shore fan. Then there’s a right-hand ring for all the single ladies with lots of disposable income.

 Women are just obsessed with this ring business. It’s like love comes by the carat. Blame US Weekly and their regular posts of celebrities sporting mafia bride rings for this skewed phenomenon. Like men with their cars, the ladies on the north side of 20 and south of 30 (the ages where this usually matters) can get catty with this business. “De Bitch” is what I call these hos.

 Being engaged is wonderful if you’re doing it for the right reasons — meaning you want lifelong partnership and not just a wedding. For the record, I am one of those touched by the diamond sneeze. I can’t be too smug about it because that would be De Bitch. However, making commitments in this selfish “me, me, me” era can make contrarians look like heroes. However, not everyone has the same reactions.

I have a friend who got engaged. Fell in love with a ring (very Lord of the Rings) and then ensued to freak out. “Is it normal that I’m skeezing?” she e-mailed me. Skeeze she did, for six months until her fiancé, who patiently scratched her back as she was having her Woody Allen moment, showed her that marriage can be quite wonderful. She finally set a date last month.

I loved her honest reaction to the whole thing. I mean, we have all these movies glorifying the pursuit of marriage (think Bride Wars). I mean, okay, after the Vera Wang, the haughty reception and the gifts, then what? Marriage is work, kids. This will be the person you will be loving and sparring with for the rest of your life. I don’t believe in divorce in general. Unless someone Chris Browns you or he’s gay, then you really have to stick it out. It effs up kids, pets and the general structure of society. I come from a family of divorcees, so I’ve seen the dark side of broken families. The Brady Bunch, it ain’t. Even the witty movie It’s Complicated shows shadows of all kinds of wrong. I can even probably semi-handle philandering (it happens, it’s a downer, but peel your eyes before taking the leap), but yup, he’s gonna pay for it for the rest of his life.

 Kids are another thing. They’re not pets. They are potential geniuses or serial killers; the genetic lottery may be providential or unkind. If there’s too much chlorine in the gene pool, brace yourselves. Plus you must fully know that the moment one pops out, you will not be owning your life for at least 18 years. Remember that line from Lost in Translation? My beau and I have a dog and we dedicate all our free time to making sure he’s the best-trained dog in the world. He’s so promising he can star in a commercial really soon. I’ve always wanted to be a stage mom. I mean, this dog alone consumes so much of our time. We fear what a child will take. I am so not taking the serial killer card.

 You see, everything your child does, even in adulthood, will always be your fault. Ask any shrink if you don’t believe me. They will remember ever shitty thing you did in their formative years and it will somehow justify their shady choices in life. Except for Oprah, maybe.

 I realize I’m using a lot of Blockbuster movies as references, which doesn’t really come off as credible or academic. So let me refer to a pop song now — Beyoncé’s highly manipulative Single Ladies:

’Cuz if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it,

If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it,

Don’t be mad once you see that he want it,

If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it.

Rilly? So the fear of bumping and grinding with another guy is the criteria preventing many a man from committing? Unfortunately, this is the M.O. of many women. Then there are those “rules” to follow to snag someone, for example a sage example from a women’s magazine in the US:

“Don’t Break These Rules:

“Following The Rules means letting him pursue you — not seeing him more than two or three times a week, refusing to go away with him on weeklong vacations, and not moving in with him or crowding him in any way. If you’ve done all these things, you’ve actually helped him fall in love with you and want to marry you. He wants more of you, not less. And you will sense his desire to include you in his world. Within a year, if not sooner, he’s figured out that he not only wants to marry you but has to marry you to see you more often, to really have you.”

Whatever happened to love? This rules crap is too complicated.

 I tell you, you’re only ready for marriage if you can watch Revolutionary Road and still want to kiss your partner afterward. Then you know you have it better than Kate Winslet.