How not to kill the romance

Have you ever wondered why couples from the golden era managed to stick it out? Today, with yoga, John Gray and imaginative honeymoon selections, post-modern lovebirds seem to implode like flies.

I can directly blame the Internet and Facebook (Flirtbook, F**kbook or simply time fellatio) to the demise of relationships. So many of my friends have been caught cheating on those comment boxes (so stupid!). As for the Internet, seriously, people know way too much of unheralded factoids. I oft misdiagnosed myself with curious ailments in several medical websites and the same can be said when you Google relationship quandaries and follow the advice of Cosmopolitan or Howto.com to somehow fix your life. I remember reading in one ridiculous recommendation to paint your room peach to elicit a sense of sensuousness and warmth, a very inviting shade for non-committal males. If Boysen can save your love life then what’s the problem?

I mean, seriously, people drank in the office during the days of poodle skirts, so I can just imagine the turmoil in those Updike and Yates times, it ached in its repressed veneer. Hello! Revolutionary Road guys! Well, divorce and unhappiness were taboo. The only difference now, this is cocktail-party small-talk material these days. 

But what makes a couple work?

I studied the most successful couples I know and this is what I noticed:

1.They still want to kill each other from time to time.

However, they have symbiotic relationships. They are partners in what they do together. Yes, I agree it’s a miracle when they work together and manage to still have a hearty home life. But more often than not, it’s good to have a bit of your own thing going on — this includes the daily serfing we do for our feudal lords of commerce. Also, never forget your friends in your single days. However, you are a team of two now. There’s a thin line between interdependence and codependence. The boundaries that are present in our modern thinking makes us architects to the Tower of Pieces if you know what I mean. Cultivate a life that just includes the two of you, whether it’s a morning ritual of walking together before going to work or having a requisite date night where you can talk just about you and your loved one. Sharing similar passions like movies, food and a love for history is enough to create a healthy bubble world. And no one is invited.

2. Share, please.

I know in the time of separate bank accounts (the best idea yet) we can get selfish easily. You know when you used to share rooms with your sibling and there was duct tape separating what’s his and yours when you were five can easily bleed into the love nest if you’re far too stringent. Fifty-fifty rhymes with thrifty-thrifty. There was this story in a short book on modern romances that I was reading way back when about a couple that decided to do that fifty-fifty thing. It worked out well in the beginning and they never squabbled about anything, felt neglected or taken for granted. Until one day the girl got majorly sick with the flu and the guy bought her medicine only to leave a receipt of what she owed him from the pharmacy. Now, that’s sick. Don’t kill the romance, children. Giving is a beautiful thing, and when you do it wholeheartedly you’ll be surprised at what it does to you. My friend once told me why she didn’t date cheap guys: “Material things are the easiest thing to let go of; if he has a hard time with that imagine how hard it is to let go of the more important things like time, understanding and honesty.” Generosity of spirit goes a long way.

3. Get involved in each other’s lives.

A wise woman once told me, “It’s good for couples to rely on each other.” As retro as this may seem, it is enriching. When you can trust each other with the little things in your daily lives, responsibilities in things both big and small, you learn to really integrate yourself in each other’s lives. Your interior life should be cozy and warm. Learning to be part of each other’s lives fertilizes respect and loyalty. The modern couples that do what they want and just meet up whenever seems like a cold 500 Days of Summer disaster. If you’re not ready to be part of someone else’s life, stick to drinking to your fabulosity in a bar. You should be in a relationship because you want to be part of someone’s life and not simply so you can have a date to events.

4. No free passes.

Seriously, a healthy relationship means being healthy. Over the years, I’ve seen these “party couples” — beautiful and hip people — crumble. Hysteric glamour as I call it. I have a friend who let her boyfriend go to strip clubs regularly after work until one day he dumped her for a stripper. Sow your wild oats, then get into a relationship. It’s a different kind of fun. You can’t act single and be coupled. Someone is bound to be roadkill on this one. My friend who has been a bachelor for seven years suddenly fell in love and he SMS’d me, “I just signed up for S&R membership, my life is over. “ But I knew he was giddy.

5. Don’t fight the hot.

Always make an effort to look good. Bubble world is all about embracing old-fashioned values such as graciousness, generosity, manners and beauty. I used to ogre it out in my single days. My mother used ask me, “With all the time you spend buying clothes could you at least do something with that face?” It was true, I rudely scared people with my bare face. My sister once told me she always wakes up an hour earlier than her beloved to do her hair and makeup. While I am not as ardent a siren, I have vowed to never scare my beloved without some cream blush and lipcreme (Chanel Rouge Laque in 77 does both jobs for me ). Plus, I never wear ratty clothes in front of him even if we are just going to work out (Stella McCartney should be beatified). That wearing-his-clothes thing is only for GQ shoots. Be a lady and you’ll be treated like one. Bra burners, kill me now.