Giant star

I haven’t stopped looking at the skies for the Big and Little Dippers. It’s a throwback from my childhood when I wished upon the first star I saw. One wish led to more wishes. Yet to reinforce positive communication lines with my star, I plucked the petals of any flower nearby and repeated: “He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.” Do you remember that? If it ended with “He loves me not,” didn’t we begin again with say another rose till it was “He loves me,” or pin-pointed another luckier star to wish upon again? After all, stars are nearer to God from where I am — as are His flowers. They’re all His creations, even if I drop the petals to the ground! My heart was filled with hope then… as it still is today.

I wonder, could my wishing star be the same one that once brightened Jesus’ manger? If the Magi believed in the star and found Jesus following it, could the stars find me too and shine good fortune on me, like he did for the Magi? That thought, that word “Magi,” reminded me of the Latin word “magis.” Near enough, right? The Jesuits came to my mind and how they practiced heroic leadership. To them heroic leadership, then and now, lay in motivating oneself to go above and beyond one’s performance by focusing on the richest potential of every moment. The Jesuits characterized it more simply with their motto, “Magis” — the restless drive to look for something more in every opportunity, confident that one will find it. It’s not the job that’s heroic; it’s the attitude one brings to it. Magis pops up all over the Jesuit world, a word that means “the more,” taken from “Ad majorem Dei gloriam,” a Latin phrase meaning “for the greater glory of God.” The philosophy of doing more, for Christ, and therefore for others. My grandson Alec Bautista will be so pleased with me; I wrote about his alma mater. 

Wishing on a star truly isn’t enough, I found out soon enough. Believe me, only if we fight for what we want in our world and rely on ourselves to work for it will we be rewarded. Remember our grade school notebooks, when we got 100 percent and that meant a gold or blue star? Proud parents we all had. I didn’t know it then, but it set a good example of perseverance, so we approached our work as the greatest enterprise in the world, with intensity of spirit! Till today, as a Maryknoller, I cheer on my mates. All of us have never given less than wholehearted service like Triccie Sison, Tatti Licuanan, Lydia Enrile. That’s why bosses like me become exasperated and disillusioned when we don’t get expected results. So I look up towards a star like a sea navigator. Should I chart another course? Retreat a while and listen to silence; feel the wind, watch the waves and enjoy the sense of freedom; plan new ambitions and pray for new successes? Should I, as the captain, replace my old course for a new vocation or travel a different route?

I used to remind my children to make lists on a piece of paper after dividing the paper into two columns. Before making every decision, write out the advantages and disadvantages. Should I become a chef? Yes, because I like to bake. No, because I don’t like dirtying my hands… Shall I make friends with my enemy? Yes, because the world carries enough hatred… No, because I’ve tried thrice to no avail. And so and so forth. Mind you, I told them to answer truthfully.

Didn’t Cinderella wish upon a star for her Prince Charming and didn’t she get one, humble as she was? Well, writing the pros and cons is still much better than just wishing. Remember what Judy Garland sang? “When you wish upon a star makes no difference who you are.” But it does make a difference when we pray before making a wish. I prayed for a new school site. The stars shone brightly on my favor and we won our cause. Everyone likes stories with happy endings. Ours ended well, so as the end of the year comes and angels on the altar seemingly blow their trumpets and sound their heartfelt greetings, it’s time to move on and meet the beginning of another uncertain 365 days! Only He knows how it’s going to turn out.

I dread to see the wrappings and ribbons in the trash balikbayan box we have on Christmas Day. It means an event and time has gone by, and worse when the decorations are removed and placed back in the storage room. Soon my family will have to say goodbye and the house will be empty without a little baby to carry and pass around from arm to arm. Many will feel like me. I say “See you sometime,” as MaiMai, Andrea and little Demi return to Italy. Who’ll fill my heart and renew my hope in happy reunions? The answer: Christ. He is with us for the Christmas season, and every day!

And me? I won’t dip into the valleys but ride on the crests of mountains as I feel moments of gratitude. I survived anger, tears, hurt feelings. I received the punches and now I say thank you with smiles — and who cares now about smirks? I learned my lessons anyway on how to safeguard myself; aside from that I learned seven things that will destroy us if we let pride overtake us: wealth without work, pleasure without conscience, knowledge without character, religion without sacrifice, politics without principles, science without humanity and business without ethics. I have gratitude for the gift of family, of children and grandchildren, of friends who replaced those who left. I’m old enough to say it’s time to let some things go by, yet not as old as those brilliant stars or their everlasting glitter.

Moments sweep by. I can’t stop the clock nor jump off the globe. Time rushes by to complete its cycle of 24 hours per day and night. Shall I wish upon a star and dance about, following them as they leave my sight? I’ll follow them and pray, as the universe ticks down the clock remaining with vivid pictures of the past, all memories in my mind of graduations and men in uniform, of secretaries running to and fro making memos, of travels to Jolo and Zamboanga City… How magnificent existence is. Now, if only I could breathe deeply enough and rise above the emotions which chain me to the pain of remembering.

I’m going to take a leisurely bath and wash away the grime of a disappearing year to nothingness. Remember, water can break a hard rock, and we are made of water, too!

My watch ticks away. I’m timing every worthwhile minute to remember and to dream. I need not follow rules to dream. I’m just complying with the positives of my existence, happy in my mind. I know I lived through 2009 the best I knew how.

With Jan. 1, a new year bursts into life and takes hold — amid cheers, even amid happy tears, amid kisses, amid hugs. All I can say is: Welcome, new life! I’ll face you.

Our family doesn’t dance, only I do. Mikee and China sing. Hardly do we enjoy wine. But we’ll raise just one glass and toast each other through midnight and go to sleep by 1 a.m. What regular folks we are! In the meantime I think, Ah, the moments weave on uninterrupted. And then, we hear a sudden cry from a grandchild. My ninth, Demetria Antonia Zini, little Demi, wants her mom’s breast. Thank God for motherhood. I thank the universe! 

Let the moon smile and the sun spread heat for little children — children who carry our legacy of hope.