Breakup psychosis

Anyone notice that crazy full moon last week? While some of us were gazing up at the skies, hoping to catch the lunar eclipse, some out there — the lovers and would-be lovers — were just literally barking at it. It’s probably no celestial coincidence, this full moon occurring right on the verge of Valentine’s Day. La lune has been known to have odd effects on lovers’ behavior, especially estranged lovers.

Call it “breakup psychosis,” a condition that becomes very pronounced during the ides of February, when un-hooked-up gals hold “Anti-Valentine’s Parties” together, get juiced and watch feminist-empowering chick flicks, preferably involving gals with guns.

Signs abound, during the Month of Love, that breakup psychosis is in the air. It’s that time of year when females take up dodgy “stripper” activities — like pole dancing or belly dancing — to get in touch with their sexuality, or maybe simply to prove that they’re (ahem) still hot. Often we’ve heard reports of gals who’ve taken up the pole to elicit attention from boyfriends whose interest may be flagging; unfortunately, they do this by inviting the BF’s male friends to sit and watch the pole dancing class, in the hopes that acting all KSP will spark jealousy and possessiveness from the BF; often, it just leads to a bad breakup, and the girl spending more solo nights with the pole.

There are symptoms of breakup psychosis in girls:

• When they show up uninvited at events where the loved one (also know as “the dumper”) is likely to be, such as product launches, record release parties and club concerts. The likelihood of being spotted out and about by the ex somehow outweighs the obvious social embarrassment attached to looking like a stalker.

• Rationalizing comments meant to suggest to gal friends what an independent, in-demand “social butterfly” the estrang-ee is, such as “Oh, I’m barely ever home so my water bill last month was, like, P10 …”

• A tendency to spin out of control without the sturdy anchor of a “significant other” in their lives. This leads to overexposure on the social scene, lack of a clear identity or over-reliance on gal pals who serve as mental mirrors. Words like “fierce” are used a lot. As Yeats put it in one of his poems, “The center cannot hold…”

• The amount of time spent Facebooking becomes a barometer of their mental health. Since Facebook (and other social networking sites) have become vast warehouses for all the mental junk in people’s lives, it’s no surprise that they have become relationship billboards, displaying how well — or how badly — someone is coping with a breakup. Clues: status updates that announce how happy, alive and free one feels; one too many pictures of the estrang-ee clutching a beer bottle; etc.

The Metro has given birth to many social settings where ladies (and some guys) afflicted with breakup psychosis tend to congregate. Usually these are clubs or bars, places where everybody knows your name (even if they tend to mutter it under their breath when you walk in). These social settings have become ad hoc lonely hearts’ clubs, where nocturnal microphone activities (let’s call it “Reboundeoke”) become perfect opportunities to trade sob stories while warbling Guns N’ Roses ballads. Note: Feeling like a rock star is a good way to work through the pain.

It must be said, not all gals look for female comradeship when finding themselves seat-less in the lovers’ game of musical chairs. As comedian Chris Rock has observed, “You know why women don’t rule the world? It’s because women hate other women.” True, some do become that desperate. Breakup psychosis leads to extreme measures. They will snatch another girl’s guy before the friend has come back from the powder room. As the sage Rock puts it: “If a guy introduces his buddy to his new girlfriend, when they walk away, his buddy goes, ‘Aw, she’s nice. I gotta get me a girl like that.’ If a woman introduces her new man to her girlfriend, when they walk away, her girlfriend goes, ‘I gotta get... him.’”

True, it’s not only girls who go into a tailspin when the romance is over. Guys do, too, though nothing as dramatic as John Cusack clutching a boombox blasting Peter Gabriel outside his ex’s window in Say Anything. (Man, that scene has a lot to answer for.)

The symptoms for guys are a little different. They tend to fall back on guy friends for drinking and support, but there are rules: talking about the ex in public, for instance, is generally frowned upon. Reeling around drunk, slurring the lyrics to Smiths songs is permitted, though. Some guys consider doing themselves harm when the breakup cuts deep but, like most actions in guys’ lives, these attempts are halfhearted — comical, even, in their failure — because guys somehow can never contemplate living life without… themselves. Still, a sign that a guy hasn’t let go: he refuses to delete an ex’s cell phone number from his contact list, “just in case.”

Sure. And hoping for the “good times” to come back makes about as much sense as barking at the moon or waiting for a lunar eclipse.