I am not the best single mom in town. I have my unpleasant share of musings of what I could have done better. It’s so different now. My parents didn’t spend much time with us — but I can remember we never answered back. We just obeyed. My father’s words were the rule of law.
I spent so much more time with my kids. I even nursed my older one until the age of three! And the younger one? Until the age of two. I really doted on them. I just wanted to be a good mother. So yes, I do wonder if that’s why sometimes I feel I am being taken for granted. Worries? I am learning not to.
I would definitely do some things differently knowing what I know now. So I can’t preach but I can talk about my experiences — of a work in progress…
A backgrounder: I split up from my ex-husband about 12 years ago. We were married eight years. Sona was my boss in Ananda Marga. There was never any gross infidelity. He did have a liking for someone. But he has always been very honest with me — sometimes in a childlike, naïve kind of way. Fortunately jealousy is not one of my character problems.
In hindsight, our split-up was significantly beneficial to both our growth. I feel he has become a much better person and a much better father. Ironically we got along much better living separate lives than when we were together.
After we separated, I felt the whole world open before me. I went into ballroom dancing. Then interestingly enough, I went into a host of spiritual or self development avenues starting with Zen meditation, then Stephen Covey, then Gary Zukav (the author of The Seat of the Soul), finally settling into the Clairvision School, which I like tremendously because of the functional value the techniques have on my work life, my family life and, of course, my personal life.
Key Reflections And Lessons From A Single Mom
Let me start with the most important — and it doesn’t look it’s going to be dislodged from this prime position anytime in the foreseeable future.
• The importance of inner growth. I have found that as I grow internally, I am better able to handle my children’s growth. The effect is direct. In fact, it is immediate. I meditate every morning for an hour to an hour and a half. My meditation is not a process of leaving the world. It’s a process of developing my subtle bodies — my inner space. I have found that working on myself has actually improved my relationship with my children. I can understand them better. I can feel them more. I can communicate with them better. And I am kinder on myself. Sometimes I think my children are my path to enlightenment, as they push my buttons and I struggle for equilibrium. It’s a work in progress but it’s awesome. The work on my inner self yields profound results that sometimes amaze even me. I think what happens also is that when I am well, the space in the house is just lighter, happier and more loving.
• It’s a very good idea to get along with your ex-spouse. A very, very good idea. It gives the kids a feeling of family. It’s just nice to have both parents loving each other and loving the kids — even if the relationship is no longer of husband and wife. It gives them a feeling of security. It gives them a better feel of the world in general.
• Work. Wow, that’s a tough one. Especially now that I have taken on the Pasig River. It feels like the intensity of my work life has increased. The first thing I’ve realized is that doesn’t help to feel guilty which, by the way, is one of my character flaws — beating myself on the head. Getting all tense and stressed about this work life-family life balance. What seems to be working for me is to keep a day in every week where it’s just the kids. Actually, the way it’s turning out now is that I need to demand and insist on my time with them. My kids are boys, ages 12 and 16, and the way it’s turning out is that if I don’t insist on my time I am going to be neglected!
I look back with nostalgia to the time when the kids were younger and we lived in a smaller house. I was very much into the Steiner form of education at that time so the kids were not allowed to watch TV. We would play hide and seek with the help almost daily after dinner. I would read to them. We would go biking on weekends in Alabang. My older son got into violin as part of his school curriculum. Hmmm…I remember even singing to them with a harp every night. Lighting candles and making wishes with our angels at night…sigh…those times have passed.
Now it is a problem to extricate them from their computer or the TV. We live in a bigger house where everyone has their own space. From the pollution of Pasig, we moved to a house surrounded by garden. It’s nice to live in nature, but I will admit living in close quarters does have its benefits.
I also admit I have the advantage of having the flexibility of determining my own schedule, which means as long as I know early enough I can schedule in parent-teacher meetings or any important school activity.
• The community. Single mom? I have now realized that the term may very well be a misnomer. Actually, I have really good help. Starting with my household. In the past we used to go on Sundays to the UP Sunken Garden and play touch ball or Frisbee. My younger son gets along really well with my gardener. They would team up against everyone else and relish the experience of demolishing us lesser mortals — sometimes to the tune of 15-2. He actually liked it that on the playing field his mother is no match for him.
It’s important to facilitate a community around the kids. So it’s not just me: it’s my help, also my brothers. My older son looks up to my brother Ernie, who heads ABS-CBN Publishing. Ernie is a super jock. And my son wakeboards. When I insisted that he cut his toe nails, he rebelliously pointed out that his uncle has dead nails, and deduced it must be a guy thing.
He resonates with his cousins, particularly Dani, who constantly teases him. My younger son gets along really well with Josh who is near his age. Beat, my brother-in-law, sometimes takes them snowboarding. I talk to them about their grandfather. I talk to them about the family tradition of nationalism and integrity. I feel this is important for their growth. I am also close to the parents of their friends. So there is a community in which they live that extends far beyond blood ties.
It’s not easy — this parenting thing. But it has its perks. I feel pleasure when my younger son displays a passion for the environment and a sensitivity to others. My heart swells when my older son displays a value-oriented perspective and an intellectual curiosity about the world. At the end of the day, if our kids can have the courage to spread their wings and fly, if they can have the moral foundation to live their lives by — those are authentic and meaningful goals to aim for. That’s why how we live our lives is so important.
I look at myself. I still look at my father, and I still look at my mother, and the kind of people they are. And the fact of who they were and are continues to be an influence on my life.
So being a single mom is more than just scheduling, and balancing and doing — it’s who you are. If you continue to be authentic and true, the love that comes from that space doesn’t suffocate or dominate. It nurtures just by the very sense of its being. If we can get there, we are more than halfway through, whether we have a partner or not. The rest are just details.
* * *
I can be reached at regina_lopez@abs-cbn.com.