One night in February 2008 (three months before I was to get married), we were on the balcony of my condominium unit, 20 floors high, when Johann, my best friend (and best man), blurted out, “Getting married is not the end of the something; it’s the start of something.”
We had been reminiscing about our carefree childhood (we became friends literally while we were in our diapers back in Cainta where our mothers lived and were best friends themselves before we were even conceived). We were also comparing notes on our life now as nearly-30-year-old adults, with its responsibilities, accountabilities, and stress.
What he said was true — from a guy’s standpoint. When a guy thinks of marriage, he thinks he’s getting tied down and giving up his freedom ... forever. In fact, I once saw a guy wearing a shirt that had a cartoon image of a bride and groom, with the words “Game over” below the image. Funny but somehow true.
Was I giving up my freedom forever? Would I no longer be able to go out with my barkada, or bike, run, and swim whenever I liked? What if I wanted to “play the field” and see what was out there? Was getting married the end? Was it truly “Game over”?
Marriage is indeed the end of some things. I now had to answer to someone (to Cookie) and be responsible for that person. I now couldn’t just go home late whenever I liked, or go to places without telling my wife. Yes, in a sense, I wasn’t as free as before. But that’s married life. My wife and I are now one. There is no Jael, no Cookie, but Jael-AND-Cookie. Though my freedom was somewhat curtailed, I knew that this was necessary, for as my best man said (nugget of wisdom number 2), “We all have to sacrifice something when we get married.”
The more I thought about it, the more I saw that getting married means the end of things that make bachelorhood stressful — awkward and embarrassing dates, nervous hope that the other person is the “right” one, twosomes that left one feeling alone. And those that make the single life mundane — going home and having no one to greet you or dine with you, or watching TV by yourself till you fall asleep.
Moreover, I realized that marriage is the start of something more beautiful and wonderful than bachelorhood. I now have a companion for life, someone who does not judge me, someone who respects me and accepts me despite my flaws and shortcomings. There is no feeling in the world that can match the feeling I get when I look into my wife’s eyes and see both our history (nine years as boyfriend-girlfriend) and our future. She’s seen me at my worst, and we’ve gone through heart-wrenching and God-cursing moments (I am a guy and guys do stupid and shameful things — just look at Adam who ate the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden). Yet, she remains beside me, still very much in love with me, and ready to defend me.
My wife once asked me if guys really need women in their lives. I replied, “Yes. A woman is there to make sense of a guy’s chaotic life. Without a woman, a guy’s life will be disorganized and cluttered. It will always be about the ‘now’, and not about the ‘future’.” And now that Cookie and I have lived together under the same roof for several months (we got married on May 11, 2008), I know this to be true.
During the wedding preparations, when things often got too complicated and stressful, I saw how my wife took charge. She was organized and calm about everything. I said to myself, “This is someone who will pull me through whatever the situation. How can I not live with someone like her for the rest of my life?”
My best man also (nugget of wisdom number 3) said, “You (Cookie and I) guys have a good thing going. You have a wonderful setup. You should realize that.”
So to Johann, my best man, you may not remember what you said to me, but those nuggets of wisdom changed — no, saved — my wedding, my marriage, my life. And to my Ateneo classmate/English blockmate/perennial travel companion, now my wife: You have changed my life, too, with the way you care for me and constantly show me what real unconditional love is.