Dating tips from Putin

Whether he’s a mangled, insecure man as described by the acerbic American press or a redoubtable man with strident habits as described in more flattering profiles, all eyes are on Vladimir Putin, Russia’s Prime Minister. Culled from interviews, here’s how you can make your next object of affection work for you.

Since I’m still on my emboygo, I’ve now been tasked to dispense dating advice for the more active folk. My inspiration is oddly enough the azure-eyed leader who has drawn applause (higher GDP, revived economy through energy, paid-off foreign debt) and disgust (controlled press, mafia-like secret police, kleptocracy and Georgia invaded — during the Olympics, no less). Politics aside, the love-challenged can learn a thing or two from Putin’s draconian ways.

1. Stare like Putin. I may not agree with a lot of things but that stare is sexy. Done too much, it can be creepy, which in turn is quite sexy in a pervy, “I’ll put Polonium 210 in your tiramisu” kind of way. How could one not say yes?

2. Style yourself. If you’re starting to date again especially after a long tenure in the domestic front, one must dust off the cookie crumbs and find salvation in the shallow delights of commerce. Putin started his rise with a stylist. Gone were the provincial suits; he started studding his wrists with slick watches, putting his friends in jail in what could possibly be a Brioni and made sure that — like his past — his shoes showed no trace of wear. If oligarchs are your bitches, you better make sure you look better than your lackeys. They don’t call them power suits for nothing.

3. Photoshop your history. Vladimir Putin’s past is as blank as his stare. There are the basics such as his mother and father, but was he adopted? Was he raised in an orphanage? Was he a stupid child? It doesn’t matter; Putin has made history his story. He allegedly killed or exiled anyone who had an idea of his past and how he got there. Nothing is more exciting than a mysterious man or woman. Don’t spoil the show by talking about exes and your “fears” by the time the second course arrives. Be curt, even display disdain when asked a question. Putin is known to be spectacularly glib when asked sensational questions. Larry King once asked Putin why Russian troops surrounded the damaged submarine Kursk, blocking Norwegian rescue teams, he simply said “It drowned.” Less is more. It shows confidence, power, control or at the very least an able way to convey that you do not want to talk about that girl who slept with your best friend.

4. Know what works for you. When Putin was asked earlier this year why he has not adopted more democratic methods to rule Russia, he simply said that Russia needs to be run in a way that is most effective for them. He said he cannot follow the democratic blueprint of America, almost to the point of hinting that they were bullies.

So, like Putin, know your style. Although his may be controversial, it did much good for Russia. Give or take a few lives and oligarchs reigning supreme, of course. Your style may not be perfect, but make sure that it at least fits the situation. Don’t take a bohemian chick to a “trendy” and obnoxious boite; it just will not work. Likewise, don’t make baby voices with a girl you have just closed with. (Boys, let me emphasize this: making baby voices is not a sign of intimacy. If you’re dealing with a career bombshell, you must know her tactics. If you’re dealing with the sweet girl next door, rest assured she has a lot of manipulative tactics under her ruffled sleeves. You are not safe. Ever.)

5. Lastly, one thing not to adopt from Putin: Do not under any circumstances put “007” on your license plate as he has for his bulletproof Audi.