When exes become friends

Relationships are the bond that cements together human society. We enter relationships because of resonance. We exit the relationship when the resonance peters out. I have noted that it is much easier to get on with life when one keeps an open heart space. My mother once said, “If you get angry — and stay angry — you are the one that suffers, even if you have been wronged.” Words of wisdom. I can attest to it. Anger hurts. It is uncomfortable. It is so much easier to let go. The key is to find another way to look at the relationship that has exited. To find another way to look at the person. There are many ways to look at people. One way may bring us immense pain and anger. Another way can bring understanding. The second way is easier on the heart. It’s also easier on the people around you. It is not easy because the default mechanism is one of anger. But if one can manage to see the heaviness that it brings, it makes sense to make the effort to shift. 

This doesn’t mean letting go of principles, or not acting as the given situation may require. It just means making sure one is coming from a position of integrity — not from negativity. Then it’s light; then one can go on with life.

Then beautiful things can unfold. I have an ex-husband, Sona, who was my boss in Ananda Marga. We split about 12 years ago. We continue to be friends. It’s great. When I leave the country, he takes care of the kids. He stands by me in the decisions I make. It’s amusing because the two times he has decided to get into a relationship — he got my advice. Funny, I feel like the First Wife of African tradition. I like the person he is with now. She has come and eaten at our home. And it feels like she sincerely cares for him. And I am happy that he is happy.

There are countless relationships like this. My mother and Susan. My Tita Prescy feels that Tito Steve’s kids with his first wife are just as much hers. And I can go on and on about people I have met who have been able to establish a circle of heartness — with relationships past and present. It’s healthy. It’s good for the kids. It’s good for humanity’s web of life. All love is good. All love makes a difference. You don’t need to rescue children or reforest the La Mesa watershed; just live your life decently, and with love, seeing your negativity as it is, and rising above it. This makes a difference. The difference to people living around you — especially to children — is direct. It is your legacy.

When people use their children to hit against their ex spouses, or feed their children with negative perceptions — real or perceived — it leaves imprints that will last a lifetime. Why let anger rule your space? Let go, and get on with life.

I actually love it when I see half-brothers, half-sisters, everyone getting along. It feels all embracing.

Hmm… It’s similar, perhaps, to the way sticking to a relationship which drains us and drags us down, just because of social structures, ignores the fact that each person has a responsibility to his or herself — to seek love and joy — and this is much more important than what people will say, or what any institution says. The non-negotiable principle is to be true to yourself. Sticking to something. Just as living behind a facade is living a lie.

There are no hard and fast rules. I believe in Divine Guidance. Deciding on anything through a circle of thinking, thinking, thinking is not the way to go about making life decisions. Life has a wisdom to it. Be still: listen. Take a walk in a forest... by the beach... breathe fresh air. Don’t think. Take a swim. Don’t think. Just feel the beauty around you. In the stillness, wisdom reveals itself. It’s not a rational process. Wisdom is a gift of your Higher Self.

That is what should rule your life. That is what should rule relationships.

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I can be reached at regina_lopez@abs-cbn.com. There is a weekend retreat at La Mesa on Sept. 27 and 28. Interested parties should call or text (0920)851-9717. Or e-mail clairvision.phil@gmail.com.