Elevator etiquette: The 10 worst sins

The Philippines is one of those places where people treat the elevator like it’s their own personal amusement park — where any kind of behavior is acceptable as long as you can get away with it. Singing along to your iPod at full shriek? Hey, who’s gonna stop you? Cracking open a Tupperware container full of durian? Hey, it’s your space, too!

Aerosmith once sang about the pleasant sort of hanky-panky that can happen in a lift. But what about the stuff you really loathe in an elevator?

Has anyone ever totted up the worst sins that people commit while riding the vertical rails? You may recognize some of these lapses in human judgment as perfectly natural behavior. But it’s still enough to make you want to “cut the cord” on somebody.

1. People who don’t wait for others to exit before they pile on. This one totally baffles me. A basic grasp of physics would seem to indicate that a full elevator cannot be emptied unless the person blocking the door politely steps aside; relatedly, a body cannot occupy the same space as another body at the same time. Something’s got to give. Thus, people need to exit before you can hop aboard. It’s not complicated, but you’d think people were lining up for a Space Shuttle ride, they way they push and shove their way into that little box.

2. Smoking. Even if you’re a civil libertarian or happen to be French, you’ve got to admit that lighting up in a tiny little box with no ventilation is not exactly polite behavior. Besides the havoc that smoke plays on the machinery that is lifting you up or down, exhaled carcinogens just have no place in an elevator. And if smokers are so desperate to ply their habit in a cramped little box, they can always buy themselves a coffin. Consider it an investment.

b Farting. We don’t really need to spell out why this is a problem, do we? Surprisingly, not too many people commit this sin. Though there are some people who, finding themselves alone in an elevator, imagine that this condition will last throughout the many floors they travel and feel free to vent themselves. Both the flatulent passenger and the new passenger are then rudely surprised when the doors open and worlds collide. At that point, universal laws apply: If there are two inside the elevator, it is obvious who is the culprit. If three or more are inside, then he who smelt it dealt it.

4. People who press the “close” button when others are trying to get inside. This is a rude and nasty little habit that says a lot about the kind of person you might be in other realms of life. Are you a stock broker? A politician? Donald Trump? If the sight of people gaping in shock, grasping their baby strollers or shopping bags and beating wildly on the closing elevator doors somehow gives your day a lift, then you are, at best, a buttwad.

b. People who talk loudly on cellphones. The offended passengers can only cover their ears and visualize a lightning bolt or an aberrant burst of electromagnetic waves striking down the cellphone user on the spot.

6. Kids who push all the buttons. For some reason, even in the age of PSP, there are still children in this world who find it amusing to watch all the buttons light up in the elevator. So they run their grubby little paws down the console. They are less amused by the time the elevator reaches the 20th floor, when concerned parents are trying to pry the fingers of irritated passengers from the throats of said children.

7. People who don’t make room. An elevator contains a finite amount of space. Yet there are people who insist on maintaining their “comfort zones” (usually at the rear of the elevator) rather than condensing their body mass to universally acceptable sardine-can dimensions. Maybe they have a phobia of human contact. Maybe their mothers didn’t love them enough. Maybe they are just pushy and obnoxious. If the offender also chooses to fart at this juncture, you are allowed to kill him.

8. People who primp in elevator mirrors. Hey, it’s an elevator, not your bathroom. True, there will always exist certain people for whom a mirror is an irresistible source of entertainment. They tweeze their brows, study the contents of their gums, investigate certain pulpous masses on their upper lips, all the while oblivious to the disgusted stares of other passengers. In such situations, it is okay to fight fire with fire, and perfectly within your rights to crack open the durian.

9. People who conduct loud discussions or business meetings, oblivious to others in the elevator. Again: it’s not a board room, it’s not a yuppie bar, it’s not a sports club, no one’s interested in your business, and by raising your voice you will not be able to elevate the nature of your discourse or confer upon it any added significance, nor will you negate the fact that there are other living, breathing human beings in your midst, people who would be greatly pleased if you would just shut up already and let them ride in peace.

10. People who pile into the “up” elevator, even though they’re going down, because they want to make sure they get a space. You will find them, mostly, in Manila malls, where it can take an eternity to secure an elevator. Still, this is no excuse for the sleaziest maneuver in the elevator-riding playbook, which is to hop on the next available elevator — even if it’s going the wrong way — to make sure that you secure yourself a few square feet of space when it inevitably reverses course. Often resorted to by overtired families carting around children, baby strollers and dazed senior citizens, it makes it a mathematical uncertainty that you — the elevator-protocol-obeying would-be passenger, who is willing to wait patiently for the return elevator because, damn it, we’re supposed to live in a civilized society — will be screwed out of your ride. All because somebody didn’t want to take the stairs.

* * *

Contact me with funny Filipino expressions at xpatfiles@yahoo.com.