Valentine’s, schmalentine’s
I hate to be the one to cast a cloud on the upcoming celebration of overpriced roses, overcrowded
I’ve lost count of all the people I know who have either broken up, taken a time out, or are spending more time apart than together over the past year. And when these people are together, they seem to be reserving the nastiest bits of rage and filth for each other. Lovers’ quarrels are definitely in the air this Valentine’s Day, and it ain’t just guilty-pleasure shows like Blind Date or the usual celebrity un-hookups I’m talking about.
There is angst in the air — a vague but threatening sense of dissatisfaction — and it seems to be affecting relationships. People are no longer hiding their boy-girl disenchantment. They’re putting it out there. Something (maybe it’s the media!) is telling them 24/7 that “You should expect more,” “You shouldn’t settle” and “You can have it all.” Apparently this creates problems, especially when both boys and girls want to act like grown-up babies.
I’m hearing about people wed only a year or two ago, complaining bitterly about their lack of communication. Some blame their spouses’ addiction to the PlayStation remote control, which seems to be receiving more fondling than they are. In truth, there are a whole lot of technological time-killers out there for both sexes now — online shopping, online betting, online porn, Facebook, e-mail — not to mention the many varied side interests that adults are being coaxed into taking up to fill their (nonexistent) free time. Pilates. “Guitar Hero.” All the little things that people do to remain children at heart. And like children, we get cranky when people tell us to put away our toys.
Even in marriages, people are waiting longer before having babies. Apparently, they want to extend their adolescence into married life as long as possible. Though having babies is a serious step and not likely to heal large, gaping wounds in a marriage, it is an opportunity for people to learn to look beyond themselves — something this generation, for whatever reason, is opting to postpone as long as possible.
But aside from all this, there’s just a mean streak a-growin’ between boys and girls. It’s as though we suddenly decided to take the “battle of the sexes” seriously. As in “death match.”
Let’s hear what indie singer Kate Nash has to say about it in last year’s breakout YouTube hit song, Foundations:
Thursday night, everything’s fine, except you’ve got that look in your eye
when I’m tellin’ a story and you find it boring,
You’re thinking of something to say
to humiliate me in front of our friends.
Then I’ll use that voice that you find annoyin’ and say something like
“Yeah, intelligent input, Darlin’,
Why don’t you just have another beer then?”
Then you’ll call me a b**ch and everyone we’re with will be embarrassed, and I won’t give a sh*t…
All set to a catchy pop melody and a drum machine beat you can treadmill to with your iPod.
So why can’t girls and boys get along anymore? Is there something driving a wedge between the sexes, more so than any other time in history?
My wife — bless her many varied interests — says there might be some celestial foundation to all this romantic angst. She says we should look to the heavens. Apparently, we are experiencing two retrograde phases in a row — Mars and Mercury — which, in astrological terms, is making communication in relationships very tetchy, to say the least. (And nobody bothered to clear the celestial schedule with all the rose vendors, restaurateurs and jewelers out there! How rude!)
According to www.astrologyweekly.com, what happens in a retrograde phase is that the earth and the other complicit planets — in this case, Mars and Mercury — become so close in their orbit patterns around the sun that we earthlings perceive the other planets to be moving slower. And this bums us out, somehow. “The mind turns naturally inwards and people tend to analyze more their own thoughts and follow the common thinking patterns, rather than be curious and eager of new intellectual experiences or challenges,” explains the site. “It affects communication with others, and attention oriented outwards.”
So this celestial interference is messing with everybody’s wiring, and making them seek “space” apart from loved (or not-so-loved) ones. Who knew that when people say “You’re my sun, moon, and stars” nowadays, what they really mean is that “Your celestial interference is making me want to slash your jugular vein with a letter opener”?
Not only that, but contracts, computers and other electronic gadgets may go kaplooey during retrograde phase. Don’t sign major deals, the prognosticators say, and whatever you do, “Do not get married!”
One drawback of this retrograde thing is you’re not supposed to communicate with your partner. Yet women go completely batty when guys clam up. “You never talk!” is the familiar prelude to many a domestic tiff during retrograde weirdness. (Except for my wife, who instead rolls her eyes and tells me, “You never shut up!”)
It says, too, on astrologyweekly.com that one way to get around the retrograde whammy is to “reverse the flow” of what you regularly do. Instead of reading a new book, re-read an old book that meant something to you. Finish old projects instead of jumping into new ones. In terms of relationships, instead of checking out a new restaurant on Valentine’s Day, maybe go to an old favorite. (Note: It doesn’t mean you should dust off your little black book and look up old girlfriends.)
The Mercury retrograde follows close on the heels of a Mars retrograde that ran from Nov. 2007 to Jan. 2008, making everybody lo-bat and miserable during Christmas. The current Mercury hullabaloo lasts about three weeks — that is, from Jan. 28 to Feb.19. So that should pretty much screw everybody this Valentine’s Day. Unless you’re into makeup sex, of course.
